Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I've got a puzzle for O-S-U
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-da-dee
If they are wise, they'll read 54b's
Who do you blame when your team is no good?
Blocking and tackling like a little girl would
Blaming the coach for a loss is so lame
They know exactly who's to blame
The offense and the defense
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
If you don't fumble, you will go far
You could play competitive too
Like the Texas Longhorns doom-pa-dee-do
Thank the scheduling gods for Oklahoma State. If Texas plays a team with a decent offense, the issue may have been in doubt a lot longer than it was. With the Horns down 10 and the Cowboys driving again, I did the only thing any true Texas fan would do, I left and went to the bathroom to take a whiz in lucky trough #3. Hey, what can I say, it works. No sooner had I tapped 3 times and made a wish, than Nathan Vasher intercepted one of Pogi's passes and the Longhorns were back in business. True story. I got back to my seat just in time to catch the latter half of the Cedric Benson show and what would be the first of many second quarter scores, 31 points in all. Not too shabby. Okay, I'll admit it, my fortuitous deposit in the Lewis Field latrine probably had nothing to do with Texas' turn-a-round. And let's face it, that "S" in OSU might as well stand for "Sucks" because the Cowboys are horrible and probably spent most of half-time looking at the calendar and circling the Baylor game. And though a win over OSU doesn't do a thing to appease the hurt unleashed upon on us by their Norman neighbors, give Chris Simms and company credit for bouncing back with a decisive victory. Simms had 5 TD passes (two to Roy, two to Sloan) and Benson added a 131-yard rushing day to boot. All and all, I'd say it was a good start to the rest of the season and to my trip to....
Somewhere in the middle of Oklahoma, near the official resting place of Gene Autry's horse and just down the road from the Sod Buster Hall of Fame, is the little town of Stillwater, home to Oklahoma State University and some of the nicest people I've ever met. Maybe a little too nice. In fact, my friend Nad, of tailgating fame, and I walked into Eskimo Joe's before the game regaled in burnt orange and fully expecting a less than exuberant response from the locals. Instead, a couple of good ol' boys at the bar ushered us over and said "hey, good effort last week against the Sooners, you're gonna kick our ass today and let us buy you guys a couple of beers." Surprised to say the least, I wouldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet. After swapping a couple of stories we finished the beers and headed for the game....Lewis Field is probably a lot like your high school football stadium and probably twice as old. The concrete foundation looks like it's about to crumble, the graffiti above the urinals is written in cuneiform and there are so many exposed rusty pipes that they give you a free tetanus shot with every purchase of a hot dog or large soft drink. Speaking of food, no trip to Lewis Field is complete without trying a Turkey Leg. They're about the size of a tennis racket and look like something Fred Flintstone would order. So at half-time Nad and I partook and went back to our seats to locate the inner carnivore within all of us. I even told the girl sitting behind me that I was eating her little brother's leg and she'd be next if she didn't quit kicking the bleachers. I think she got the point. Tears looked real enough any way. Ahh hell, couple of years in therapy and she'll be fine, might even laugh about it some day. Anyway, before we knew it the game was over and the Longhorn players were assembling in front of us and singing the "Eyes of Texas."....Afterwards we headed back to Eskimo Joe's for what would end up being about an 8-hour ordeal. It was packed and we found a place up stairs under the infamous "Joe Dome". The dome is a retractable roof, like Enron Field down in Houston, only smaller. It's pretty cool and quite amusing to watch them retract it, but not as amusing as asking the waitress if she knew she was working in a topless joint. Somehow that was a lot funnier on Saturday...while waiting for a table, we ran into Sean and Josh, also of San Jacinto and 18th street fame, and we devised a plan to extricate a family of five from the premises without incident. Using a strictly covert two-by-two formation we inconspicuously loitered next to their table dropping the inordinate F-bomb every few seconds or so. This tactic, while highly inappropriate and extremely unfortunate, is quite effective with the 30-somthing, overprotective mother and by the time their cheesefries and Shirley Temple's showed up, they were begging for the check. Mission accomplished....Now seated in sight of two well placed television sets, we hunkered down for the long hall. Cheesefries, beer, cheesefries, beer and so on. The waitress asked Sean why he wasn't eating and he said something about not taking a bath before sundown. I'm not exactly sure what he was talking about, but it seemed to peak the interests of our less informed neighbors sitting to our right and they began to mumble under their breath. So when Sean excused himself to go phone God (take a wee-wee), we took the opportunity to tell the Pat Buchanon fan club that we were on a mission trip for "Jews for Jesus". And even though we probably only added to their ignorance with our religious fallacies, the fact that our beer somehow multiplied from one cup to eight pitchers could surely be deemed nothing short of miraculous. And if it couldn't, the fact that our tab was less than $20 a man certainly could. Good times. If you ever find yourself in those parts, I highly recommend you stop by. T-shirt not included.
Colorado/Texas. Battle of the hooven quadrupeds or more specifically, Ralphie versus Bevo - to see who's going to be king of the pasture and who's going to be "Le Boef du Jour" down at the Salt Lick. Both teams are playing well as of late and despite an early season setback against Fresno State, the Buffs have come back to win 5 straight including a win over K-State in Manhattan. Colorado sports a quality defense and their offense features a legitimate running game and a much improved passing game thanks to sophomore QB Craig Ochs. However, Texas is still playing inspired ball and playing at home is certainly a plus. The key to victory this year is the same as it was last year, defense. Even after the overwhelming loss to OU last year, the Texas defense came out and just beat the Buffaloes silly for four quarters. In fact the only two scores CU got all day were because of Texas turnovers. This year's defense is playing even better and I'd match them against anybody in the country right now. And even with their patented slow start, Simms and company should be rolling long before Colorado does any serious damage to the scoreboard. Speaking of the score, what's the....
"Long Horn no smok'em peace pipe with Tatonka. Tatonka scared. Tatonka run away. Long Horn just stand there, take big crap. Tatonka no where hide. Long Horn get mad. Fire cannon. No more Tatonka."
Texas 42, CU 14
TAILGATE UPDATE w/Nad E. Lite
We'll be tailgating (if you grill it, they will come) before the game same as usual (fear change) with brisket and beer (libatious cyst). ABC (Whoa-Nelly) picked up the game and it starts around 2:30 (see you at CU) . After the game, there's an alumni party (kiss my ass) at the ATO house (non-smoking I hope) with live music (play some Skynard), fajita buffet, and free beer ("thanks Giant beer"). Donations are welcome ("we need the dues").
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Eskimo Joe's Bar, going on our 7th hour there...."Okay guys, that's a pitcher of Coors Lite, a pitcher of Rolling Rock and an order of chili cheesefries with ranch dressing on the side. Will there be anything else?" - Very Tired Barmaid
"Yeah, we need some more of those plastic cups. Some napkins. A spoon. And a fat chick." - Four guys who will remain nameless, but not blameless.