Texas 41, Houston 11


10) Run to the store for some peanut butter because they just can't seem to cover the spread.

9) Get called for some obscure penalty just to settle a bet on what the referee hand signal looks like.

8) Secretly replace the Gatorade with Foldier's Instant coffee and see if anyone notices the difference.

7) Count the people not wearing orange in the stands.

6) Develop conspiracy theories on Roy Williams' hamstring injury.

5) Dye Chance Mock's hair red and give him jersey number 11 just to screw with Simms' head.

4) See how close they can fumble the ball near the endzone without actually crossing the goal line.

3) Order two-dozen pizzas to be delivered to Deloss Dodds' stadium suite.

2) Figure out which goalpost to name after Red McCombs and which one to name after Tom Hicks.

1) Ask Greg Davis to call his ass and see if his head can come out to play.


Face value for tickets to see the Cougars vs. Longhorns in Austin last weekend was $40.00. While I can't speak for everyone, for my money, I want to see four quarters of competitive football. Not a first half track meet and then two quarters of grab ass. What in the hell is Mack Brown telling these players in the locker room at halftime anyway? "Hey Chris, what are you trying to do, win the Heisman? Ease up buddy, throw some picks, take a few sacks, it's more democratic that way." For the third game in a row, the Horns have come out flat in the 3rd quarter. Granted, the teams they've played so far couldn't move the ball with a U-Haul, but that's no excuse to take a break. It's like watching a cat toy with a mouse. Kill the damn thing already and let's move on. You can't take the 3rd quarter off against the likes of OU and K-State andexpect to win. I've said it before, I'm still waiting to see the Horns play a complete game. So rather than wasting your time breaking down the game, let's just move on to....


Welcome back to "Coach Brown, this is your life." New Orleans, home of the Tulane Green Wave (what the hell is that anyway), marks the second stop on the Mack Brown coaching carousel and the second game this season versus a Conference USA opponent. And frankly, that's two too many. Tulane is 2-2 and presently riding a two-game losing streak with losses to power house teams like Memphis (didn't even know they had a team) and East Carolina (any relation to North Carolina). And I guess I could go on about Tulane's running attack and the fact that their best wide receiver is out but does it really matter? I didn't think so, on to the....


They don't call it The Big Easy for nothing (Texas 42, Tulane 10)


Last night, as I watched the news (100% chance of showers) feeling sorry for myself because I thought my trip to New Orleans (in Louisiana, N.O. means yes) would have to be canceled because of Hurricane Isidore (now that's a booze cruise), I noticed a boarded up window ("roll'em up) behind the newscaster (unlucky bastard). On it, a spray painted message read "In New Orleans, we don't run, we party." ("Ya damn right, Shaft"). So I called up Southwest (Peanuts for less) and switched my flight to the only one left with seats available ("seat's taken, can't sit here"). That's right, the 6:20AM ("you said early") Friday morning jaunt to New Orleans, non-stop (of course). As for the hurricane (Isidore no esta aqui), it's somewhere in Kentucky (you got a purty mouth) by now. As for the game (Green wipe out), it starts at 2:30PM in the Superdome (where's Ricky?). Texas Exes (nerd herd) is throwing a party at the Hyatt (ahoy paloy) but I doubt too many people will head there considering the number of things (what's Big Daddy's?) to do and see in the French Quarter (show your tits). If you've never been to New Orleans (God help you), start with Pat O's (you'll like that Hurricane) or Razoo's (3 for 1, trust me) and work your way down (Hell: Next Exit) from there. Otherwise, just remember a little piece of advice the Police Sergeant (Ocifer, I'm not as think you drunk I am) gave me when I went to the Sugar Bowl (Hokie no Pokie): "In New Orleans, boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and sometimes, boys will be girls." So be safe (wear a raincoat) and don't wonder too far down Bourbon Street ("It's raining men") unless you're into that kind of thing (you like Pet Shop Boys?).


"It puts the Gold Bond on, or it gets the hose."

Note: if you've never put Gold Bond on the old groin before a game, you're missing out. 50% less ball sweat, guaranteed.


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