Texas 24, Stanford 27

"Doing the QB polka" (Ricky Martin Style)

Woke up in Palo Alto in a funky cheap stadium,

Stanford broke my heart, the bookie took my money,

Tiger must have slipped the refs some dollar bills.

Mack'll never pick a QB, keeps you guessing every game,

Neither one can get it done, but somehow no one is to blame,

Mack's making me go insane.

Ap-ple-white's in, Simms' out, doing the QB polka,

Ti-tle hopes are gone, living la vida loca,

Mack's doing the QB polka, hey!!!

CO-STARTERS?

Remind me never to take Mack Brown to Vegas, because we'd lose our shirt on the roulette wheel. Red, Black, odd, even, put the chips on number one or maybe it should be eleven, I'm surprised the man can even choose which clothes to wear in the morning. Co-starters my ass. Let me tell you about another failed bit that started with the letters "co", that's right Communism. Ask Boris what he thinks about sharing time and equal play. This is not the YMCA, 12 and under, everybody plays, even the smelly fat kid, league. This is Division I College football. One loss and your title hopes are gone. There is no pre-season, the next game is always the most important game and you don't have time to play eeny-meeny-miny-mo with your quarterbacks, even if Tiger is there. Did I think we were going to win the national championship this year, no, but I didn't think we were going to the bay area to get butt f*cked on national TV either.

TOP 10 REASONS we're NOT in the TOP 10 ANYMORE.

10) Quarterback Swapping works about as well with your wife as it does with your football team.

9) Didn't know trees could run!

8) The Free Safety was too busy getting Tiger's autograph - all night.

7) Only Offensive rhythm Texas had was at the half time show.

6) Too much Tiger, not enough "Sergio" - from the offensive line.

5) Enough penalties to make Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis proud.

4) Two-back set couldn't move the ball with a U-Haul.

3) Couldn't get good field position because Northern California property taxes are so high.

2) Because of the bay area’s, um, reputation, receivers were less concerned about dropping the ball, more concerned about dropping the soap.

And the #1 reason we're not in the Top 10 anymore:

1) Because nobody, and I mean nobody, puts the "special" back in Special Teams, quite like the Longhorns.

Special teams don't win games but they can sure as hell lose them for you. Where have I heard that before? I got news for you people. Plenty of programs go entire decades without getting a punt blocked. It is a sign of pure apathy and laziness to have as many blocked punts as we've had in the past two years. I swear, if we lose one more game because of a blocked punt, I'm going to apply for grad school just so I can walk on again and spend every Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon kicking the living shit out of every one of those guys on the punt team until they get a clue and get off the f*cking short bus.

WAS IT OVER WHEN THE GERMANS BOMBED PEARL HARBOR?

Last night I got a phone call from a very distraught fan who sounded as if she was contemplating the unthinkable, that's right, not renewing her season tickets. Fortunately 54b managed to get to psyche 101 every once in a while when he was in school and I was able to talk her down. For the rest of you, who I have no doubt are walking the proverbial ledge right now, save the half-gainer for the pool and spare the innocent bystanders down below. This is a young Longhorn team who got caught up in all the hype. Don't be fooled, this team is very talented. They can blow teams out by 60 one weak but they can also lose ugly the next. This season isn't over by a long shot. I guarantee they will learn from this loss. I would much rather of had them lose to a non-conference opponent early in the year than to a conference foe like OU. I know it's tough to stomach, but that's the roller coaster that is the Longhorn football season. Enjoy the ride.

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Longhorns end all all hopes of world peace for the Houston Cougars by beating the crap out of Miss Conference USA during the talent portion of the show.

DISHONORABLE MENTION

My fiancé and I had the distinguished displeasure of visiting Stanford Stadium this weekend. If there is a hell for Woodchucks, than it's that stadium. It's rotting away, it's not maintained and it looks like a tree fort put together by a 5 year old. Bob Villa and those gay carpenters from PBS couldn't put this piece of shit back together again. I didn't know whether or not I was walking under the bleachers or back at Disney Land riding the Runaway-Mine Train. Tiger needs donate some money and get that place fixed up. Hell, they'll probably give him a degree for it.

THE TAILGATE UPDATE

"We'll be out there pretty early (watch for cops); it's a night game (more time to get FUBAR) so we'll start probably about 11:00 (the night before) I'll have a brisket and they'll be ribs and shit (how much for one rib, can you pet in my hands for a nickel) that everyone is welcome to (except you). Just remember the BYOB part (Bring Your Own B for your jersey)"

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

(At the Bed & Breakfast in Napa)

“Where did you eat dinner last night?”

“At Taylor's Burger Shack.”

“Oh that's a great old place run by an ex-FBI agent.”

“Well that explains the secret sauce.”