Texas 40, Texas A&M 29

Attending Texas' 40-29 close-shave win over A&M last Friday was about as much fun as going to a dry wedding reception. Most fans were just standing around waiting for the game to mercifully end and the only ones having any fun were the blissfully ignorant little kids hopped up on sugar (oh, and the guy in the corps who was shoveling horse dung on the Texas band, what's up with that?). Like most Texas fans, when the final whistle blew and the last seconds ticked off of the clock, I didn't cheer nor slap high-fives with the others. I just quietly got up and left Kyle Field relieved to still be undefeated, feeling resigned to the fact that those were four and half excruciating hours of my live that I'd never be getting back.

Funny thing about time and pressure, it makes your mind go places it probably shouldn't. Like the time I daydreamed I was an illiterate, Ritalin junky stuck on a Ferris wheel while taking the S.A.T. Sorry, tangent. Anyway, during all those ridiculous instant replay stoppages and countless TV time-outs, I guess the combination of gasoline station breakfast burritos, Kyle Field Nacho pudding cheese and Bud Light became toxic and I started hallucinating or brainstorming without a raincoat or whatever. The point is, I was having some serious brain farts and I jotted some of them down so you, the disenfranchised reader, could venture out with me onto the ledge of my mind and watch me relieve my creative hostility with this compilation of...


If Texas A&M was a video game instead of a college, would they rename the town Play Station?

Dude, what if you were like a freshman and it was like your first game ever at Kyle Field and you didn't know anybody so you got your sister to go to the game with you so everyone wouldn't think you were a loser. But then after the Aggies scored a touchdown, everyone around you started kissing their dates and you were like what the hell do I do now. Maybe you should have thought of that before you became an Aggie.

If I was judging the "Battle of the Bands" competition and the Aggie Corp of Cadets Marching Band showed up in their army-like uniforms, I'd be like, "Hey guys, this isn't a real battle, and since when is a sword a musical instrument anyway?"

I once knew a guy at A&M who had Whooping Cough. He was like the most popular kid in school. But then he died.

It would be really neat if they televised the tryouts for "the 12th man" on the A&M football team. But then on the last episode, when they announced the winner and he was all happy and whooping and stuff, it would be even neater if the host of the show came out and said, "we have another surprise for you Larry. The rules of football say you can only have 11 players on the field at a time so you will never actually get to play. You did all this crap and made a fool out of yourself for nothing. Surprise!"

I bet most Aggie fans wish they could sit in that section of Kyle Field called "The Zone." That way, when someone said, "Hey man, you're really cheering awesomely" or, "Dude, your swaying is unstoppable," you could just smile and say, "Yeah, I know, I'm in the zone."

If I was an Aggie, I think I would double-major in Zoology and Theology so I could pronounce you Animal Husbandry.

I hope the Aggies change the words to "Saw Varsity's Horns Off" when they play other teams in the Big XII. I mean the last time I checked, Bears, Sooners and Red Raiders don't even have horns. If I was a fan from another team, I'd be like, "You freaks can go saw, hammer or screw whatever you want, but just shut up about it already and watch the damn football game.

"Why do Aggies need to practice yelling? Isn't that like practicing farting? It's not like I go around saying, "I've got to go to Midnight Fart Practice tonight, I'm taking a big dump tomorrow."

And while I'm thinking about it, I think it's about time to start thinking about...

In an effort to sell more papers and keep the reader from losing interest this week, many pundits led with headlines such as these: This is the 2001 Big XII Championship revisited...Mack Brown has never won a conference championship...No Big XII division has ever won the title game twice in a row...Vince Young will press and try too hard because Houston is his hometown...Colorado will play like it has nothing to lose...

Try as they might, even the media is having a hard time finding a way to hype the 10th edition of the Big XII Championship, a game that matches a #2 ranked and undefeated Texas team against an unranked, 7-4 Colorado team on a two-game losing streak.

No doubt it's tough to play an opponent twice in one season, and anything can happen in a championship game, but Texas has known what's at stake for weeks now. Pasadena, the Rose Bowl, and a possible National Championship have been just one loss away from ending the Longhorns dreams all season long. Texas is undefeated because they are simply a damn good team. And it is for that reason and not for all that other crap the pundits spew out that I think Texas will walk into Reliant this Saturday and win convincingly in a very businesslike fashion. For UT and their fans, this is not the championship. This game is just one more rung on the ladder to the ultimate goal, the National Championship. On to the...

Texas 38
Buffalosers 13

Kick-off for the Big XII Championship (don't stop until you smell the roses) has been set for noon (Better Brown bag it) because the television execs at ABC (Already Been Canceled) deemed the rematch between the Longhorns and Buffalos (Where's the beef?) unworthy of it's usual 7pm timeslot (Not ready for prime-time players). So that means Texas fans (Agent Burnt Orange) will just have to get to Reliant Stadium (The Power House) and start tailgating a little bit earlier (Eggs over kegs). According to the tailgating section (check under P for party) on the stadium's website (DKR-South.com) here is what you need to know (Fat, drunk, and stupid is the only way to go through life)...

"Tailgating (Is a sport) is limited to the parking spot and space (I'm with you so far) directly behind/in front of each vehicle (okay, you lost me). Guests may not tailgate beyond the blue lines (how sad) marking the drive lane (look both ways before you drink).

"Wow, who knew tailgating could be so complicated? (don't think, just drink) Hope to see you all there (See you at the CU game, rock me).

After the A&M game, one of my friends yelled this out of the car window at an Aggie Fan relieving himself on a tree on the grounds of the George BushPresidential Library...

"Hey you, you can't pee on George Bush's tree. That's like against homeland security or something."



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