9.20.2003

Texas 48, Rice 7

As many of you know, the Longhorns, lead by Roy "run the table" Williams, decided not to talk to the media last week so they could concentrate on Rice (which tantamount to you and me saying "I don't want to go out drinking tonight because I'm playing golf tomorrow.") Absurd though it seemed, all the players participated in the speech embargo forcing me, 54b, to postpone my VH-1 "Behind the facemask" interview with Cedric Benson at which time I would have asked several hard hitting questions like "What is it like having to use a safety pin to wear Ricky Williams' jock" and "What's the secret ingredient in these delicious brownies?" Alas, it was not meant to be, but a good reporter always gets the story and this week is no exception. Even though the players weren't talking, the staff was...here is my interview with Chet "the drip" Peterman, an undeclared Sophomore and volunteer member of UT's football support staff...

"WELCOME BACK TO INSIDE TEXAS FOOTBALL"

54b: All-righty then. Chet, when did you know "waterboying" was for you?

CHET: Um, you're supposed to say Hydration Specialist.

54b: Okay. So what made you want to get into that?

CHET: Well, my dad's a plumber, so you know...

54b: Really. So what would you say is the hardest part about being a waterboy?

CHET: Probably stacking the cups. Most of the time I just stack them in a box formation, but on game-days, I like to do a pyramid design. It looks really cool, but then the players come in and knock it down. But I don't mind.

54b: Good times. Let's talk football. Would you say the Texas defense has looked more like a sieve or a leaky bucket this year?

CHET: I don't know, but yesterday at practice, the defense drank more water than the offense. I know because I'm in charge of refilling the water bottles.

54b: Outstanding. Your thoughts on Mack Brown thus far: Orange Jesus or Orange Julius?

CHET: I like the orange Gatorade.

54b: Solid. Who do you think should be starting at QB: Mock or Young?

CHET: Well Chance is really nice. He knows my name sometimes. But I like to be Vincent on my PlayStation.

54b: Who doesn't? Do you think the running game will get back on track this weekend against a diminutive Rice defense?

CHET: We got a Rice helmet in our equipment room. It's blue and it's got these big wings on it. I guess it's because they're the Owls.

54b: Fascinating. Last question, why do the players call you "the drip?"

Chet: Well, I wanted them to call me ESPN-H2O, see, I even wrote it on my shoes. You know, kind of like Vasher is ESPN3. But they just call me "the drip."

54b: Yeah, kids can be cruel. Oh well, thanks for your time and have fun in Houston at the Rice game.

Chet: Oh, I'm not going, they don't let everybody go on road trips.

54b: I know the feeling. Well there you have it folks. This has been 54b with Inside Texas football. Join me next time when I talk with Trung Fu, the fastest ankle taper in the training room.

RICE PUDDING

I hate to say it, but I miss the Rice teams from the days of the Southwest Conference. True, watching Rice’s triple-option was like getting a root canal from “the Nanny,” but from what I remember, the Owls of old would play Texas hard for at least the first two quarters and then challenge the Longhorns to a spelling bee at halftime. The Rice team we saw last Saturday night looked hopelessly overmatched from the get-go and couldn’t spell relief if you spotted them a Rolaids. Texas needed a challenge to get back on track, what they got was a scrimmage against Vienna Boys Choir and a false sense of security. How typical of a Texan fan to find something to complain about after a 48-7 thrashing by the boys in burnt orange, but I can’t help but think the Horns are still exhibiting the same symptoms from before and Rice was nothing more than a placebo.

Despite running for 130 yards against an Owl defense that couldn't earn a letter in Girls Lacrosse, Benson still looked tentative when hitting the holes. The play selection was predictable as usual and we’re getting to the point where if Mack actually decides to punt the ball on the 4th down, it will be considered a fake. I guess maintaining appearances and keeping up with the Stoops’ is the order of the day. On a good note, the Longhorn defense did hold a Rice offense that was averaging 250 yards on the ground to just 41 yards on 23 carries in the first half. I guess somebody ought to tell Rice the wishbone is dead and only works in parts of rural west Texas where the forward pass is still considered a tool of the devil.

Oh well, a win is a win and at least the Rice baseball team got to show off their championship hardware at halftime. It’s always a treat for the whole family when the nerds get revenge. In fact, ESPN’s sideline reporter claimed to have actually seen one of the players getting a phone number from a real girl. Here’s hoping he got waved around third later that night because as far as the Owls’ football team is concerned, I’m thinking there won’t be a whole lot of scoring in their future, on or off the field.

TULANE IN THE MEMBRANE

Ah yes, the poster child for the “oppressed,” non-BCS conferences visits Memorial Stadium this weekend. Rumor has it the Green Wave aren’t just coming to Austin to learn more about redistricting. Defensively, Tulane has some issues, but the offense features a pro-caliber quarterback in J.P. Losman, who’s a pretty good pocket passer, and Mewelde Moore, a better than average running back. It’ll be good for Texas to see some play-action after playing three one-dimensional offenses. Tulane may hang with Texas for a while, but this game should be decided well before the 4th quarter. For more on that, here’s this week’s…

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Bevo crashes the Miss Conference USA pageant again this year sewing up the crown during the talent competition by expelling his version of the “yellow wave” right next to the Green Wave cheering section.

Texas 56, Runner-up 17

TAILGATE UPDATE

Your attention please ("yo peep dis") - the tailgating location (libation station) where we've been tailgating for the past 5 years (time flies when you're drinking a ton) will be unavailable this weekend ("what-chu-talkin'- bout Willis?") because Sports Illustrated (I read it for the pictures) decided to lay down some serious money (kickbacks) and rent it out from under us ("oh,, hail no") for some all-day promotion (oh great, another football phone). But have no fear ("where is everybody? Arby's Roast Beef Sale"), Whittemore and the gang (Meaty Cheesy Boys) are going to try to reserve a spot ("ain't no mountain high enough") across the street ("we're a hoovin' on up) and set up camp ("this one time, at the tailgate, I stuck Brat Wurst...") on the corner of 18th and Trinity (make a pilgrimage), across from the Tennis courts ("John Cock-toe-stone"). It may not work out (glass is half-empty), but if it does (half-full), pack up a cooler (have beer, will travel) and stop on by before the game (no Tulane, no gain). Oh, and don't forget to donate a few bucks for parking ("we need the dues").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Is it just me, or do the wings on Rice’s helmets look like they were painted by that "happy, little" painter from PBS.”

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