Texas 25, Ohio State 22

Over 250,000 people were in or around Ohio Stadium last Saturday, and I'm pretty sure I bumped into every one of them. Much has been said about the way Buckeye fans treated 12,000 or so Longhorns fans that made the trip to Columbus, and though I didn't experience a lot of the strife firsthand, after smelling the dumpsters burning after the game I wouldn't doubt the stories.

Personally, I've always felt football is football, beer is beer, and can't we all just get along. Plus, OSU won a National Championship like 3 years ago. "Hey, Buckeyes, act like you been there."

In the end, I guess it was a language and cultural gap that couldn't be bridged, and since most Ohioans don't speak Texan, most of their attempts to communicate with us got lost in translation.

So, in order to assuage some of the anger and try to avoid any further misunderstandings, I figured it incumbent upon me to look at this difficult situation "glasnost half-full" and play the part of peacemaker in what I'm affectionately calling...

BUCKEY-E-BONICS
Below are an actual list of Buckeye signs and/or sayings Longhorn fans may have encountered at the game or even seen on television, followed by their "loose" translations:

"F*ck Texas and the steer they rode in on" = "Welcome to Ohio, love your Longhorn. He reminds us of our women."


"Sorry Bevo, no pooh in The Shoe" = "Please accept our apologies Texas fans, our mascot Brutus the Buckeye is a registered sex offender and well, the judge said he's not allowed within 100 yards of livestock. It's just too tempting. Might want to keep the kids close by too."


"Let the Heisman hunt be-Ginn" = "Have you seen our Heisman hopeful, Teddy Ginn Jr.? After touching the ball 3 times for just 7 yards, apparently neither has anyone else. Maybe that's because we had to hire his dad as a coach before little Teddy would sign with Ohio State."


"If the Alamo had a back door, Texas would still be part of Mexico." = "The fan ratio at Ohio Stadium is about 1 Longhorn for every 10 Buckeyes. But since you Texans crap bigger than our state, we've decided to divide you in half and put you on opposite ends of the stadium."


"Fear the Hawk" = "Captain Caveman is not only our All-American middle linebacker. His #47 jersey is so popular that most Buckeye fans get married and buried in it."


"Vince Young is afraid of the dark" = "Ohio Stadium didn't come equipped with lights, but you're in luck, they trucked in some for this game. Usually, we have to set some cars on fire in order to see."


"Michigan still sucks" = "Buckeye fans have such a hard-on for their neighbors to the north, that they simply refer to it as "the state which must not be named."


"Hey Texas, whose your Mack Daddy" = "Please tell Mack Brown thank you for teaching Jim Tressel everything he knows about playing two quarterbacks instead of sticking with one. By the way, how'd that work our for you all?"

Okay, I'd say...

TEXAS 25, OHIO STATE 22
Well, what can I say? I'm speechless, and not because I lost my voice halfway through the second quarter trying to out-yell 105,000 screaming Buckeyes. Simply put, it's just not possible to adequately describe or encapsulate in words the physically palpable emotions surrounding what is and will always be remembered as "The Shootout at The Shoe."

It's been nearly a week since #2 Texas went into Columbus, Ohio and upset (yeah, I said upset) then #4 ranked Ohio State and my voice is still hoarse, my hair is still falling out and I'm still waiting for Mack Brown to wig out and tell every critic and naysayer to take that Big Win and shove it up their collective asses. Wow, does this feel good.

Like so many others this past week, I suppose I could go on and on about the game and talk about the greatness of the Texas defense, Vince Young's Heisman trophy chances, or even fantasize about a date with destiny in the Rose Bowl, but none of that matters unless Texas wins...

THE NEXT GAME
Um, yeah, it's Rice. They're, how should I say it, not good. On to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Longhorns - 56
Nerd Herd - Pi


TAILGATE UPDATE
The game against the Rice Owls (It'll be a hoot) is set to kick-off this Saturday at 6pm ("the nighttime is the right time"). And though Fox Sports Net (It's Not TV, It's H-Bevo) is inexplicably televising this game (instead of Norwegian Beach Volleyball), head on down to the tailgate anyway ("Do it, Do it") a few hours before the game and get yourself some Barbecue (B.Y.O. Mango Chutney) and chug a few beers (it cures what "ales" ya). And last but certainly not least (#54 on the bench, #1 in your hearts), don't forget to show your appreciation (don't sweat the technique) by throwing in a couple of bucks (flash the cash) to the guys putting on this awesome tailgate (props to my peeps).


QUOTE OF WEEK

It's a run-off...

"The cops outlawed open containers around the stadium because OSU fans burned 13 cars after the last Michigan game. That's six more than our usual."

"I love Hineygate. They've got 24oz beers, a big screen TV and hand soap in the Port-O-Potties."

"You guys came a long way for an ass whoopin'"
"Yeah, nice butt beads (Buckeye necklace) you got around your neck"

"Is it just me or do all mid-western chicks seem to have a little extra?"

And the winner is...

"Did you know we've (Texas) never lost to Michigan?" - None other than Rockin' R, my dad, uttered to every Buckeye fan he met. He taught me everything I know about oral hygiene and passive-aggressive trash talking...love ya pops.

Hook'em,
54b