Texas 28, Arkansas 38

TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD HUG A HOG:

10) TX/OU Tickets - Now 35% Off!

9) Grandma can get that much needed surgery now that you have no excuse not to sell your Rice tickets.

8) Texas can forget about all those "silly" team goals and concentrate on the real reason for playing this season: winning Roy the Heisman.

7) It's such a relief knowing Nebraska can no longer end our 20-game home winning streak.

6) Mack Brown's annual October Apology will be much better with all the practice he's getting in September.

5) That Governor of California won't be the only "G. Davis" recalled this Fall.

4) Texas' national ranking actually went up in Jeff Sagarin's Poll.

3) Emerald City slapped with restraining order after it was revealed that the Great and Powerful Carl Reese doesn't have any courage, heart, or brains to pass out.

2) Automatic bid to the Tangerine Bowl in sunny Orlando now just 4 easy losses away.

And the number one reason you should hug a Hog:

1) Because the Texas Defense couldn't.

WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?

Since two-a-days, all we've heard out of Austin is how Mack Brown is getting tough and yelling at practice. How the running game will be vastly improved because Benson is well again and how the O-line is made up of Players who would just as soon kill you as look at you ("Did you hear? So-and-so got in a fight with what's-his-name at practice today. Oh yeah, will win it all this year for sure."). I guess if you drink the orange Kool-aid long enough, you have no choice but to believe the hype. After last week's bold prediction, two things are obvious: I fell for the hype And I know very little about football. But I do know a few things about advertising. And believe me, if the guy in the commercial tells you "this ain't your father's Oldsmobile," the smart money says if you buy that tricked-out stationwagon, the only chick you're going get in the backseat is your grandmother.

Mack Brown is a great salesman, and if you don't believe me, ask yourself why anyone in his right mind pay $70 a ticket to go see Texas play Rice. The man can sell, no doubt about it. As for his prowess as a head coach, I'm not so sure. Calling for his dismissal after one loss is rash, but a lot of the things that led to Saturday's revealing 38-28 loss to Arkansas are indicative of Mack Brown's teams during his tenure as coach of the Texas Longhorns -- players going through the motions and ill-prepared to play, unbalanced, one-dimensional offenses, a bend but don't break defensive philosophy, inconsistent Special Teams play (especially in the punting game), no sign of adjustments being made after half-time and after the game, pampered players so deep in denial that they actually say things to the media like "Arkansas was lucky - if anything, they snuck out of here with a win" and a coaching staff that's only answer for why Texas lost is "we just didn't get as many breaks as they did today." Hey, the writing was on the wall all along, but we were just too busy strutting around on top of it to read it.

ABANDON CHAMPION-SHIP

Right now Texas reminds me of one of those extravagant cruise ships stranded out in the ocean with no power, no sense of direction and taking on water fast. Unfortunately, with an Owl riding a Green Wave serving as our only hope on the horizon, this season may very well be sunk before they ever find any real life preservers. Texas is in desperate need of some leadership, both on the field and off. Every time something goes wrong, the players just look around as if somebody else is at fault. Roy tried to rally the troops, but it's hard when you're fumbling the game away on your own five-yard line and the coaching staff you depend on is calling for horizontal passes out of you're own end-zone. This team has 7 returning starters on offense and 8 on defense, yet on Saturday, they looked like they'd never played a down of football together. The Longhorns aren't a team, they're a group of individuals so accomplished in high school that they think they can out-talent other teams rather than outplay them. What's worse, the coaching staff relies on that talent rather than actually strategizing and trying to out-coach an opponent. Over the last two years that was good enough for 11-2, but players change and this year we may be lucky to go 7-5. The talent is still there, but not utilized like it has been in the past. Ricky Williams could get hit at the line of scrimmage and still make 5 or 6 yards, Benson can't. When Cedric gets to line of scrimmage, he looks like a 4-year old jumping into a swimming pool for the first time. And say what you will about Chris Simms, but the boy could throw. Mock doesn't get as much on the ball and is indecisive when it comes to throwing or tucking and running. The receivers are as talented as ever but Greg Davis can't figure out how to get them all involved and use them to their potential. Did you notice that not one tight-end caught a ball on Saturday?

