54b's 2003 Preseason Unspectacular

"Take A Chance On Mock" (Track 5 on The Best of Abba Album)

Mack don't change your mind, he's the next in line

The Championship's a lock

Take a chance on Mock

If you wanna win, let Chance know, Ced will be around

If he's got no place to throw,

Don't worry Coach Brown

You're not alone, Roy's still here, he's not gone

The Championship's a lock

Take a chance on Mock

Mock's gonna do his very best and that ain't no lie

If he fails the test, we're gonna yell for V-Y

Take a chance on Mock,

Take a chance on Mock

Thank you very much, I'll be here all season. Don't forget to tip your cow.


Last year about this time, I could check my email and find no less than 30 messages a day expounding the greatness of the 2002 Texas Longhorns. If Chris Simms so much as super-sized his fries at McDonalds, I, and the rest of Longhorn Nation gained three pounds just reading about it. This year, it has been difficult getting so much as a weather report from two-a-days. It's very quiet right now. Almost too quiet. Texas isn't getting a lot of attention from the press and from what little information has been disseminated, most of it pertains to quarterback Chance Mock, who has been penciled in as the starter. This, I guess, is to be expected considering he is the one piece of the offensive puzzle which has yet to be firmly cemented in place and the biggest question mark at the foremost of peoples' minds. On a positive note, the offense returns intact for the most part, with the best receiving corp. in the nation (tight ends aren't bad either), a deep backfield and despite a few key losses, an offensive line that could take down a Panchos Mexican Buffet in about as much time as it takes to raise the flag. Unfortunately, since Chris Simms took almost every snap last year, his replacement hasn't ever taken a snap with something on the line. So for right now, Texas fans, and the rest of college football are just dangling in limbo withholding judgment on the 2003 Longhorns until we actually see them in action. A luxury Chris Simms never had I might add, and one that will undoubtedly be a benefit to Chance Mock.

In my mind, the biggest question really isn't whether Chance Mock can get the job done, it's how long will Mack Brown keep him in the game after the "sh*t hits the fans." Mack doesn't exactly have a good track record when it comes to sticking with one gun and Mock's back-up isn't exactly a walk-on. Vincent Young was considered by many recruiting experts as the highest rated quarterback coming out of high school a couple of years ago and if Mock stumbles out of the blocks, an unrelenting press and an unforgiving fan base will quickly call for his replacement. But now is no time for quarterback roulette. Brown made a smart move by naming Mock the starter. Let's hope he's got Royal's good sense to stick with his decision and "dance with the one that brung him." Otherwise, it could be a very long year for the...


As always, this commentary assumes that you already know the names, playing weights, favorite reality show and wind-aided 40 time for all 22 starters, the specialists and the water boy. So if you're looking for in-depth depth chart analyses, returning starter ratio theorems, position-by-position breakdowns or something to wipe your ass with when the two-ply runs out, go pick up a preseason preview from one of those snake-oil prognosticators. Believe me, before the season starts, there isn't a whole lot I, or anyone else for that matter, can tell you that you don't already know. So if you're reading this commentary in search of answers, I'm afraid all I have to offer you is more questions. So go grab a #2, phone and friend and let's begin the always unpopular....


1) "Come early, be loud and stay late" - Mack Brown inviting you to Sunday night's opener or the new ad campaign for the Southern Baptist church?

2) "If that Mockingbird won't sing, will Mack Brown just have to start Young for a championship ring?"

3) The Arkansas game kicks off at high noon, in the middle of September - somebody's flakin' or we smell bacon?

4) Will Williams co-star with Mock in "The Legend of Bagger Chance?"

5) "Mr. Rice Owl, how many licks does it take to kick your ass?"

6) How did Cedric Benson know medicinal marijuana would cure his turf toe?

7) Is Green Wave secret code for BCS revolution or Division I-A imposter?

8) Will Derrick Johnson be the leader of the pack or leader of the smack?

9) After the K-State game, will the headline in the paper read "Cats Gone Wild" or "Sooner Tune-up?"

