2003 Holiday Bowl Preview

Rather than waste your time complaining about the latest BCS debacle, I've decided to waste your time with a solution to this perceived problem. If it were up to me, the top two teams in the land would be determined by...

THE (54b)CS FORMULA

Part I

Polls, which are subjective and reactionary for the most part, serve a crucial roll in the 54bcs Formula which calculates placement by taking into account an aggregate score from the following polls:

A) Jeff Sagarin's (I-Still-Live-With-My-Parents-And-Spend-Most-Of-My-Time-In-The- Basement-Downloading-Clown-Porn-Yet-Control-The-Fate-Hopes-And- Dreams-Of-All-Those-Big-Dumb-Jocks) Algorithm

B) Playboy's Top 25 Colleges

C) Picks from the Prognosticating Pachyderm

D) The New York Times Poll by Jayson Blair

And

E) The "North Pole" (Hey, don't mock Santa, he knows)

Part II

Then add in deductions for the following:

(+6) For every directional word in the school name (North, Middle, etc.)

(+8) For every goal post torn down (home or away)

(+5 to 10) For any convicted felons in the starting line-up

(+7) If the school offers a degree in Agronomy or Animal Husbandry

(+3.4) If the mascot's relevance has to be explained

(+7) If their fans exhibit multiple face painting infractions

(+2) If they play on turf or in a dome

(+100) If they play in a conference without a championship game

(+2,397) If they lose their conference championship game

Automatic elimination for any team that plays in the MAC, the WAC or has a coach dumb enough to discuss X's and HO's with a butt-ugly, backwoods stripper over a $1,000 Continental Breakfast (hello Mike Price).

Part III

Finally, factor in game-time weather conditions, stadium seating capacity, number of lesbians on the softball team, strength of Debate, Chess and Glee Club schedules and the always important quality of concession stand hotdog coefficient. Throw out the high, the mode and the judge's score from France. Take the winner of the two teams with the lowest scores and you'll have your undisputed national champion.

Of course my formula has ITT Tech vs. the School for the Deaf in the Sugar Bowl, so what do I know about...

THE MESS OVER THE BCS

For Texas fans, last Saturday night was a night of tremendous emotional highs and lows. On one hand, watching K-State take OU behind the woodshed on national TV was almost as good as being propositioned by a supermodel when you were 15. On the other hand, realizing the Sooner meltdown meant the Longhorns would be making their sixth straight crappy bowl appearance and OU would still be going to the Sugar Bowl was like being rudely awaken to the fact that your fling with Vandella was only a dream and your mom was at the foot of your bed yelling at you to get up because the short bus was here to take you to school...okay, maybe that analogy was a little too personal, but I'm sure you can relate.

Regardless, the sobering fact remains that Texas, despite their Top 5 ranking, is headed, once again, to a second-tier bowl game. And when something bad happens, naturally, the coaches and players try to find someone or something to blame. Hey, I know...let's blame Bob Stoops. After all, everything wrong with Texas football can be traced back to the devil himself. And let's not forget about the wicked BCS and its reluctance to hold a play-off or allow more than two teams from the same conference to participate. Heck, while we're at it, we might as well throw in global warming, the crisis in the Middle-East and the vast right wing conspiracy...or here's a novel idea...how about we blame ourselves. Hey, if K-State can beat OU by 28 points, I've got to think Texas can too. If the Horns would just take care of business when it mattered most, instead of playing catch-up and depending on others, maybe they'd get to a BCS bowl.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be spending New Years in Tempe like everybody else, but I'm not so sure a team that gets beaten 65 to 13 and loses to a middle-of-the-pack Razorback team at home deserves a BCS bid. Before next season, I sincerely hope that Mack Brown takes a good, hard look at his players, his staff and himself and realizes Texas just isn't getting it done. What exactly needs to change, I can't say, but if things stay the same, we loyal orange bloods might as well get used to going to the...

HOLIDAY BOWL

What I know about Washington State: They used to have a coach named Mike Price that quit and took the job at Alabama only to get fired because he had an affinity for ugly strippers and cheating on his expense reports. The Cougars tied for the best record in the Pac 10 last year but were thoroughly trounced in the Rose bowl by OU. This year they've shown signs of life, but were beaten three times, including two humiliating losses to Notre Dame and Washington, a couple of mediocre teams that haven't seen the sunny side of the Top 25 since week one of the season. So what does all this mean? I have no idea. As for how the Horns will match up, frankly, I don't really care. And come 7pm, December 30th, I seriously doubt the rest of the television viewing population will either. But since when did ignorance and apathy ever stop me from making another...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

And now, a word from head coach, Mack Brown..."I'd just like to apologize to all Longhorn fans for apologizing so much. I really mean it this time when I say that me and Greg Davis and Carl what's-his-name truly regret the way things ended up this year. Yes, we get paid millions of dollars, but wins over Tulane, Rice and Baylor don't come cheaply. We're building something special here. What other team in the country can say they finished second in their conference six years in a row? We keep this up and they might even name a corn dog stand at Fair Park after me. Also, we got a big game coming up against Washington somebody and we need your support. Yes, flights to San Diego are rather expensive, but think of it as part of next year's foundation donation. And if you happen to see any young high school phenoms that can play quarterback, give them my card. See you after Christmas but before New Years per our usual and don't forget to come early, be loud, wear orange and donate, I mean stay late."

(BCS Reject 45 - Wazzou 38)

TAILGATE UPDATE

The Holiday Bowl (consolation celebration) will be played on Tuesday night, December 30th (ask your mom if you can stay up) in San Diego. My walk-on buddy Clay and me (The "B" Team) will be visiting my brother (54bro) who is stationed there with the Navy (hey Sailor). So if you're planning on visiting the Southern California area (do you smell smoke?) over the holidays ("Festivus for the rest of us"), than I recommend you stay down town near the Gaslamp District (they'll leave the light on for you). And if you're so inclined (Relax, don't do it), give me a call and we'll try to hook things up before the game (Cat fight).

QUOTE OF THE SEASON

"I don't believe in luck or bad luck. I think you make your luck...so the guys need to understand that we're right there, we just don't need to allow someone else to have our destiny in their hands. If we win one or two other games this year, then we're not sitting here waiting to see some other score this time of the year – that's our job." - Mack Brown

Translation: "I ask God every day to drop a piano on Bob Stoops' head."