Texas 52, Texas Tech 17

While driving back to Dallas after the Longhorn's Top 10 win over Texas Tech last Saturday night, I was flipping stations and just happened to tune in 1340 KKAM - Lubbock Sports-Talk Radio for another intoxicating edition of...

COACHSPEAK WITH MIKE LEACH

"Shooter Johnson back wit ya, and joining me on the Texas Tech post game show is none other than Red Raider Head Coach Mike Lush."

"That's Leach you (beep)-hole and I thought the Doc told you to quit drinking?"

"Sorry coach, I think I overdid it on the cough medicine (hick-up), you know, trying to get rid of that birdy flu and all."

"Yeah, right, the bird flu. Can we get this over with?"

"You're the boss, um, wow, Longhorns 52, Red Raiders 17, what happened coach, I thought we were contenders to drink it all this beer, I mean win it all this year."

"Well, we had our chances. I thought we played well and were able to move the ball. Heck, we rolled up 460 yards of offense on that vaunted Texas defense, but we just couldn't put the ball in the end zone."

"I hear ya, it's like trying to start a cat."

"You mean like trying to herd a cat?"

"No, I mean start a cat. Last month after closing down the Hoot-N-Holler, the wife claims I came home and tried to stick my car keys up Fluffy's butt."

"Thanks for sharing. Can we just talk about the game?"

"Oh, yeah, um, in the second quarter, Mack had 17 showing, your boys had 10, why didn't you double down and go for it on 4th down?

"Because this isn't poker, it's football. And I thought I'd play for field position. I figured we'd punt it and pin the Horns deep like they did to us in the first quarter."

"Well, technically, he did put the ball inside the 20...he-he, (hick-up)."

"Shooter, seriously, get some help."

"I'm trying coach, it's that darn "12-step program" they keep telling me about. How am supposed to finish it if I can't make it more than a few feet when the cop tells me to walk a straight line?"

"I wouldn't know. Anything else?

"Sure, how 'bout we take one more chaser, I mean caller...Johnny-Bob from Dry Lake, you're on wit the coacher..."

"Hey Coach Leach, them Longhorns ain't exactly Sammy State is they? I thought we were gonna whoop 'em. And um, yeah, well, I sorta blew all my mama's funeral plot money on some tickets. She's not dead or nothin', but do you think you could spare me a couple a dollars?"

"That's it...Shooter, no more callers."

"Okay Coach, how 'bout we take a break for a few words from our sponsor...um, where's that (beep)in' 40-liner, ah (beep) it, I'll wing it...uh, (hick-up), the Liquor Barn would like to remind you to drink before you think, cuz dyslexia can kill a friendship. Oh, and for a limited time only, cans of Spike Dykes' Harder Lemonade is buy one, get the rest free...now back to the show, coach you got any last words?"

"Yes, I want to encourage all Red Raiders fans to come out and support the team next Saturday as we take on a good Baylor Bear team."

"Here-here, (hick-up), drink those beers, I mean beat those bears."

"Somebody please just shoot me."

"Oh come on now coach, it ain't that bad. Here, take a little pull off this here Nyquil."

"I swear Shooter, you keep this up, you really are gonna drive me to drink..."

"Now you're talkin', I'll get my keys...where the hell's that cat...Mmmmeeooowww...hey, coach, where ya going, wait for me... well guess that's it for another round of HoochSpeak, I mean Coachspeak, as always, I'm your host, Shooter Johnson saying, hey y'all, let's get along or let's get it on!" - OFF

Speaking of getting it on, on to..

THE NEXT GAME
Last year, Oklahoma State fielded a solid team, won some big ballgames, and even jumped out to a 35-7 lead on the eventual Rose Bowl-winning Longhorns down in Austin. But wow, what a difference a year and a head coach makes. I guess Les Miles left the cupboard empty when he left for Baton Rouge to take the LSU job because this year, the Cowboy's offense can be described as anemic at best. And when you can't move the ball, your defense will give up a lot of points. Even a beleaguered Aggie team put up 62 on the Pokes a couple weeks ago. I doubt the Horns will top that given Mack's reluctance to ever run up the score and the fact that most of UT's starters will be sitting on the bench by the 4th.

The problem is, it's one of those games where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If Texas runs up the score, they'll be accused of taking advantage of a team when it's down. Of course, if they don't run it up, every Hokie from here to Oxsnard will say we're not worthy when the BCS comes out. What to do, what to do...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Texas 44
Still Water Boys 0

TAILGATE UPDATE
This Saturday, me and a couple of buddies (54-brat pack) will be cruising up to Stillwater, Oklahoma (it's just OK). Besides Oklahoma State University (OS-who), Stillwater is also known for its semi-world famous bar, Eskimo Joe's (that's Inuit you honky). For a couple of bucks (saw my pimp today), you get to choose from a variety of funky-colored plastic cups (don't drop the tope) filled with beer that promises half the alcohol (3.2 on the liver
scale) and twice the number of trips to the men's room (it burns when I pee). So if you're going to the game (better Cowboy up), come on by and split a pitcher of beer (good 'til the last drop) and a plate of cheese fries with us ("I can smell you getting fatter").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Best Gameday sign...

"VENI, VIDI, VINCI"

("Veni, Vidi, Vici" is Latin for, "I came, I saw, I conquered." No doubt that's just what Vince did.)


Hook'em,
54b