Texas 51, Mizzou 20
If I'd known it was going to be Flag Day at Faurot Field last Saturday, I would have painted my face yellow and penalized myself for "intentional drowning of my liver." Instead I got frustratingly sober watching the refs penalize
A FEW BAD MEN
54B: Head Referee Davenport, do you pinky swear that the load of bull you are about to spin us will be close to the truth, a minor fabrication, or an unequivocal lie as long as you both shall live?
REF: I do...what?
54B: Would you state your name, rank, and favorite place in your pants to hide your flag?
REF: Walter Davenport, Head Referee,
54B: Sassy. So, Walt...can I call you Walt? Forget it. You, um, seem to have a bit of an oral fixation with your whistle. Does that have anything to do with your mother's refusal to breastfeed you as a baby?
REF: You will address me as Head Referee Davenport. I believe I've earned it...
54B: Impressive. Then you can call me 54boyscout 'cause before I got kicked out for fixing the Pine Box Derby, I rose to the rank of Bobcat. I'm quite sure I've earned it. Well my mom sewed my patch on anyway.
REF: What the hell kind of circus you running here? I'm out of here.
54B: Stay classy, hot shot, I haven't dismissed you yet.
JUDGE: Enough. This better be going some where, counselor...
54B: Okay Head Ref D, I have just one more question before I call Umpire Houlihan and Field Judge Skaggs to the stand. If you gave an order that this game was to be called fair--and your orders are always followed--then why the 14 penalties, why would the Longhorn's #2 ranking be in danger?
REF: You little 54bastard...
54B: You ordered the code yellow, didn't you? Because that's what ABC told you to do. And when
REF: YOU WANT ANSWERS?
54B: You want to phone a friend, maybe use the 50/50?
REF: YOU WANT ANSWERS?!
54B: Okay I'll bite, I want the truth.
REF: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
54B: Oh, I don't know, go ahead, make my day.
REF: Son, we referee a game that has rules. And those rules have to be enforced by men with flags. Who's gonna do it? You? You, waterboy? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for o-lineman Justin Blalock and you curse the referees. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That Blalock's 4 holding penalties, while pathetic, probably stopped the Horns from scoring 100. And my existence, while transparent and meaningless to you, stops high scoring and keeps the viewers at home watching. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at tailgate parties, you want me to throw that flag. You need me to throw that flag. You think that offensive pass interference at
54B: Did you order the nachos with extra cheese, I mean the code yellow?
REF: I did the job they paid me to do.
54B: DID YOU ORDER THE CODE YELLOW?
REF: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
Well, now that we got that cleared up, on to...
After watching the Longhorns chock up another solid win to go to 4-0, I expected the OU fans I know to be pretty quiet this week...not so fast, my friends. Without any hesitation at all, they all said about the same thing:
"I think we have a chance." And when they went on to explain why, something about their team coming together and the super talented freshmen coming of age, I started to say, "what the hell planet have you been living on the last five weeks." But it occurred to me that those OU fans sounded a lot like me the last five years trying to convince myself that the Horns had a chance.
Don't get me wrong, I think this year's game with the Sooners will be hard fought and if
OU's cupboard got emptied by the NFL, they're starting a freshman at QB and two in the secondary, and--wouldn't you just know it--super tailback Adrian Peterson got dinged on the ankle the week before the game. On the other side of the ball,
Will it happen? On to the...
Oops Stoops 13
TAILGATE UPDATE (State Fair Edition)
Despite OU's 2-2 record (OUch), tickets to the 100th edition of the Red River Shootout (Game on the Century) are still going to be tough to come by (OU sucks for you). For those of you lucky enough to find a ticket ("How many Wonka bars did you eat?), here is a little advice ("everybody in the club gettin' tips"):
1. Kick-off's at high-noon (skin that smoke wagon), so try to get to the fairgrounds by 9 a.m. ("Moose says your closed, I say you're open").
2. Find a parking lot (pave the way), don't park in "He Hate Me's" front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass").
3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands").
4. Upon entering the fair (rub your ass with salt and go to the petting zoo), buy coupon tickets immediately so you can get a beer (obey your thirst) and a corndog ("I can smell you getting fatter").
5. Get to your seats early (sit on it, Potsy), the stadium corridors are narrow (like your urethra) and get extremely crowded ("don't touch me there, it doesn't belong to you").
6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a clear liquor (oh Captain, my Morgan).
Adhere to these six simple edicts (tenets to win it), add in a little sun screen (SPF-OU), and try to remember, it's just a game, have fun ("it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get").
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Attention Sooners, all southbound lanes of I-35 from
PS. A very sincere thank you to