KEEPING WARM IN WACO
Screw me if I'm wrong, but Waco, Texas could be the most sexually repressedcollege town next to South Bend, Indiana. Last weekend, yours truly made the 100 mile crusade to the Valley of the Shadow of Dairy Queen to watch Bevo vs. the Baptists (don't ask me why) and suffice it to say, I was positively floored by what transpired. No, I'm not talking about the 30 degree drop in temperature during the game, I'm referring to the cold front during the pre-game festivities at George's bar. For a moment there, I thought I was at a 6th grader's first dance party. On one side of the bar you had a group of Baylor girls milling about smartly in their sorority shirts expounding the greatness of their latest ice-cream social (no doubt it was "off the hook.") And on the other side, you had the Hush-Puppy mafia, a group of Baylor frat guys who looked like they just got back from a clearance sale at TJ Max. Even with Pat Green on extended play on the juke box and $2 schooners of beer, you couldn't get that place to warm up with a double-order of George's famous frijoles. So it got me to thinking...these Bears are cool in their own way, all these guys need to break the ice is a little High Karate and an opening line. So without further ado, I give you the...
TOP 10 PICK-UP LINES FOR BAYLOR:
10) Wanna borrow my flashlight at the lock-in?
9) My name's Mathew, but you can call me Conan the Seminarian.
8) This one time, at Vacation Bible School...
7) Is your father a thief, because he must have stolen my Plasma TV and put it in your apartment. (Sorry, that's from "Top 10 Pick-up Lines for Benson")
6) Can I put a dollar in your collection pants?
5) If you're lucky, maybe later you'll get to see my "Oh God" face.
4) Hey, I'll eat the apple if you'll talk to the snake.
3) I confess, I've had impure thoughts, better give me a spanking.
2) Is your bush on fire because it's been talking to me all night.
1) I'm a Bear, you're a Bear, let's co-hibernate?
Well, it's worth a shot anyway. At least we know the students won't score any less than the Baylor offense did at...
Fifty-six to zero. It was so bad, I have to spell out the score so as not to upset the little kids. It reminded me of when I was younger and used to put my hand on my little brother's forehead to keep him at arms length while he swung and tried to hit me to no avail. Every time Baylor got the ball it looked like they were running the "prevent offense." They couldn't get anything going. Head coach Guy Morris is doing a good job, but even with the Colorado win, Baylor has a long way to go. But who are we to talk? Despite the lopsided victory, Texas isn't exactly a team whose got it all together either. And unlike Baylor, we can't use lack of talent as an excuse. More and more, it looks as if the Texas Longhorns are trying to out-talent their opponents rather than out-play them. What do I mean by this, you ask? Basically it means instead of designing plays and utilizing players in a way that attacks opposing defenses and exploits their weaknesses, Texas sort of tells the tall kid (Roy Williams) on the team, who can run really fast and jump really high, to run around until the QB can throw it in his vicinity. Then of course, Roy jumps up, catches the ball and lets his God-given athleticism take over from there. This is an oversimplification, but believe me, you've seen this happen many times. And no doubt it's fun to watch, but the problem is that it's not really football, it's yard-ball like we used to play at the park when we were kids. And while exceptional talent alone seems to be good enough to beat about 90% of the teams out there, it doesn't get the job done when playing teams with comparable talent levels. When playing Top 10 competition in the last four years, the Horns have looked disoriented and complacent. And without proper direction to focus their talent, the players become disillusioned and invariably quit (see the OU game.) I contend that Coach Brown and his staff have become too reliant on the talent rather than taking the necessary time to really coach the finer points of the game and adequately prepare this team. I could be wrong, but with Texas facing two teams in the Top 20 over the next two weeks, this is a hell of time to test my theory. First up...
For the first time in a while, Texas and Nebraska will be playing for little more than bragging rights. Unlike the last five times these two teams have met, there are no national championship implications or 20-game home winning streaks on the line. Win or lose, Nebraska will still be in line to win the right to get their asses kicked by OU in the Big XII Championship and the only thing a Longhorn win will accomplish is prolonging Carl Reese's career at UT for one more week. Not to get too negative on you, but there's a reason this "marquee" match-up is slated for 11am instead of 2:30. Even though both teams are ranked, the simple fact is, neither one is that good.Nebraska may be 7-1 and sports a rejuvenated defense, but their offense is still one-dimensional. The Cornhuskers can only go as far as Jamal Lord's feet will take them. Texas counters with Vincent Young, who can run just as well and demonstrates a slightly better ability throwing the ball. But neither quarterback is particularly proficient in the passing game. To me, this game comes down to whether Texas' much-maligned defense can hold Jamal Lord in check long enough for Vincent Young (or Chance Mock) to figure out a way to score on Nebraska's "Blackshirts?" For more on that, here's the...
In honor of Halloween...
Trick or treat,
Watch Vince's feet,
Send Nebraska to another defeat.
(Horn 24, Candy Corn 17)
Even though the Nebraska game (Is it N.U.?) kicks off at 11am (Come earlier, be louder, stay later, wear oranger?), Whittemore and the Gang (Hamburger Helpers) will have the tailgate jumping (watch your head) at the usual place (Dos XX marks the spot), bright and early this Saturday morning (BEER:30am). The menu calls for Breakfast Tacos (Egg-cellent choice) before the game and some type of beef product (I'll take mystery meat for a hundred Alex) afterwards. There will also be cold beer ("you had me at hello") on tap as long as it lasts ("it's good to the last drop"). The parking police (Tariff Sheriffs) are still hassling us (laisez-faire in the derriere), so don't forget to donate ("show me the money") a couple of bucks for the parking fee (Read my lips, kiss my taxes).
"Quit trying to run up the score, Mack, or we'll change into our red and white uniforms at halftime." - Disgruntled Baylor Fan
"Baylor Bear football - it's a "Guy" thing!" - As seen on a bumper sticker on my down to Waco (insert your own joke here)