8.31.2003

Texas 66, New Mexico State 7

"i came early"

by 54beatnik

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed late,

heard the Horns stampede in the smoke,

and thought, yeah, we're awesome, we're great.

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed late,

watched the Horns go down by seven in the first,

and thought, surely, there must be some mistake

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed late,

saw Selvin take a pair back to the house,

and thought, Benson, you could be replaced

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed late,

arose to my feet when Vincent entered the game,

and thought, wow, this kid's really first rate

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed late,

decided that this was going to be our year,

and thought, finally, New Orleans, it's fate

i came early, i wore orange,

was LOUD and even stayed Late,

but then I remembered who we were playing,

and thought, ah sh*t, it's only new mexico state

TEXAS, WHERE 66-7 AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH

You know you bleed burnt-orange when you can find something to complain about after watching the Horns wax some BCS-undesirable by 59..."No wonder we looked good in practice, our offense still can't run the ball and our defense still can't stop it. Benson couldn't hold onto the football if it smelled like Taco Bell. Mock still thinks he's back in The Woodlands playing smear the queer. Roy's celebrating taking an Oompa-Loompa deep and V-Y wants to have a block party just because he got a 1st down. La-tee-freakin'-da..."

Admittedly, I too was shaking my head last Sunday night as I walked out of The House that Royal built and Jamail paid for, but thankfully I came to my senses (damn sobriety) over a dozen tortillas and some queso from TC's. Hey, it's only the first game. The first team offense only took about 30 snaps because the defense and special teams were scoring so often the cheerleaders started doing jumping jacks instead of back-flips. Take it for what it was worth, a cheap win and an easy tune-up for the season ahead. On a positive note, no one got seriously injured, Vincent Young got some PT and the coaches found some weaknesses to work on before the...

NEXT GAME

Take the fanaticism of an Aggie, the disrespectfulness of a Red Raider and the obnoxiousness of a Sooner, multiply it by 10 and then add in the ever-popular Jerry Springer, doublewide cohabitatin', sister-lovin', anti-freeze drinkin', Dooly drivin', Deliverance butt-crack factor and you'll come up with an Arkansas Razorback. Besides leading the nation in the spread of rickets, these people may be the worst fans in all of college football. If you were at the Cotton Bowl a few years back, you know what I'm talking about. As for their team, hard to tell. They're primarily focused on the running game, neither of their co-starting QB's can throw that well and their defense loves to blitz all game long. That's about all I know or care to know. Regardless, I don't see Texas having too much trouble with the Hogs at home. But don't take my word for it, check out the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Oh yeah, I think it's time for the perfect cheer -

"Hey Razorbacks, go back, go back, go back to your hut, your team really sucks and your coach IS a Nutt."

Bevo 44, Swine 14

TAILGATE UPDATE

Last Sunday (on the 7th day, NMSU rested), Whittemore and the gang (Meaty-Cheesy Boys) cooked up over 160-pounds of fajita meat (where's the Beef?) complete with rice and refried beans (fart twice as much) and tapped four kegs of Dos Equis (mmm, Special Lager) all courtesy of El Arroyo (what can Brown do for you?). Next Saturday (lucky number 13), kick-off for the Arkansas game (Hogskin Classic) is at 11am and the tailgate (sunrise service) will get going about 8am (kegs and eggs). So get down there early (Tivo the Smurfs), bring a few extra beers ("you look like you could use one, now you're talkin'") and don't forget to cough up a couple of bucks ("I want my two dollars!") to help pay off the parking tax collectors ("here's $10, go get yourself a tie and a nice piece of ass").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"The offense can't get it done, you got to get it done." - Roy Williams to

the Longhorns Kick-off return team seconds before Selvin Young scored on a 96-yard return

BYE-WEEK

Surprisingly, people have actually sent me some messages expressing disappointment because there was no commentary this week despite the fact that our beloved Longhorns didn't even play a game last Saturday (unfortunately, neither did Florida, Washington State, nor Alabama).

But don't you worry, I found an outlet for my rhetorical hostility and another excuse for you to waste time at work...

NERDS GONE WILD

Evidently last Fall, the Showtime Channel followed a group of University of Texas freshman around as they tried to navigate their way through some very predictable trials and tribulations which transpired during their first year at college. Not a completely meritless endeavor, but after watching the first episode of Showtime's reality series "Freshman Diaries," will somebody please explain to me (with all of UT's stringent new admissions standards) how Showtime ended up with a group of underachievers who can best be described as "Nerds Gone Wild."

In the first installment, we’re introduced to a young female student who is having trouble telling her overprotective father that she'd rather be a drama major than remain in her current curriculum of computer science. Let's see here, do you want to spend the next thirty years of your life downloading porn or starring in it? Not a tough call. And even though our aspiring (B-Movie) actress can't seem to confront her myopic father, she somehow musters the strength to get sh*t-faced and rant pathetically about her "tragic" dilemma to the camera. Call it a hunch, but I think dear old dad will get the message, along with a few other phone calls asking him to explain why he and his 18 year old daughter spend so much time sitting in the Barcalounger together. It's bad enough with Arkansas fans coming to Austin, why did they have to go and encourage them?

And then, as if that wasn't riveting enough for you, the show then cuts over to the misadventures of a young gay man who is perplexed because he can't decide whether or not he wants to play "Marco-Polo" with a horny coed in the dorm swimming pool. Wow, talk about your "Who's Who," maybe on the next episode our friends at Showtime will spotlight something really hard-hitting like what happens when the kid with the learning disability tries to tap a keg.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm all for diversity, but if UT is going to live up to its catchphrase "We're Texas," then Showtime better find some Longhorns of real interest or the last words on this video diary are going to be "We're Tools."

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