11.08.2003

Texas 55, Oklahoma State 16

Roadtrip Diary

5:02am - After seeing three cases of beer and a mullet wig in the backseat of Danny's SUV, I'm starting to have second thoughts about the trip we are about to embark upon. The plan is simple enough: drive to Norman for the OU/A&M game, then on to Stillwater for the Texas/OSU game and then back home on Sunday. "Ah, go on," I tell myself, "what could possibly go wrong?"

5:46am - We're somewhere outside of Denton now and I'm dozing while listening to Danny's "Best of Foghat" CD when something cold jars me awake. Before I can yell, "honey, quit stealing the covers," I notice a 12 oz can of Bud jabbing me in the cheek. Sitting behind me is my buddy Clay. Yes, the same Clay that went to Nebraska with me last year and tried to sleep walk across the indoor pool at the Husker Inn. My road trip philosophy is you can never have enough meatheads for an adventure like this, and seeing how Clay just passed the bar a few days ago, I figured some legal representation wouldn't hurt either.

6:11am - The neon light from the "DW Adult Bookstore" located just south of the Red River let's us know we're about to leave Texas. I'm filled with so much state pride at this point, I crack open another beer.

6:24am - Whoa, boy, I got to go real bad, but we got no time for that. If the Bandit and me don't make it to Norman by 8am with this contraband Texas beer, we're going to lose the bet...sorry, I'm dreaming again. All except for the part about having to drain the main vein. Man, what I wouldn't give for some surgical tubing, a Ziploc bag and a catheter right about not?

6:35am - The Waffle House is an Oklahoma institution, and it is beautiful this time of year, but instead of watching the syrup flow like the Salmon of Capistrano, we settle for McDonalds and watching Grimace, I mean Clay, get his McGriddle on. Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. What did I care, I just wanted to take a McPiss.

6:53am - You'd think after giving me the tolerance of a 13-year old school girl, God would have at least blessed me a bladder of steel. Oh no, when I was born, I came equipped with the Suzy Wets-a-lot 5000 model. Oh, the humanity, not to mention the scorn and ridicule coming from Danny and Clay.

8:04am - We pull into the KA house in Norman just in time to watch all the joggers in some OU sorority-sponsored Father/Daughter fun run go by. Can you imagine the irony of jogging with your dad and passing all the frat houses you've shacked at. I don't know what they call this charity 5k, but "Run of Shame" has a nice ring to it.

9:47am - Outside O'Connell's (sort of like Schultz' Beer Garden, except with gas pumps and chicken wire) counting the mullets and trophy guts when James, our fourth and final travel companion, shows up. James is an old friend from Dallas who lives in OKC now and though he is neither black nor retarded, for some reason we choose to call him "Radio" for the rest of the weekend. Another road trip philosophy of mine: nicknames, got to have them.

11:00am (GAME 1 - OU/A&M) - Being that I am a diehard, burnt orange-bleeding Longhorn and seeing how I despise everything that is crimson and cream, watching a game at Owens field is a little like going to hell to get a suntan. But since James' friend Wilson hooked us up with some primo tickets in the Sooner's new club section, I figured I could hang for a while, especially since there was a glassed-in common area with leather couches, flat screens and lunch buffets located right behind us. Of course James did have to talk me down with a piece of Pecan Pie after I nearly went postal seeing all those upside down Horns everywhere. I mean if I went everywhere with an upside down chuckwagon on my shirt, people would call me Corky and pat me on the head. As for the game, I haven't seen an ass-kicking like that since oh, I don't Know...five weeks ago. Usually watching Old Sarge get pounded 77-0 would bring a smile to my face, but this time, it only served to remind me of the humiliation that was the Red River Shootout. But if you thought we were pathetic, be glad you're not an Aggie. I don't know for sure, but I think Fran was shopping his resume to Arizona's AD at halftime. Wow, that was sad.

3:45pm - Cruising up I-35 and shooting the Horns to all the Texas fans we were passing when I noticed that strangely, all the other drivers weren't shooting the Horns back at me. Instead, they just looked at me with that expression you get on your face when your wife says, "honey, what's this odd-looking charge on the cable bill?" Then it dawned on me that I was traveling in a car with a big Sooner bumper sticker on the back and a sitting next to Danny, who was now wearing a mullet wig. Somebody call ahead to Stillwater and let them know the Carnival is coming to town.

4:37pm - Minutes from the OSU campus now when one of us (surprisingly not me) decides it's time to water the roses, except we're in a residential area and there isn't a gas station for miles. So at the next stop sign "this guy" goes barreling out of the car and dives into a drainage ditch like he was fighting in the trenches in World War II. And while "our friend" was waging his own personal "battle of the bulge," the rest of us were sitting in the car patiently. Yeah right... we were honking the horn, snapping pictures and basically making total asses out of ourselves. More road trip philosophy: they always say water, food and shelter are the three essentials, but I'm putting bladder relief tops on that list.

6:00pm (GAME 2 - TX/OSU) - Lewis Field is sort of a cross between the stadium your high school football team played in and some sort of post-apocalyptic ruin only Mad Max would have good offensive stats in. The place is literally falling apart all around you. In the line at the port-o-potties I jokingly said "Two men enter, one man leaves," but no one seemed to find my humor appealing and a few guys even went to another line. What were they thinking? The game started out slow, it was cold as hell and when Mack sent Mock in I nearly lost it. Is anybody really buying this whole bit about giving Vincent a "chance" to rest? I feel bad for Mock, he comes off the bench cold, the O-line isn't accustomed to his cadence, and if he doesn't drive the team Right down the field and score a touchdown, the whole experiment is considered a failure. Of course, one game later, we do it all over again. It's like flushing the toilet right before scalding yourself in the shower and doing it again and again every morning. Sooner or later, you got to figure it out. At halftime we switched sections and sat next to Clay's brother and his friend J. Daniels. The next thing I remember, Texas is up by like 30 points And I'm beating Clay's brother silly with a half-eaten turkey leg. I'm not exactly sure how we got to that point, but at least I wasn’t cold anymore and with the 55-16 cowpoking, the BCS was no longer a pipe dream.

