11.10.2005

Texas 62, Baylor 0

As a result of all the success the Longhorns have experienced this season, Coach Brown and his staff have received a number of congratulatory letters and phone calls from well wishers. Here's an odd voicemail that arrived after Texas' 62-0 thumping of Baylor last Saturday. It's from some guy in Crawford, TX named George...

HEY MACK,

You're doin’ a hell of a job, Brownie. Gettin' to 9-0 is hard work and I should know, cuz I'm a hard worker. And believe me, I know what it's like to be misunderestimated. I know the media's always asking ya all the time, "hey Brownie, when are you gonna win the big game?" But Cheney's always tellin' me, you can't tell 'em timelines because then the other team’ll know when to set their clocks to attack-mode. And we can't have that, so be like Cheney and keep it a secret. Oh, that Cheney, he's good at keeping secrets ain’t he? Hey Brownie, you never worked for the CIA did ya, heh-heh-heh? Just kiddin' and just remember, if you don't ever play in the big game, you can't ever lose the big debate, I mean the big game.

By the way, congrats on that win over OU. Once again, I can draw another comparallel to my situation. Oklahoma and Iraq are not that different. Neither one has any trees and if you drop a nucular bomb on 'em, nobody’ll even know the difference, heh-heh-heh. Anyway, you finally got to Stoops and I finally got to Saddam, probably cuz both of ‘em like to run and neither one of 'em had much of an air-attack, heh-heh-heh. Wish I could do the same to Osama and all his damn tourists.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't make it over to the game last Saturday. There was some lady in my driveway wavin’ a sign that said, "if you don't talk to me, you're going to have to answer to God." I think she was a Jehovah's Telemarketer or a friend of Harriet's or somethin’. Anyway, I did watch the game on the TV and I've got to tell you boy, I haven't seen a whipping in Waco like that since Janet Reno went Trick-or-Treatin’ at that compound.

Oh, and before I forget, if you see Lance, tell him not to worry. After we get done in Iraq, we're gonna take care of France next. Well, if they don't burn it down first, heh-heh-heh. All right, got to go solve another problem, something about a Scooter incident, but that's okay, cuz I'm a problem solver. Have a good one and good luck with...

THE NEXT GAME

No doubt Kansas will be fired up for this game after their disheartening last-second loss to Texas last year. Besides another Mark Mangino Bowl Conspiracy Series theory, look out for Jayhawk linebacker Nick Reid (#7). He and Vince Young exchanged pleasantries all game long last year with Young getting the last laugh by juking Reid out of his jock in the open field while converting an improbable 4th and 18 on the winning touchdown drive.

Chances are good these two will get into it again and I wouldn't be surprised to see them do a little verbal sparring, even after the whistle. Unfortunately for Mr. Reid, I would imagine Vince has asked each of his offensive linemen to pay little Nicky a visit from time to time throughout the game.

As for how the game will go, let's just put it this way, the last time Texas played a team considered by most pundits to have an "underrated defense" and a "suspect offense," the Horns only managed to win 62-0. And while I'm sure Kansas could beat Baylor even if morbidly obese Jayhawk Coach Mangino skipped the game because Arby's had a Roast Beef sale, I still see Texas putting this game away in the first half.

And yes I'm well aware that the Kansas defense will be a force to bereckoned with (#1 against the run), but no team's defense can hold up for four quarters if their offense is constantly going three and out and creating short-field situations for the opponent. That's basically what led to Texas' lopsided win over Baylor and most likely what will happen to Kansas this weekend as the game wears on and the Jayhawks first-year QB gets hit over and over again. As for just how lopsided the score will be, tip on over to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Texas 47
Mangino's Chins 13

TAILGATE UPDATE
ABC felt the game between the Longhorns and the Jayhawks (Mad Cow vs. Bird Flu) constituted the Big XII game of the week (must be a conspiracy, eh, Mangino), so kick-off for UT's last home game ("oh seatback, parting is such sweaty sorrow") has been set for 2:30pm (Afternoon delight). So come on down to the corner of 18th and San Jacinto (and Keep Austin Drunk) beforehand and get yourself something hot off the grill (while supplies last) and pour yourself a cold one from the tap (Yummy-yummy-yummy, I got beer in my tummy). And as a way of saying thank you to the Whittemore Gang (them’s good people) for all their hospitality this season (hosts with the mosts), toss a couple dollars into the donation jar (Do it, do it) so they'll keep coming back year after year (K-Fed says, "don't hate the tailgate they create, straight 2008").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Overhead in the middle of the very conservative Baylor Alumni section at Floyd Casey Stadium last Saturday...

"Dude, check out the cheerleader on the end. She is so smoking hot."
"Oh yeah, give me the binoculars...and some privacy."

Hook'em,54b

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