Texas 42, Texas Tech 7

This is 1340 KKAM - Lubbock SportsTalk radio. We now join the Texas

Tech post game show in progress...

"Shooter Johnson back with ya and joining me on CoachSpeak is Red Raider head coach Mike Lush."

"That's Leach you (beep)hole"

"Pardon me, he-he, uh, well coach, that was quite a drowner, I mean downer you had tonight."

"Yes, it was. I thought the boys played hard, but couldn't come up with the big plays when we needed them. I still don't give Texas any credit and that Quentin Jammer can kiss my ass. How's that for decent?"

"I wouldn't know. Anyway, you went for it on 4th down a lot tonight. You always double down with 7 showing?"

"Listen up. Kliff Kingsberry is the greatest quarterback never to complete a pass for more than 5 yards. Kliff Kingsberry deserves more coverage and you media types are always over there kissin' Chris Simms'ass and putting him in your magazines and papers. It just ain't fair."

"Uh-huh, yeah, Dingleberry who, you say something? Forget it, let's take another high-ball, I mean call. JimmyJoe in Sweetwater, you're on wit the coach" -

"Uh yeah, Coach Leach, um, I've got two questions. First, why did you abandon the running game so early and secondly, um, can you touch your nose right now?"

"Listen you little punk, you try leaving Bob Stoops and the number one team in the country to come take some two-bit coaching job in this god-forsaken hell hole. I'd like to see how you handle it."

"Speaking of handles, let's pause for a second to see some, I mean station identification and this announcement from our friends at the Liquor Emporium...."

"....all right, we're back with Coach Leach on HoochSpeak, I mean CoachSpeak 1340AM. Next chaser. I mean caller. BettyLou on line 2, you're on wit the coach" -

"Hi Coach Leach, I just wanted you to know that me and all the ladies down at Bob's Gun & Bingo Club have been behind you all the way. You giv'em hell, ya hear."

"Well that's very nice BettyLou. You got a question for me?"

"Sure do coach. If it's not too much trouble. Could you maybe try not to hit our trash cans again when you come home tonight? My husband, he can't pick'em up anymore on account of his hernia actin' up and all. You know how it is with these things...."

"That's it, I'm outa here."

"Well I guess that wraps up another round of CoachSpeak, I'm Shooter Johnson reminding you to drink when you think. Sobriety is an accident just waiting to happen, I mean, ah hell, I don't know, shit....." - OFF

THE GAME

After four quarters of hearing the guy behind me yell "Hey Mike Leach, I bet you a case of beer you won't go for it", and watching Texas Tech fail on four out of six 4th down conversions, I began to truly understand why doctors call alcoholism a disease. You'd have to be sick (or shit faced) to pass up sure points and momentum with a field goal at the end of the first half and then on 4th and forever in the 3rd, send your wide receiver on a suicide mission into Texas' restricted air space. Vasher hit Carlos Francis so hard on that fake punt, he had to have his jock sent back to him FedEx. And, in case you're wondering what all this "Hooch Speak" is about, Tech launched an FBI investigation into Leach's private life after some donors accused him of showing up to fundraisers intoxicated. The inquiry however, came back inconclusive. In other words, they said he was just sleepy. But, after watching Tech's play calling, I'd say somebody's been spiking the gatorade if you know what I mean. Regardless, it was going to take a lot more than firewater to beat Texas last weekend.

Speaking of doctors, I could have sworn I was watching Chris Simms performing surgery Saturday night. The last time I saw that much precision and accuracy, I was watching a brain surgeon on the Discovery Channel. He picked apart the Tech Defense like he was playing "Operation." Yeah, the one with the buzzer. Anyway, outstanding game for Doogy Howser, QB. And as a complement to the 240-yard passing day, Ivan Williams and Cedric Benson combined for another 200-plus in rushing. Now that's the kind of balance Leach could use when he's walking the line for Lubbock's finest. Other than that, I thought the defense did what they had to do. The lone Red Raider touchdown run was more of a fluke than anything. Carl Reese bet it all, sending everyone to the line and lost. Nine out of ten times that would have worked. Credit Ricky Williams for making a great play. With some more highlights, here's this week's edition of....

STATOOS (Stats that stick)

1) Beau Trahan - 6 solo tackles - That's more tackles than most of the guys on the Texas defense registered for the whole game. Trahan only plays Special Teams, kick off and punt cover. That's unbelievable!

2) Chris Simms - 10 for 10 on his first 10 passes. Yep, that'll work.

3) Dusty Mangum - 0 for 2 on his last two field goal attempts. Well, this is a hell of time for the walk-on to be coming down with a case of nerves. Especially when you think about how important he's probably going to be in the....

NEXT GAME

Texas vs. OU. Battle of the undefeateds. #5 and #3. The Cottonbowl.

Dallas, Texas. Let's get ready to rumble!!! Strap it on boys and girls, because all eyes are going to be on Big D and the Red River Shootout this weekend. We've waited almost 20 years for this game. Not since 1984 have the two teams been this highly ranked going into the annual contest, and with so much on the line. The line by the way is Texas by 3, and that's probably because we have more money to bet with. Regardless, this should be one for the ages. Texas' newly gelled, high powered offense vs. OU's vaunted defense. OU's spread offense vs Quentin Jammer and the Texas DB's. Roy Williams vs. um, Roy Williams. Return specialist Nathan Vasher vs Antwon Savage. Everything and everyone is relevant. You really can throw the records and the rankings out for this one. This game won't be decided by one or two big plays, more like a dozen. There are going to be so many momentum switches, Lance Armstrong will get tired just watching the game. And even though most of the rides will be located outside the stadium, I guarantee you'll find the roller coaster in it. The weather's been predicted as, oh, perfect. The teams are undefeated. The players are ready. The only thing left is the wait. Can you hear my heart beat?