10) For the forth time, will OU suck or will the Horns blow?

11) If defense wins championships, then what exactly does Greg Davis do?

12) Is it considered rude to break wind when playing Iowa State?

13) When Mack Brown went looking for a new offensive line coach, did he interview "Jared" from Subway?

14) Did God forsake Baylor after they legalized dancing?

15) Any chance the halftime show during the Nebraska game will feature a nude, bongo solo by Matthew McConaughey?

16) OSU returns several key starters - will Stillwater still suck?

17) After we beat Tech, would it be all right if we just tore Lubbock down?

18) Can we add the number of times a teams mascot sh*ts on the field to the BCS formula?

19) Is Franchione Italian for traitor?

20) And finally, will 2003 finally be the year Mack Brown wins a championship (of any kind)?

Well, for that capricious prognostication, let's turn it over to the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, and always uncensored....


Kick it one time Vanilla...

All right stop, promulgate and listen,

"b" is back with a brand new prediction

The press is, takin' UT too lightly

Horns are gonna roll both daily and nightly

Where will Texas stop? Yo - Sugar Bowl

Count up the votes, they topped the poll

To the end-zone Longhorns will stampede and rumble

Light up the scoreboard and watch the opponent crumble

Score, and hear the cannon go boom,

The smoke in the air signals more impending doom

Showband, strikes up a dirge melody

Anything less than a title is a felony

Like it or not, they comin' through,

Big 12 be warned, the Eyes are upon you

If there ever was a year, Yo, this is it

Put Texas down in the book for the National Championship

Su-gar Bowl Baby, too sweet, too sweet,

Su-gar Bowl Baby, too sweet, too sweet

You heard it here last, the 2003 Texas Longhorns will win the National Championship. Chance Mock will get the time he needs to develop before the schedule gets dangerous and if the Horns can take care of business at home, find a way to exploit the vaunted Sooner defense and stay focused in Stillwater and College Station, running the table isn't out of the question. Texas has several senior starters to provide leadership, enough talent to fill a draft board and a coaching staff that can't make any more mistakes because they've already made them all. As long as the Longhorns stay healthy and don't get ahead themselves, New Orleans won't just be a destination, but a cause for celebration.


September 31 (Sunday, Sunday, Sunday), the Whittemore Gang (Jac-Street Boys) will be back at it again reserving that awesome spot (location, location, location) in the parking lot on the corner of 18th and San Jacinto (Remember the Alamo), just a block north of Schultz Beer Garden (Pilsner patch). The tailgate will probably start jumping (Tex n'effect) about three hours before kick-off ("You said early"). Just look for the white trailer ("down by the river") with the keg taps and the 6-foot BBQ smoker (meals on wheels). There will be some beer on tap ("hooray for beer"), but it's probably a good idea (double bag it) if you bring along your own frosty beverages (burnt-orange whip). As for food ("it's Shake n' bake and I helped"), there's always something good cooking on the grill (I feel the need, the need for feed). And even though these guys ("oh gees, these players") don't ask for anything in return (sexual favors), it would be nice if you threw a few bucks their way (Come early, be loud, donate).

This just in (Dave Cody is gay, who knew?), the state legislature (can I get a recall?) approved a bill (break quorum for that ya jagoffs) making it legal to charge tailgaters (taxation without lubrication) to park in government lots (squatters rights) based on the number of spaces occupied (we just landed on Park Place with 3 RV's). This Sunday, some state official ("What kind of name is Poon anyway?") is going to visit the tailgate and assess a fee ("you using the whole fist there doc?") to be initiated before the Arkansas game (Porky's Revenge) and imposed every game afterward ("sorry folks, park's closed"). If you (Orange-blooded Americans) would like to voice your displeasure ("collect call from Mr. Deez Nuts"), please call Jeffrey (a.k.a. "Buster") Hyman at 512-463-5420 ("fair is fair").


Next-door-neighbor: So, your Horns going to be any good this year?"

Me: "Don't know, but I like our Chances."


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