Texas 69, Stanford 17

Some people might say, "54b, why so salty? Your team just gave Stanford a 69er shiner on National TV." I say, “horse shit.” The only score that mattered was 23-20, 3 blocked punts and a can of NC State whoop ass. Texas should be undefeated. People want to talk about "A New Hope" for the Horns this season. I say put your orange colored glasses back on, grab your light saber and get back in line for Star Wars you bunch of hard-ons. Because after we roll Rutgers, Rice and those no-dancing, compound building, bastard step children of the Big 12, freaks in Waco, we will be 4-1 and everyone will be standing around feeling good, patting each other on the back and poking each other in the ass. And right about the time everyone's talking about the Longhorn's being a piece of the National Championship puzzle, K-State will come a knocking at our door Gestapo style and stomp a f*cking mud hole in our ass the size of Manhattan (New York not Kansas).

Then we’re headed to the Cotton Bowl feeling sorry for ourselves and hand-deliver Bob Stoops his first win to the 0-5 piss-ant Sooners, a la 1996. Two weeks later Nebraska and their cult of corncob shoving butt plugs will buy up every fair-weathered longhorn's ticket to the game and turn memorial stadium into Nebraska's third largest city. And right after the Huskers put a whooping on us that would make the Alamo look like a Taco Bell on dollar burrito day, the Horns will be 4-4 and wondering what the f*ck.

You think the season's over but it's really just beginning. By this time, Major Applewhite's girlfriend has dropped out of school and moved to New Orleans to get back together with Mr. Dreadlocks because she's figured out that Ricky's got all the money and Major will be lucky if he ends up managing a Fruitopia stand at the new airport. So with his head in la-la land, his scrawny ass gets knocked out somewhere down the line and our little boy from Jersey comes in. Simm's affiliations with the Mafia alone are good for two wins against OSU and Iowa State. Tech will pop a Viagra and whip us because we're the only team they can get it up to play, and A&M will have a field day with us because they haven't graduated anybody in five years and they're stocked up like a Y2K bomb shelter.

Holy Shit! Well rub my asshole in salt and take me to the petting zoo. What do you know, we're 6-6 and bowl game qualified. So while most fans will be spending Christmas slamming ham, trimming trees and sucking down eggnog, we'll be freezing are asses off in BFE and playing some disoriented directional school at the “Nobody’s-Watching.com Bowl.”