Defensively, there is a lot of speed and finesse but not a lot of fortitude. Shaun Rogers, Casey Hampton and Corey Redding were a force to be reckoned with, but today's line isn't as stout and relies more on speed than brute force. But rather than plan the game around the player's strengths, the coaches have opted to make the players fit into the same old schemes. The problem isn't a "lack of breaks," "the wind" or some other ridiculous spin Mack concocts to appease the media, it's a lack of foresight and a lack of raw coaching ability. Mack is so busy trying to sell the product on the field, he forgot to put a product on the field worth selling.

(Stop playing soundtrack from "Beaches" and put in "Rocky III")

Okay, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Now it's time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, pull ourselves up off the floor and give the bird to all those Longhorn hating vultures circling our cubes right now. Bevo's down, but he ain't out. So ask your self, what would Red do...

GET BUSY WINNING OR GET BUSY APOLOGIZING?

I hate to go here this early in the season, but you know I have to...

Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? (Forget it, he's rolling.) Was it over when Mr. T beat up Rocky and made him do uncomfortable man-love scenes on the beach with Action Jackson? Was it over when my Atari 2600 was declared Y2K incompatible? Was it over when my parents dropped Cinemax from our Cable subscription? Was it over when Charlie gave the Everlasting Gobstopper back to Mr. Wonka? Hell no it wasn't over. (Begin slow clap sequence.) It's not over until we say it's over.

Tell that fat lady to take five. I know you're hurting. Maybe you feel alone, perhaps abandoned or unloved. But you got to hold on for one more day, things will go your way, and if they don't, there's always the YMCA. Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find some little nerd and whip his ass just for the hell of it.

Because "We're Texas" damn it, and everything's bigger and more expensive down here. So you just wave those Horns in the air and wave them like you just don't care because all we have to fear is reruns of Fear Factor and no I won't go gently into that good night because I don't take shit from nobody, or wooden nickels either and I don't care if Stoops comes back from outer space with that look upon his face, I will survive. I will survive and so will you damn it. I don't care if it takes all night, I want to see four passes before you shoot and for the love of good Scotch, don't let me catch you watchin' the paint dry. Just win baby. Just win.

Winning isn't every thing, it's the only thing that helps the medicine go down. So swallow your wounded pride and your gum if your chewing some and go out there and give me 110%, at least half of the time. It's go time. It's show time. It's magazines for shin guards, 3/4 inch Spot-built cleats, eye black all over your face, big disgrace, kickin' ass all over the place time. So show me how to paint the fence Daniel-son, and when the breaks are hitting the boys, tell them to go out there and win one for the stripper. Holy shit, pass me the Pepto. On to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Mack uses rare footage of Rice head-coach Ken Hatfield squealing like a Razorback after Rice shockingly upset of Texas in 1994 for motivation.

Longhorns 59, Nerd Herd 0

TAILGATE UPDATE

Kick-off for the Rice game (Nerd alert) is at 8:22pm (the nighttime is the right time) and fortunately for those of us not traveling (sorry Rudy, maybe next time) to Houston this weekend, the game (Rice Crispy Beat-down) will be televised on ESPN2 (right after World's Strongest Lesbian). As for those of you (Agent Burnt-Orange) attending the game, get to Reliant Stadium (say hi to Tom for me) early as traffic is usually bad (Houston, we have a problem).

QUOTEWORTHY

Sitting at a table next to us at Matt's El Rancho on Friday night was a 50-year old man with his 22-year old trophy wife and his dejected 16-year old son...

"Gees, poor kid, I wonder what he's thinking right now."

"I'll tell you what he's thinking - (He's thinking) Dad, I'm taking Mom to Prom."