KEYS TO THE GAME

1) TURNOVERS, and I ain't talking about prison mate reunions here. OU has prospered off of opening Christmas presents early all year. You give them the ball, you give them the game. Interceptions, fumbles, blocked punts - can't happen, especially in the first quarter.

2) NO 3 AND OUTS - Texas has got to keep the ball away from OU's offense. How do they do that? Ivan Williams, 25 touches minimum. Texas was able to get out of the gate quickly for the first time against Tech, let's hope that trend continues.

3) WILL THE REAL ROY WILLIAMS PLEASE STAND UP - Who's the man? Texas' Roy or OU's Roy. Texas got its Roy Williams in the game early against

Tech, it will be imperative that they do it again this week. Look for Texas to run Roy on the reverse early. If Roy decides to be a primadonna like in the past and take plays off, expect OU's Roy Williams to have a career day.

4) STUFF THE OOMPA-LOOMPA - Quentin Griffith had six touchdowns against Texas last year. That's ridiculous. We have to unbalance their offense. If OU can't run the ball, they'll be forced to throw and we can stop them with the 3-4 defense that forced Mike Leach to fall off the wagon.

5) REDUCE HYBL TO DRIBBLE - Kansas State knocked him silly. Texas needs to knock him out. Carl Reese ought to blitz him six ways to Sunday. I want to see so many snot bubbles coming out of that boy that by the end of the game, he'll be wiping his ass and blowing his nose at the same time. Texas has got to let him know that his ass kickin' is going to be an all day affair. Again, the first quarter is crucial. If Texas can accomplish these five things, I believe they'll win. If not, it could be another long day at the Cottonbowl. But enough of this paralysis from analysis, it's time for the....

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

"Point of parliamentary procedure Mr. Sooner. I have just a few questions. What were the Houston Cougars ranked in 1990 when Texas shocked the nation? In 1996, an unranked Longhorn squad put the nation on notice by beating Nebraska in the first ever Big XII Championship. They came knocking again in 1998, and again the Horns dispatched a powerful Cornhusker team down in Austin. Care to guess what the Huskers AP pole position was on both those occasions? What's the matter, can't handle the truth? Well Mr. Sooner, do you know, do you know, do you know? Well have I got a clue for you. All those teams were ranked at the same Top 25 address you presently reside at. That's right Sooner boy, #3 Loser Street. La-hooo-zaaa-her."

TEXAS 38, OU 34 (Just win baby, just win!)

TAILGATE UPDATE w/ Nad E. Lite

Seeing how there's not so much need for a tailgate (what-you-talkin'-'bout Willis?) when there's a state fair ("Look kids, Carnies") going on, you're on your own this week ("no cotton candy 'til you done finished yur candy corn?"). But here's a few tips (observations really) just in case:

GET TO THE FAIRGROUNDS EARLY (like Tuesday). And save the bloody mary brunches for Sunday (before church).

PARKING. The Cotton Bowl is not exactly located in the nicest of neighborhoods ("pardon me homes"). And even though the man with the cardboard sign (What is "rib tips"?) dressed in the shark skin suit with the feather in his cap claims to be a respectable business man (too legit to quit), I don't recommend you parking in his front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass"). Find a paved parking lot (long term, DFW) or take a cab.

NO WALLETS, NO PURSES. Get a money clip (paper clip) for your driver's license, date's DL (she said she was 18), cash, credit card and tickets. Then put it all in your front pocket (next to the gummy bears).

COUPON TICKETS. Find a coupon gazebo (ticket nazi) immediately upon arrival and however many tickets you think you should buy, double that.

Coupons are the state fair's elaborate little scheme (grassy knoll) to try and hide the fact that you just spent $12 on a corndog (oh soooo good) and a beer.

GET TO THE GAME EARLY. Find the gate number (your age minus beers consumed) on your ticket and enter that gate. The corridors of the Cotton Bowl are extremely narrow (Moooooo!) and when they fill up, they're worse than a junior high hallway after the lunch bell rings (hall rage).

FORGET THE FLASK. I know, it's a right of passage ("good talk Russ"). But with security guards (hey tough guy) at all the gates with magnetic wands (use the force) and frisky hands (Is that a corndog in your pocket...), it's not worth blowing all that cash (bling-bling) on tickets just to watch the game with the boys downtown (jailgate). If spirits (oh Captain, my Morgan) are a must, then replace it with the cleaning solution in your contact lens bottle. (Artistic credit to Shane "dry eyes" Attaway.)

DON'T MEET AT BIG TEX. Designate a meeting spot (Aint nothin' but a G thang) for your group before you get drunk and disoriented (Scout master Bob's missing and my butt hurts). And I repeat, Big Tex is NOT a good place to meet. There are many other viable landmarks (how 'bout Uranus) to choose from.

Add suntan lotion and adhere to these six simple edicts and as they say, the rest is up to you.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"The commentators got on Nathan (Vasher) for celebrating while the guy (Carlos Francis) was down, but all of his dancing happened immediately after the play and I don't think you can fault Vasher. They (players) are trained to kill people and it is an emotional game. When you do kill a guy, you dance first and ask questions later."