10:47pm - Clay and I finally make it in to Eskimo Joes bar/club where we find James and Danny cavorting on the makeshift dance floor with the locals. Somehow, the mullet wig is still intact and, with Young MC blaring over the speakers, there's not much left to do but "bust of move." Oh, no, you say...oh yes. 54b and the gang was indeed out on the Dance floor kickin' it old school. You got to love beer. What else can convince a tall, awkward white boy that he's the conductor of Soul Train. Of course, at that point in the night I was also convinced Danny's mullet wig was an invisibility cloak (nerd alert) and nobody could see me making a fool out of myself.

2:35am - Clay, Danny and I have now awake for nearly 24-hours straight and all I want in the world is a big stack of silver dollar pancakes. So we're walking down the street looking for this greasy spoon some local told us about, when all of sudden James yells at me to get in the car sort of like one of those guys preying on young girls in the ABC after school specials did. So I turn around to see Clay and Danny already stuffed into the back seat of this Toyota Celica and James motioning me to get in. So, what the heck, right? It beats walking and you had to be there to truly appreciate this: I've got one leg out one window of the car and my head out the other. And then it hits me: If I'm presently castrating Clay and Danny and James is in the passenger seat, who the hell is driving? Well of course, silly, it's some strange, 40-year-old lady (Hello MILF) who runs a bar and just happened to offer four drunks a ride out of the goodness of her own heart. Happens all the time, right?

2:55am - Now all five of us are stuffed into a booth built for four at Shortcakes, a diner near OSU. The other three are making polite conversation with Mrs. Stiffler when it occurs to me that this situation is a little creepy. So I start whispering at clay in that soft voice that sounds more like a PA announcement at the ballpark..."Clay, Clay, what if she tries to steal our kidneys?"

3:17am - I'm now walking "alone" back to the hotel. Technically, it's only about a half-mile away from the diner, but in my mind, I'm on the Baton sleep depravation march. Fortunately, I was able to overcome my fear of losing my organs long enough to scarf down a short stack and a side of hash browns before ditching the other thre. So at least I'm not hungry. Fat, drunk and stupid, yes, hungry, no.

3:30am - About the same time I wander into the hotel parking lot, Clay, Danny and James roll up with Mrs. Robinson. Turns out she was on the up and up and was just bored. Such is life, I guess. After that the four of us trudged into The hotel lobby and I can I only imagine what the girl at the front desk thought of us. She didn't bother asking us if we wanted a wake-up call anyway. We didn't care; our only concern was figuring out how to slide the key card into the door. It's not rocket science, but at 3:30am it might as well have been. I miss keys.

3:45am - Clay and James are having a snore-contest and, wouldn't you know it, after staying up for an entire day, I still can't get any sleep. But I had to smile when Danny came back from the car with a felt tip marker and started drawing whiskers on James' face. More road trip philosophy: he who stays awake the longest, laughs last. What a day, what a trip. Looking back, I could have probably added a few years onto my life by staying home and watching the games on TV, but where's the fun in that? If you never go, you'll never know.

NEXT GAME

Last year I sat through four hours of pure Red Raider hell out in Lubbock as Tech beat Texas by four in an offensive slugfest. The players may not call this a revenge game but I do. If I had my way I'd tare down every goal post from Odessa to Amarillo and shove them up those rivalry retards' asses...sorry, I'm still a little bitter. Anyway I expect the Red Raiders to score a few points while UT's defense adjusts, but I don't see Tech's paltry defense giving Vince and boys much trouble. As for just who will win, on to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Texas offense scores at will, Texas defense gets a B.J.

Texas 63, Leach Mob 21

TAILGATE UPDATE

Kick-off for last home game of the season (BCS Roller Coaster) is set for 6pm ("the nighttime is the right time") giving Longhorn fans plenty of time to tailgate ("you boys doin' a bit of boozin'") before the Tech game (Monster Tech Rally). Whittemore and the Gang (Great American Heroes) will be set up and ready go early Saturday (Tivo the Smurfs). So if you get a chance ("Mock-yeah!"), come on by and drink a beer ("now yur talkin'"), eat a fajita (guacamole extra) and soak it all in (like a sponge) because it'll be a while before we do it again (Come back for more in '04). Oh, and don't forget (Dude, where's my bar) to throw a couple of bucks into the cup (can ya put it in my hand?) for parking fees and such (write it off to the Psoriasis charity of your choosing).

QUOTEWORTHY

Here are some quotes from the road trip, the names have been withheld to protect the "not-so" innocent:

"Oh yeah, well maybe I'll just shove my (car) keys up my ass so you can't leave without me."

"Excuse me, do you know where the swine bar is?"

"It's your turn to wear the mullet!?"

"Hi, this is my friend Meximo - he's half Mexican, half Eskimo and he doesn't appreciate your boss using his ancestors to pedal your cheese fries and cheap beer."

"You guys don't look like Cowboy fans."

"Well actually we go to OSU-Okmulgee."

"Dude, that big girl over there wants to dance with you!?"

"Yeah, I think somebody spilled barbeque sauce on me."

"What exactly do you do for a living?"

"I'm a Fluffer."

"Your friend called my brother an asshole, so I have to do the right thing and kick his ass."

"Who's your brother?"

"He's that asshole up there pouring beer on everyone."

"Hey, get your ball-sack off my side of the bed."

"What if she tries to steal our kidneys?"

"Shut up and eat your pancakes."

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