10.02.2004

Texas 44, Baylor 14

Fortunately for me, on the very week Texas hosted Baylor, my wife went into labor and delivered our first child at a hospital also named Baylor – thus allowing me to keep my mind on the baby and on the Bears all at the same time. Hey, I know what you're thinking, thank God we weren't playing the Aggies, or we might have given birth at a veterinary clinic. Anyway, rather than go into any detail on the Horns 44-14 victory over the "Care Bears," I thought I'd recap the most important event of my life (and no, I don't mean the time the equipment manager mistakenly put Ricky Williams' jockstrap in my locker)...

THE ARRIVAL OF 54C

(Don't worry, I saved the more "intimate" details of the birth for my "When Push Comes to Love" documentary airing on the Lifetime Channel's "Labor" Day Telethon.)

Monday, Sept. 27

8:02PM Watching Monday Night Football when my wife informs me that she thinks little 54c is "ready for some football." So I turned up the volume and suggested she press her belly to the speaker. She frowned and said, "No Eddison, I think he wants to SEE the game for himself." Oh!

8:07PM Contraction

8:12PM Contraction - 5 minutes apart, coincidence or not?

8:17PM Contraction

8:22PM Pass interference on the Skins, Cowboys get the ball at the 1 yard line...oh, and a contraction.

8:27PM Contraction

8:33PM Contraction - I'm not Rain Man, but I'm starting to notice a trend here.

8:38PM Contraction

8:43PM Contraction - The doorbell rings so I go to the door to see if it's the Stork. It's a delivery alright, except it's not a baby, it's a pizza. My wife says she doesn't want any unless it has a bunch of Pitossin on it, but I don't think Dominoes has that topping.

8:48PM Contraction

8:53PM Contraction - For you guys who think contractions are the reason you failed Math class, they're actually a sign that labor might be imminent and you tell for sure if your wife is having one when you hear a high pitched shriek followed by the words, "How would like it if I tied your testicles in a knot."

9:53PM The contractions have stopped coming five-minutes apart so my wife recommends we try and go to bed. I sleep with my hands covering my privates anyway. You know, just in case the contractions come back and she gets the urge to become an Eagle Scout.

Tuesday, Sept. 28

7:05AM "The contractions are happening again."

"Are they five minutes apart."

"No, they're threeeeeeeeeeeee..."

7:20AM Cruising to the hospital with one hand on the wheel and one hand squarely in the small of my wife's back. She's no longer talking during the contractions and frankly, she looks a little possessed. If her head had rotated 360 degrees, I wouldn't have been that surprised.

7:33AM Running into Labor and Delivery where I announce to the nurse at the front desk in my best "I'm not doctor, but I play one on TV" voice that my wife is 100% effaced and the Doc said we were at least 4 centimeters dilated the last time he checked. I guess the nurse wasn't impressed because she just said thanks Doogie and handed me some paperwork to fill out.

8:02AM Having alerted everybody I know, our parents, the Pope (he was sleeping, I left a message) and the media, I figure it's time to sit back, relax and watch the show. Instead my wife hands me something called a birthing ball and I spend the next 30 minutes developing a hernia airing it up. These things are harder to blow up than those clown balloons and you can't even make animal shapes out of them afterwards.

11:02AM You're probably thinking this would be a good time for an epidural but after seeing the anesthesiologist go all Pulp Fiction with a six inch syringe in birthing class, my wife decided she was going natural. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a lot of respect for my wife, but after watching her refuse the drugs, she's now kicking Joan of Arc's ass on the my hero scale.

11:22AM I've just set the Baylor Hospital record in the 30-meter dash to get ice chips and back. Don't sweat the technique - do you have any idea what the street value of a snow cone is to a woman in labor? They don't call him "Ice Cream Jones" for nothing.

11:47AM Those who can, have babies. Those who can't, coach. So seeing how my wife has now spent the last four hours enduring some really intense pain, I figure it's about time for my "culmination - you don't score until you score" inspirational speech. Unfortunately, as far as coaching goes, I'm about as effective as Greg Davis on 3rd and 7.

12:04PM The Doctor arrives to check on my wife and informs us that she is now 8.5 centimeters dilated and the intense pain she feels is because the baby is "sunny-side-up." Maybe he just came from a late breakfast at Denny's, but I'm pretty sure that's not a medical term. Apparently the baby's head was down, but he was facing the wrong way. Yep, sounds like my kid.

