Texas Tech / UTEP - How West Texas Was Won

Oh thank goodness. I finally found some time to waste some more of your time. But rather than make up for my tardiness with the Texas Tech and UTEP commentaries with the “perfect post,” I figured I’d further lower your expectations for me by mailing it in with the always fun "ramblings commentary."

So without any further do-do, here are some thought-enders about the Longhorns last two victories - and the rest of college football - that have been rumbling around my head of late (yeah, I got nothin’)...

“How West Texas Was Won – Part I” - As I exhaustedly exited DKR amongst the 100,000-plus throng of Longhorns fans jubilant over UT’s 34-24 victory over Texas Tech, I kept thinking, “I hope I get summoned to serve on Mike Leach’s Death Panel when he gets old so I can offer him the Walk The Plank option.“

Actually, I was thinking, “you know, I don’t really feel like we got revenge for last year’s heartbreaking loss, I just feel relieved...relieved not to have to play Tech for another year.” I swear, playing the Red Rejects is like playing your little brother in any physical or mental challenge only to have him threaten to “tell mom where you hid the Playboys” if you don’t let him win...why even play in the first place.

As for the Revenge Factor, I set it at a negative whatever. I don’t really see how any Longhorn fan honestly feels like he or she got revenge over a Harrell-less, Crab-less, Tech team not even ranked in the Top 25. The only way we’d get revenge is if the Longhorns prevented the Red Raiders from playing for the title and I think we can all agree Leach and his dysfunctional pirate posse do a decent enough job of preventing that from happening all by themselves. If you really want revenge, go turn up the thermostat in the Tech locker room and leave an upper decker in their toilets.

“How West Texas Was Won – Part II" - You asked for style points, how about 64? I know UTEP's struggling this year, but they stunk more than my ball sack did after I had to peel it off the bleachers in order to get out of the heat at the game. Sitting on the East Side of DKR was like being an ant getting a suntan under a magnifying glass.

Except for Colt's charity pick-six to help fund the "Chris Simms' Center For Kids Who Don't Read Defenses Good" and settling for a few field goals after a few red zone offensive head-scratchers, it just doesn't get any more dominant than that. The Longhorns had over 600 yards of offense to the Miners' 63. Yeah, sixty-three #*#&$ yards and the Miners even had the ball for 25 minutes. I don't think UT's defense let them get passed the 50-yard line all day. Pundits are looking for a catchy name for UT's defense...well how about the "Bovine Flu" cuz let me tell you something, you don't want any part of it, and if you do have it, you're in for a world of hurt.

“Wildhorn, I think I love you (but I’m not in love you)” - Speaking of play calling that offends, why does Greg Davis insist on dialing up the Wildhorn package in the Red Zone?

If you've read this commentary more than once, you know I'm more comfortable talking Ex's and Ho's and rarely comment on X's and O's, but why would you take away the option to pass the ball against a defense that most likely has its safeties cheated up and an extra linebacker in the game for goal line? Please save the Wildhorn for between 20’s where you have more room to be a “Wild Chiles.”

“He’s a lover, not a fighter. But he’s also fighter, so don’t get any ideas. He is Kenny Vaccarro, the most interesting Longhorn Football Player to appear on the police blotter of late” - Wouldn’t be a Texas bye-week without a visit from Austin’s Finest. Apparently, young Kenny got into a little fight on the basketball court and punched a fellow student after that student threw a ball at Kenny hitting him in the ear...we can only assume it was a no look pass and Kenny was simply getting ready for the game against the Kansas Jayhawks who appreciate a good basket-brawl. Say your sorry, Kenny. Time served. Next case.

Other things about the first five weeks of the college football season that require no further comment but I was compelled to comment upon because I can...

"Keep your daughter and your overrated team off the Poll" - #3 OU, #4 Ole Miss, #5 Penn State, #6 Cal, #9 Miami, and #8 OU again have all gone down in the first five weeks to opponents they probably should have handled with ease. I'd love to dub it "Upset Saturdays," but I'm not sure you can really call them upsets. Those teams simply looked awful and lost very unceremoniously, giving proponents of doing away with preseason polls more than enough evidence to make a case for waiting until October to publish weekly polls. They’ve also made a laughing stock out of the Coach’s Poll that is obviously voted upon by coaches who couldn’t give two shits about any other team except the one they’re playing this Saturday...as it should be.

