Texas 44, North Carolina 14

To commemorate the win over the "Tar" Heels and another victory for lefty Chris Simms, here's:

Song of the South(paw)

Zip-a-dee doo-dah, Zip-a-dee hey.

My, my, my, what a lopsided game!

Plenty of Vasher, running all day;

Wonderful Defense, Offense was lame.

Mr. Mack Brown on the sideline.

It's Simms, it's scary.

Everything ain't satisfact'ry.

Zip-a-dee doo-dah, Zip-a-dee hey.

Applewhite's feeling, left out in the rain.

THE GAME

Well let's just hope Mack Brown was pulling a Bre'r Rabbit and not a Bre'r Bear by limiting his offensive schemes so as not to show his true hand to future opponents, and more specifically OU. No doubt the Sooner defense will be the biggest briar patch Texas has seen by far. Hopefully Mack knows what he's doing and Texas doesn't get stuck. Regardless, it was still more than enough to beat North Carolina's football team and from what I could tell, basketball team too. It was all power forward Julius Peppers and point guard Donald Curry could do to keep the reeling Tar Heels in the game. The Horns wrap up an otherwise dismal game with a story book ending 44-14 whipping of the Tar Heels on Cole Pittman Day.

DEFENSE

Cory Redding, Derrick Johnson and Quentin Jammer - the good, the bad-ass and the ugly. Cory gets a pic and a flip for Texas' first score. Now that's an athlete. I saw Jeter, a LB for Texas, do it against Oregon back in the early 90's. Both times it sent the crowd into a hysteria. And it's a damn lot of fun to watch.

DJ, the true frosh got off. All I can say is if opposing offenses are keying on DD Lewis, they won't be doing that for long. The kid plays sideline to sideline like a pinball in bonus play. He's all over the place. His sack late in the game would have made Ike Turner blush. He hit Donald Curry in the back so hard I could smell the stank in the stands. DJ was halfway to the sideline celebrating before he realized he had jarred the ball loose. You can be sure the coaches are going to have a field day with his ass in film session.

Q. Jammer got a big, fat mouthful of humble pie on NC's only real scoring drive of the game. Before the season started, he told reporters that no one would get more than 50 yards in receiving on him all year. Well NC almost got it on one drive. He did atone for himself later with a Thorpe inspired effort in which he went perpendicular to the ground to intercept a pass early in the second half. Hopefully his lesson in humility and return to glory helps him to re-focus. I think he may have read too many of those articles. One player you probably haven't read a lot about is Rod Babers. He played some of the best corner I've seen in a long time running step for step with those NC wideouts. It's no coincidence that teams are trying to beat Texas with the deep sideline route. They were burnt (rock me) several times with it last year.

OFFENSE

After reconfiguring the Pythagorean theorem, disproving Newton's second law of motion, and consulting my Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pin, I have come up with a new theory as to why the Texas Offense doesn't seem to be operating on all cylinders. I call it: Postulate 54Biorhythms. It states in no "certain" terms that when the defense and the special Teams are playing well above normal, the Offensive output will fall off. Call it the Law of 3's, Occham's Disposable Razor or what you will, but I believe the offense hasn't shown up yet, simply because they haven't had too. With the defense and special teams constantly scoring and creating short field situations for the offense, how is Chris Simms supposed to get into a rhythm? The answer, he can't. Think about that until your head hurts, then count to 3 and say damn he’s full of it.

SPECIAL TEAMS - Those of you who have read the commentary over the past few years know that no one's been harder on special teams than I have. In my mind, special teams have accounted for at least half of the Longhorns' losses in the Mack Brown era - punting to David Allen of K-State in '99, the phantom touch that lead to a fumble lost on punt return at A&M in '99, the blocked punt returned for a score at Stanford last year and who could forget the fiasco against NC State (still have yet to get over that one). So let me be the first to give them some much needed recognition where it's due. Despite a muffed punt return that lead to an NC score, record setter Nathan Vasher looked unstoppable. If you ever want to see a text book punt return, watch how Texas sets up the "wall" on Vasher's two long punt returns. There are some sensational knock back blocks and you just had to play football some time in your life to appreciate the amount of discipline it takes to run that return scheme to perfection. Special Teams have definitely come a long way. And how about Walk-on kicker Dusty Mangum, 50 yards into the wind. Even Phil Dawson can't argue with that.

"NAUGHTY BABY DID A NO-NO"

"Back-up Street Boy" and scholarship kicker Matt McFadden was arrested for taking some compromising photos of an underage girl that were circulating around Coppell High School. He has since left the team for personal reasons. Yeah, personal like a cavity search down at County.

QUICK HITS

44 points on Cole Pittman Day. Oliver Stone, eat your heart out. Good luck to Cole's family. I hope they found some sense of comfort in the arms of 84,000 fans.

Senior Wide Receiver Montrell Flowers' football career ended after he sustained a lacerated kidney during the NC game. What's even more amazing is that after getting a CT scan, Doctors noticed that Montrell was born with only one kidney. To put it mildly, playing football with only one kidney is a little like playing Russian Roulette every time you step on the field.

"....I look for them to make a game of it early, but start to fade by the 3rd quarter" Call me 54Beelzabub and never doubt my powers again. All right, I pulled that prediction out my ass, but you've got to admit it was pretty damn good for a guy who couldn't pick out a pair of clothes that matched at the GAP.

NEXT GAME

On my way to download the Houston Cougar playbook off of Questia.com, I noticed that Texas was a 30-1/2 point favorite. So I thought better of myself and decided to spend my time more destructively by declaring war on the ecosystem in my belly button. Well, with the lent farmers on the run and my navel neutralized, what do you say we get back to the game at hand. You want to see offense, then this is the game. Look for Chris Simms to get some much needed space away from the Memorial syndrome while on the road in Houston. With Montrel on the shelf with a lacerated kidney, I look for "go big" Roy and the super sophs to have a big game. We may even see the emergence of the tight end finally. Again, Ivan Williams and Cedric Benson will split time at running back. Should be over before it starts.

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

After Tropical Storm Simms rains all over a depleted Houston Defense,

the Cougars will be about as harmful as Mr. Bigglesworth.

TAILGATE UPDATE w/ Nad E. Lite

Due to the economic conditions ("noticing all this plight kids?") surrounding the University of Houston campus (5th Ward), tailgating is not suggested and should be done at your own risk ("roll 'em up").

UNFORTUNATELY, this is the only game I will not be able to attend this year. But as we were reminded so tragically last week, in life, there are many things more important than football, like the wedding of a close friend. For those of you who are going, have fun and give 'em hell. I believe Paul Moorman may have a small tailgate set up right outside the stadium.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I had an interesting thought. No one ever flew an airplane into Transalvania while Vlad the Impaler was in control. We should take a cue from him. When we get Bin Laden, we should shove a 10 foot stake up his ass and stand it up in the ground on the White House lawn. It should take a couple of days for the pole to work its way all the way through him as his body weight and gravity pull him down. We would then leave it there as a sign to other terrorists."