1:13PM We're on the homestretch now, but my wife is in serious pain. So the nurse recommends we "dance." I told her I didn't pack my cardboard and Addidas Wind Breaker...not amused she instructs my wife and I to hold onto one another and sway back in forth to take advantage of gravity. It was actually kind of nice. The room was cool and dark and if Purple Rain had been on the stereo I could have sworn I was back in 6th grade slow dancing at Billy Parker's no-parents-allowed birthday party.

1:35PM My wife is back in bed and the Doctor is now getting into position with a whole new set a toys that weren't there a second ago. He looks up at my wife and says, "Maverick, you're three quarters from the deck, call the ball." Kidding, he says it's time to push. Oh boy, literally.

1:59PM Give me a phat beat because out of the tunnel comes little 54c (without all the smoke, but plenty of jumping up and down of course). Then the Doc looks over and asks me if I want to cut the cord. I can't speak, I just nod acceptingly knowing all those years of playing "Operation" have finally paid off.

2:10PM At the weigh in, 54c is 8.4 lbs and measures just shy of 21 inches, perfect for a linebacker. He has good hands though, so we may look into playing tight-end. Football player or not, he's perfect and in that very instant, I had my priorities completely rearranged. I'm sure it's a cliché but nothing else really matters to me now except he and his mother. To be honest, I'm not even that concerned about...

TEXAS VS. OU

What hasn't been written about this one? The Dallas Morning News has done a two-page spread on the rivalry every day this week. Bush vs. Kerry is lucky if it gets a couple of columns. The hype is unbelievable and maybe that's why Coach Brown has tried to play it down. Mack even went as far as to say his job is safe if he loses again so as not to put too much pressure on his players. Then he went and took the blame for the last four losses. Something tells me these wet blanket tactics aren't working, not even on his own players.

As for the game inside the lines, everyone has been pointing to the fact that the Sooners' D-line has been depleted which will allow Benson lots of running room. Maybe, but that still doesn't cancel out the fact that Young can't throw the ball and Stoops is smart enough to stack the line. I think the key will be for Young to drop back, wait until the pocket collapses and take off running. Either that or throw deep every 5th play or so to spread the field and then come back with some tight-end crossing patterns over the middle. Let's hope Greg Davis picks up the sideline phone, calls his ass and asks his head to come out and play.

Defensively, I would like our chances a lot better if we had a legitimate pass rush, but our star DE couldn't pass his classes, so we don't. I've seen some good things out of our DBs but they haven't seen the likes of Jason White and Mark Clayton. Given enough time, the incumbent Heisman trophy winner will pick them to pieces. Not sure how good Adrian Peterson and the Sooners running game will be, but I think stopping the big play passing game is paramount. When Coach Tomey asked his defensive players to share painful personal experiences with the team for bonding purposes, let's hope 63-15 made story time.

Regardless of what anyone says, the fact still remains that OU is just a damn good football team with a damn good coach. They've won four in a row and will come in anxious, but confident. Texas, on the other hand, is under a lot more pressure to get the monkey off their backs and will have to experience some success early to hang with OU and possibly pull off the upset unleashing a Texas sized party Dallas has never seen and may not be able to control.

So will Mack apologize for a 5th straight loss or be forced to say he's sorry for knocking that sh*t-eating-grin off of Stoops face? On to the...

TAILGATE UPDATE

For the third time ("charmed, I'm sure") in four years, Texas and OU enter the Red River Shootout (not exactly PC now is it) both ranked in the top five ("it's an honor just to be nominated") and as usual, tickets are going for outrageous prices (Bling-squared). For those of you (in the dough-nation) who are fortunate enough to have procured a golden ticket (Thank you Willie Wonka) to the game and brave enough to chance a 5th straight loss (screw y-OU), here are few tips (better double-bag it) when going to the game:

1. Get the fairgrounds well before the game ("Chop-chop, mind your pace, boy")

2. Find a parking lot, don't park in "He Hate Me's" front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass")

3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands")

4. Buy coupon tickets immediately upon entering the fair (after you check your pig at the door of course)

5. Get to your seats well before Kick-Off, the stadium corridors get extremely congested (Mmmmoooooo!)

6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a clear liquor (oh Captain, my Morgan).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"How did your son get the nickname Tad?"

"When we found out we were pregnant, the Doc told us our baby was 4 millimeters long and had a tail...you know like a tadpole."

"Oh, nice, but how could they tell he was only 4 millimeters long?"

"I don't know, I guess he was tall for his age."

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