"Buster Heisman" - First Bradford and his shoulder and now Tebow and his head. It's open season on Heisman winning quarterbacks. We don't know the severity of Tebow's concussion, but it's safe to say his aggressive "Bam-Bam" approach to running head first into the opposition on QB keepers may not be such a good idea until he can successfully walk passed a microwave without forgetting his name and pissing his pants.

“I thought you said you were packin’ XII inches...that’s what she said.” - Other than OSU's win over Georgia, the Big XII as a whole really hasn't had a significant non-conference win. Folks might even start calling us the "Pac XII," as the conference will undoubtedly be chastised for the same reason the Pac 10 has been ridiculed in previous seasons - having one dominant team and a bunch of also-rans. Making matters worse, Texas, as the dominant team, hasn't had the opportunity to prove its prowess on the field after four wins over less than spectacular competition.

And now that we're entering conference play, any win over a fellow Big XII opponent will be met with additional skepticism voiced with the always irritating: "Yeah, but who have they beaten?"

All the Longhorns can do now is put their heads down and go about the business of winning every game. The toughest opponent now may be apathy considering Texas should be a heavy favorite going into just about every game for the remainder of the regular season. And given the inconsistent play that has marked the first month of the season, that's a huge concern considering the fact that every team is capable of playing much better than they have the previous week or weeks (Really? UTEP beat Houston, really?).

"Methinks the officials doth protest too much.” - I'm not a fan of conspiracy ref theories, but I don't think there's any doubt the officials negatively effected the outcome of the Geogria-LSU game by calling multiple questionable excessive celebration penalties. With a minute remaining, LSU still may have been able to march down the field for a score to win the game from deep in their own territory, but their effort sure was made that much easier after Georgia was forced to kick off from their own 20. Heck, the Tigers barely had to go more than 10 yards in that minute to be in FG range.

In the same way people like to say that holding can be called on any play, it seems the excessive celebration penalty can be called after every score and/or any big defensive stop. Players almost never contain their enthusiasm. Even worse, the interpretation of the rule is hardly precise and its enforcement rarely consistent.

Personally, I think anything short of spiking the ball or taunting the opposing players should not warrant throwing a flag. This is football, damn it. It's an emotional sport. And while the players can no longer claim ignorance as they know full well the refs will be looking for any display that calls attention to one's self, it's only human nature to want to celebrate. End of the day, this game is still a form of entertainment and entertainers entertain.

And speaking of excessive celebrations...

"As I jump, do I give him the ass or the crotch?" - I love this whole "flying chest bump" thing to celebrate a big play. I also think the "flying back bump" where two players jump towards each other, both do a 180 in mid-air, and touch backs is pretty cool too. But what do you call it when both players jump up and one goes in for the chest bump while the other rotates Boitano-style to do the back bump? The Flying Spoon? If you have access to the Texas-UTEP replay, check out Shipley celebrating with Buckner after one of the TD catches...it's very Blades of Glory-esque.

And finally...

Dear Longhorns,

Fate has decided it owes you seven minutes in heaven with the Prom Queen after last year’s mother of all BCS cock blocks. In fact, fate's almost trying to be too helpful - OU’s plethora of injuries and dearth of offensive playmakers (still got their thespian punter though), OSU players lying appearing on an episode of Cribs at Deion's house, Tech and A&M rebuilding for a a chance at 3rd place in the Big XII south in 2016, and you, yes you, UT, remaining ranked #2 despite playing the easiest non-conference schedule since Fred Akers asked Texas Woman’s University to dance.

So please, make the most of this golden opportunity by staying humble and vigilant. The Championship is all there for the taking provided you take care of business and remember that the next game is always the biggest game...even it it is against Colorado, a miserable team whose coach has taken “Bring Your Son To Work Day” way too seriously.

All my conditional love,



Blogger Star said...

"Chris Simms' Center For Kids Who Don't Read Defenses Good"


11:25 AM  

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