Texas 41, Wyoming 10

Was it a lack of inspiration or preparation for the change in elevation that led to the Longhorns “breath-taking” first-half performance in an otherwise routine 41-10 thumping of the heavy underdog Cowboys last Saturday in Laramie? Nahhhhhhh. How could any team not be excited or prepared to play in what Cowboys’ coach Dave Christensen hailed as “probably the biggest game that's ever been played in the state of Wyoming?”

Like anybody could know that.

Despite the Horns 31-point road win against the band formally known as the Brown-Eyed Susans, many UT fans were quite concerned that the margin of victory was not nearly enough to impress the bevy of BCS influencers, especially the Harris poll voters who are known for their irregularity and hold fast to their fickleness like a bottle of street grade Geritol.

Of course it also doesn't help ease concerns about UT's championship chances much when the media, who have long since turned the news cycle into a 24/7 fire drill, pretty much adhere to a scorched earth policy at all times even if it means besmirching the very conference being featured in primetime and on Gameday less than a week later. "Oh, hey, college football fans, forget all that stuff we said and wrote about the Big XII being vastly overrated and tune into our “Epic Revenge Game of the Century” down in Austin this Saturday. Hyperbole Lives Here!"

God love the “World Wide Leader,” they never exaggerate anything.

Well like Mad Man Don Draper likes to say, "if you don't like what they're saying about you, change the conversation." If you don't want to talk about knocking up a waitress for only wearing the requisite 15 pieces of Louisville Cardinals flare, chastise the media for coming to your press conference when they could be circling Ted Kennedy's Compound like a bunch of vultures.

Though if you really want to knock some Talking Heads, nothing diverts the media's attention quite like a conspiracy theory. And do I have a dozy for you. This one is hotter than a mike'd up California Congressman waxing explicit about riding bareback in the "Lobby." So stop tapping out an SOS about our SOS and languish in anguish no more my paranoid pals, your patsy pacifiers have arrived. You see, I secretly mike’d up the head referee before the Texas-Wyoming game to find out what’s really going on here.

Here's a recording from the Officials dressing room right before kick-off in a little tabloid expose I like to call...

HIDDEN AUDIO IN HI-REF

Ref: (Whispering) “Did you guys get the memo from Senator Orin Hatch?”

Umpire: “You mean the one titled, ‘Operation BCS Buster’?”

Ref: “No, Johnny Appleseed, the one titled, 'Healthcare Reform Only Covers Your First 3 Sister-Wives.’ Of course I mean the BCS memo.

Line Judge: “I knew Hatch wasn't going to back down after calling the BCS a monopoly. But I can't believe 'Phase 1 – Cougars Dig The Shocker' worked so well. OU and OSU never saw it coming.”

Ref: “I know and now it’s time for 'Phase 2 – Rolling Brown Out.'”

Back Judge: “You really think we can help the Cowboys win? They almost lost to Weber State. My mom can beat Weber State.”

Umpire: “I thought the doctor told your mom to stay off her feet on account of her trench foot.”

Ref: “Will you two shut up? Look, we just have to keep the game close so the Big XII looks overrated to the voters.”

Field Judge: “How are we gonna do that? Throw a flag on Mack Brown for excessive clapping?”

Ref: “Listen up, wise asses, you guys better keep the Horns under 50 or you’ll be back reffing Powder Puff so fast, you’re heads will spin.”

Side Judge: "Well, they always say you can call holding on every play and do I love to throw my flag."

Ref: "Yeah, it brings out the copper flecks in your eyes...I don’t care what you call, make it happen."

Field Judge: "But what if we end up hurting McCoy's Heisman chances? He such a nice boy."

Ref: “Oh for Christ sakes, buy him a milkshake. He’ll get over it. Any other questions?"

Umpire: (Raising his hand slowly) “Do you think the naked Cowboy fan in the barrel has underwear on?”


So there you have it. Shocking on many levels. That ought to keep the Talking Heads' mouths full long enough for us to keep our #2 ranking along as we win the...

NEXT GAME

Still not sure how playing a "Crab-less, Harrell-less, unranked Texas Tech team is going to satisfy Longhorn Nations' desire for revenge if UT should prevail (or constitutes a visit from Gameday for that matter), but I certainly wouldn't mind a thorough throttling of the Red Raiders on National TV. This is surely a made-for-TV invitation to Colt to cement his status as the front-runner in the Heisman race and a good excuse to remind the pundits why they predicted the Horns to reach Pasadena even before the season started. As for whether the Longhorns will avenge last year's heart breaker in Lubbock, we'll just have to consult the always unknowing...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

For those of you planning to stand amongst the masses assembled behind the set of Gameday, here are a few last minute sign ideas to help you break through the clutter...

Me fail out of Texas Tech? That’s unpossible.

A 3.0 at Tech gets you into The University of Phoenix

Healthcare reform doesn’t cover Raider Rash

49ers - Proof that nobody likes having Crabs

Leach is a smelly pirate hooker

Leach hornswoggled my other sign

Leach has verbal diarrhea

Taylor Potts shaves with a Flowbee

Brandon Carter’s dad didn’t love him enough

Herbstreit freestyles like Vanilla Ice

McCoy and Shipley are friends with fishing permits

#12 in your program, #1 on your Heisman ballot

Muchamp pisses excellence

Quien es mas Acho?

Texas 52
Rivalry Refugees 27

And if those don’t get you on TV, there’s always...

Kanye took my other sign

TAILGATE UPDATE (Gameday Edition)

Kickoff against the Red Raiders (Red and Black is no friend of Jack) is scheduled for 7pm (“Welcome to primetime, bitches”) as the Longhorns look to keep their title chances alive (Don't abandon champion-ship). Fowler, Corso, and Herbstriet (The All Hairdo Crew) are coming back to Austin (That’ll keep it weird). The GameDay set built by The Home Depot (Black & Decker set erecter) will again be located on the south side of the UT Tower (bring a six-pack to the Six-Pack) and the area designated for the fans opens at 7am (Sea of Bovinity).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Do you think Kanye is the Billy Sims of the MTV VMA awards?”


Hook'em,
54b