9.04.2004

Texas 65, North Texas 0

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WERE TAKING NORTH TEXAS A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY...

10) Chanted "Darryl, Darryl" while coach Dickey and his players went through the breakfast buffet at the team hotel.

9) Offered to fluff football office cleaning lady's pillows if she would slip stolen X-Rays of Patrick Cobb's thumb under Mack's door last week.

8) Called Rand McNally and requested map of the Sun Belt.

7) Started cult of "Orange Crush Disciples" to challenge "Mean Green

Believers" to Mello Yello bladder-buster contest.

6) Asked total stranger to help re-apply your face paint in the men's room because your wife fled after unfortunate Jumbotron appearance during the second quarter.

5) Drove to Denton to scout North Texas' Green Brigade march band.

4) Paid an additional $30 to cable-company just so you could TiVo pay-per-view version of the game. (It's funny because it's true.)

3) Put American Idol audition on hold to perfect beboxing routine so you'd be ready when called upon to "Give (Longhonrns) a phat beat."

2) Risked unemployment by leaving bicycle rickshaw double-parked outside

Royal-Memorial for the entire second half because you were concerned North Texas might make a come back.

And the #1 sign you were taking N. Texas a little too seriously...

1) Brought more than one Bevo (XIII and XIV) to the game.

NOT SO MEAN GREEN

65-0, obviously Mack and the Horns were taking the Mean Green seriously. I can't remember ever seeing a Longhorn team more prepared to play a game. Sure, North Texas isn't a world-beater and they are a young team, but a shutout is still as shutout no matter who you're playing. Vince and Ced looked more consistent and confident than ever before and watching so many Longhorn defenders converge on the ball was a reverent reminder of Texas' defenses from the days of Royal. I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it.

The orange-colored glasses are definitely back out, but...before I go run off and announce us National Champs, I think I'll withhold judgment a while longer (probably ought a take a cold shower too). That was just one game. We still haven't seen any evidence that the Texas passing game has improved all that much, and with North Texas throwing so few passes, nobody knows if the DBs are capable of executing the zone defense either. But that's all about to change tomorrow with...

THE NEXT GAME

There wasn't a whole lot of preseason hype surrounding the Razorbacks as the pundits set the expectations low for a team with one returning starter on offense. Of course that one starter happens to be 6 ft. 6 in., 240 lb. QB Matt Jones and he only managed to beat N. Texas Sun Belt buddy New Mexico State 63-13 last week with those so-called new guys. Arkansas may not be ranked, but don't think for a second that Fayetteville is going to be a cakewalk. Personally, I'll consider the weekend a success if I make it back without hearing the words "hey boy, squeal like a pig."

It's going to be crazy, but it's a good early season test. I expect the game to be very close for at least the first half. But I think Texas' confidence and experience can force some turnovers and mistakes against a young Razorback team. Pay close attention to the match-up between UT's linebackers and Arkansas' offensive line. No doubt Texas Defensive coordinator Robinson has cooked up some blitzes that'll make those little piggies wished they'd stayed home.

On the other side of the ball, here's another great test for the zone read. Houston Nut is a smart coach. Vince is going to have to be very disciplined when deciding whether to hand off to Ced and Mack and Greg Davis are going to have to throw the ball to stretch the Razorback defense and get some of them off the line of scrimmage and out of the running lanes (especially in the first quarter when they're all pumped up by the crowd.

As for just who will win, let's turn it over to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Welcome back to Theater Of The Absurd where Texas beat-writer Chip Brown is interviewing hit-man Jules from Pulp Fiction...

CHIP: "What do you think of the Razorback's chances Saturday?"

JULES: "I don't eat pork."

CHIP: "You don't think the Hogs have a good team this year?"

JULES: "No, I just don't dig on swine...pig's a filthy animal, I don't eat filthy animals."

CHIP: "But Matt Jones is good, the Hog defense is good."

JULES: "Sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know, coz I wouldn't eat the filthy mother-f*cker."

Makes sense to me...Texas 45, Filthy Pigs 24

TAILGATE UPDATE

Though three weeks (or less) away from giving birth to our first child (Major Simms Davies), my wife has given me the okay ("you've got clearance Clarence") to make a quick trip to Fayetteville ("Who run Barter Town?") this weekend to catch the Longhorns vs. the Razorbacks (Lord of the Flies - Part 2). The plans are to take off early Saturday morning ("Tivo Sponge Bob") and just see what happens when we get there ("Joel, sometimes you just got to say what-the-f*ck"). If you're going to the game ("sharpen a stick at both ends"), you may want to check out the Texas-Exes party (Matriculators Round-up) in the parking lot next to Arkansas' baseball stadium (the Hog Trough). If you're not going (check on my wife for me), it'll be on ESPN at 7:45pm ("the nighttime is the right time").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Near the tailgate, under the bridge over Waller Creek where it's "presumed" that many well-imbibed Longhorn fans go to relieve themselves...

Guy 1 (Trying to zip up quickly) "Um, I'm just looking for my keys."

Guy 2 (Waiting to pee) "I hope that's all you're looking for."

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