Texas 49, Baylor 10

Every team has a favorite call when they need to make something happen on offense, a "bread and butter" play if you will. Nebraska lives and dies by the option, OU likes to run the draw out of the shotgun formation and of late, the Longhorns have opted for the shovel pass. As for the the Bears, it's hard to know for sure, but I think I've got it narrowed down to....

BAYLOR'S TOP 10 PLAY-CALLS

10. Taking a knee to run the clock out at the end of the 1st quarter.

9. The option out of an empty backfield set.

8. Student body left (the stadium).

7. Playing opossum.

6. The intentional fumble (avoid the sack).

5. Taking a safety to pad the punting stats.

4. Faking the extra point attempt with a pooch punt.

3. Snapping the ball directly to the back judge.

2. Calling a time-out to ice the other team's punter.

and the #1 play-call for the Baylor Bears....

1. The Prevent Offense.

THE GAME

We came, we saw, we kicked their ass. That about covers it.

FANDEMONIUM

Nothing beats going to an away game, sitting amongst a bunch of hometown fans and watching the Horns kick the crap out of their team. This may be sacrilegious, but in a sadistic sort of way, I'm actually beginning to enjoy road games more than I do home games. So when the schedule called for Waco, I said why not. And who better to walk through the valley of the shadow of Dairy Queen, than Mark "so's my" Johnson and the great Gordy "uncomfortable" Paez. With Mark's SUV pointed due south and a steady wind out our stern, we made the hour long trip in just under three, stopping to pick up some essentials (Lone Star beer, Czech Stop Koloches and Funyons). We also stopped to take pictures of wildflowers and to take some pictures of me peeing on said wildflowers. I'm sure I'll be featured in Lady Bird Johnson next book. But I digress...once we reached Waco we crossed the historically insignificant Brazos river and headed down 17th street towards Floyd Casey. Once we got close we found a nice urbanite selling tickets. He asked us if we wanted to sit on the 40 yard line. We said sure and promptly bought his tickets for just over face value. They were in section TT and they might as well have been in section FU because when we reached the stadium we noticed something a bit off, our seats were on the goal line. We were pissed, but not that pissed, because what do you really expect in the realm of ethical business practices from a man who wears Puma's with no shoe laces and probably thinks the alphabet was a sitcom about a sarcastic space alien who liked to play the ponies. Again, I digress....well situated amongst several Horns fans, I thought our chances of getting some serious face time with the opposition were getting sparse. However, midway through the first quarter, a whole family of Baylor fans, covered head to foot with green and gold, came up and to sit with some grandparents (Horns fans) in front of us. Hell, they even had an extra T-Shirt for gramps. But much to their dismay, he wouldn't put it on and promptly sat on it for the remainder of the game. We were so proud, Mark even bought a Corndog for the old man, or was it for his 18 year old freshman granddaughter, I can't remember. Either way, everything was going peaceful until we started dropping a series of inflammatory puns. Phrases such as "they BEARly missed that field goal" and "4th down for Baylor, I can't BEAR to watch" were lobbed like grenades at the unsuspecting Baylor fans in front of us, each worse than the last. And though I was just innocently trying to learn a little more about Baylor University, looking back, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to ask the eldest daughter, "do you actually lock the doors at a Lock-in" and "how many ice-cream socials had she been to." Well, it seemed funny at the time anyway and what else were we to do for entertainment, watch the football game. Please!

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Look, we can't bury our heads in the sand and pretend like problems don't exist. We can't be afraid to talk about these things; I don't want the subject to be taboo. I know, I know, we all want to say, "It can't happen to us." "Those are other teams problems." "The other kids in the conference do it but not our kids. "But problems don't just go away by ignoring them. I bet we all experimented with tearing down goal posts when we were 18, or at least thought about it. It didn't make us bad, but we need to let our kids know that it is not acceptable. One day it's harmless rioting after beating North Texas, and the next thing you know it's 7 years later and that wide-eyed innocent freshman is now a Red Raider Senior carrying a portion of a goal post down to the field with his face painted and a big foam finger on his hand. Where does it end?

(Editor's note: for those of you who live in a vacuum, after the A&M/Tech game, students from Texas Tech stormed the field, tore down the goal post despite police protection and carried the dislodged apparatus over to where the Aggie fans were sitting and tried to dump it on them. While somewhat amusing, it's just one more reason people have absolutely no respect for Tech.)

NEXT GAME

Extra! Extra! Read all about it. Kansas fires head football coach Terry Allen. He's gone and one of his assistants has taken over. A mid-season termination of a head coach usually effects a team in one of two ways; either the players rally behind the new coach and give an extra effort or they lose confidence all together and quit (see the Boston Red Sox). In this case, I'm not sure it really matters. Expect the Jayhawks to have their quarterback, who plays more like a running back, line up in the shot gun formation and let him improvise. His first option will probably be to hesitate, let the pocket break down and then try to run with the ball. If the running lanes remain closed, he'll probably look for a dump pass to the running back or throw it out of bounds. Look for a lot of delayed draw plays up the middle a la Missouri. Regardless of what convoluted offense Kansas runs or who's coaching them, Texas should have this game in hand shortly after kick-off. But don't take it from me, take it from the....

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

It'll take a lot more than a pair of ruby reeboks for the Jayhawks to get back to Kansas alive. Texas 56, KU 7

TAILGATE UPDATE w/ Nad E. Lite

We (Nad and the Vandellas) will probably have another 8AM Bloody Mary Morning (part of this balanced breakfast) mixed in with some Tequila Sunrises (umbrella sold separately) and Screwdrivers (OJ sure did). The tailgate will be all out ("my antiperspirant gives 110%") for the last home game and we'll have plenty of food ("save the neck for me Clark"). My friends (at the NRA) need to get rid of everything (destroy the evidence) they killed last weekend (endangered Jayhawk). We'll have lots of dove (you shot an ice-cream bar?) and venison (Bambi jerkey). The game starts at 11:30am (make it half past eleven), so get there early (get the worm). Same place as always ("in a van down by the river") and don't forget, it's BYOB (buy your own beer ya jack ass).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Everyone always says you have to try the Koloches at the Czech Stop just north of Waco. Now I guess I know why....

Cashier: "Would you like to try one of our new Spicy Hot Chubbies?"

54b: "Our new what?"

Cashier: "Spicy Hot Chubbies. They're sausage, pork and cheese in a bun. Would you like to try one?"

54b: "I guess."

Cashier: "Would you like me to warm that up for ya?"

54b: "Uhhh, okay."

Cashier: "Okay then, that'll be one warm chubby coming up."