Texas 51, Texas Tech 21

After watching the Longhorns take the little Red Raiders behind the woodshed last Saturday night, don't you just know I had to turn the dial to 1340 KKAM - Lubbock SportsTalk Radio for another intoxicating edition of...

COACHSPEAK WITH MIKE LEACH

"Shooter Johnson back wit ya, and joining me on the Texas Tech post game show is Red Raider Head Coach Mike Lush."

"That's Leach you (beep)hole."

"Pardon me, he-he, uh, well Coach, that was quite a drowner- I mean downer you had tonight."

"Yes, it was. Right now, we're not a team that's mentally tough enough to draw from success and build on it, we want to take something and coast."

"Here-here (hick-up)."

"Not TOAST, COAST you idiot. Instead of playing hard, my players wanted to coast around and look at the other guy and see what he was going to do, they're just a bunch of sheep looking around staring at one another."

"Yeah, I hear ya, just like the other night when the po-lice raided my buddy

Delbert's meth laboratory, it was on COPS the other night. Maybe you saw it?"

"Oh yeah sure, never miss an episode."

"I thought so (hick-up), anyway speaking of bad boys, bad boys...Coach, why did that ref go and throw the yellow hanky atcha in the 3rd like that?"

"I can't exactly comment on the refs. I'll just say that I was trying to fire my team up. Right now we're not tough enough to step up there and play to our ability because all we want to do is talk about what happened against Nebraska. Occasionally you read that Texas is soft and all that business. Well, we're hell of a lot softer."

"Speaking of soft, this portion of the show brought to you by our good friends from Levitra who want me to remind you that, um...remind you that, um...where the hell is that page? Um, ah (beep), you guys out there that need a little more boom-boom in the bedroom, pop in a couple of them Lay-vitra pills...right Coach?"

"Somebody kill me now."

"Oh yeah, and guys, if your woodrow lasts longer than four quarters, better get yourself to a hospital or a massage parlor or Mexico or something, ah hell, I can't remember...anyway back to the show. Coach, what do say we take some calls?"

"Anything to shut you up."

"Right (hick-up), JimmyJoe in Sweetwater, you're on wit the Coach."

"Hey Coach Leach I'm in trouble something fierce. I bet all the child support money on you bums cuz that Huffman feller said you'd win against them Longhorns. So you better tell Antonio what for cuz my baby mamma's looking to kill me."

"Oh that's rich. Well at least you don't have to worry about my players talking to the media anymore. They can't handle the spotlight. Any positive thing written about them, they believe it times 10."

"Coach, I didn't know they could read..."

"Shut up Shooter."

"Right...okay, we got time for one more chaser- I mean caller. BettyLou on line two, you're on wit the coach."

"Coach this here's BettyLou over at Big Earl's Gun Range and Petting Zoo and we just want you to know that all the girls over at the Bingo table are still behind you and the boys."

"Well that's nice BettyLou, I'll let the team know and do you have question for me?"

"No, but JimmyJoe, if you're listening, YOU BETTER GET MY MONEY YOU DOG!!!"

"That's it Shooter, I quit, you people are gonna drive me to drink..."

"Hold on, I'll get my keys. Coach, where ya going, wait for me... well guess this wraps up another round of HoochSpeak, I mean Coachspeak, I'm your host Shooter Johnson reminding you to drink before you think. I mean, ah hell, I don't know..." - OFF

TEXAS 51, CLASSLESS CLOWNS 21

Disturbingly enough, most of the quotes attributed to Coach Leach above were taken straight from his post game press conference where it should be noted that he was the lone speaker. After Leach barred his players from talking to the media, which he probably should have done after the Nebraska blowout, he pulled no punches in berating them to the press corp. Hey, if he wants to rip his team a new one, that's fine, but do it in the locker room not in the newspapers. Those players, one or two excluded, don't need their Coach declaring open season on them and encouraging the media to be even more harsh than usual. I thought it was a classless move but then again, what do you expect from the coach who tried to run the score up on hapless SMU.

As for the game, wow, didn't see that coming. I guess Antonio Huffman (Tech DB who guaranteed a victory last week) picked the wrong week to mess with Texas and especially Vince Young, who was 10-15 passing including a pinpoint bomb to Tony Jeffrey to beat none other than the pathetic prophetic Mr. Huffman for a 40-yard gain. Oh and if picking up just about every crucial 3rd down on his own wasn't enough, Young also ran for four touchdowns too. And though I rip Greg Davis nearly every week, give the beleaguered offensive coordinator credit for keeping the offense on the field and finally implementing plays designed to give Young the option to pass the ball or run with it. Why we always seem to have to wait until after OU for things to click is beyond me, but oh well.

And speaking of Coaches named Greg, how about Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood where the Texas DB's worked the zone defense to perfection and were just knockin' the chocolate out of those Tech receivers all night. One of the announcers on the telecast even made the comment that one of the Tech wideouts was getting into the fetal position before catching a ball because he knew he was about to get tattooed. But probably the best moment in the game happened after some spare Tech receiver scored a meaningless TD late in the game and started talking trash only to have Phillip Geiger come up and tap him on the shoulder and point at the scoreboard. That was classic. Too bad most of the Tech fans missed it because they'd already departed the stadium before the end of the 3rd quarter. Worse than that, not long after the rivalry refugees mass exodus, more classlessness ensued deep in Red Raider territory when Tech linebacker John Saldi illegally chop blocked Texas offensive lineman Will Allan. Allan was standing straight up and down blocking a Tech D-Lineman when Saldi came crashing into his elongated leg collapsing Will's knee and taking him out the game. Not surprising though from a team whose motto is "if you can't beat'em, cheat'em." Anyway let's hope Will's ready for...

THE NEXT GAME

Bevo vs. Ralphie - The battle of the hooven quadrupeds continues. The last time Texas played Colorado, Chris Simms was finding new ways to ensure his legacy as the one guy in history that most Texans wished had "volunteered" to stay in Tennessee. And despite the Major's gallant attempt to bring Texas back from a three touchdown deficit, the Longhorns still lost the Big XII Title game 39-37 to the Buffaloes and with it, our best chance to play in the National Championship in over 30 years. I'm not sure any of the fans present that night have ever truly gotten over it, or completely sobered up for that matter.

Since the debacle, Texas has been best known for continuing its streak of consecutive Holiday Bowl trips while Colorado has received more notoriety off the field than on. Last Spring, Gary Barnett's players were flagged for one too many illegal use of the hands penalties on some coeds with long memories during some off-season recruiting parties and thus became the NCAA's poster bitches for why strippers, alcohol and 18-year old recruits don't mix. Who knew? Fortunately for the Buffaloes, Kobe stopped by the Rocky Mountains and had some illegal penetration problems of his own, thus taking the spotlight off the Buffs and allowing the CU program to get back to playing football or some semblance of it.

Colorado is 1-3 in Big XII play this season but did show signs of life with by taking the Aggies into overtime down at Kyle Field last weekend. Besides the fact that CU's getting over some injury problems, what makes them particularly potent is that they really have nothing to lose and they're playing at home. But will it be enough to beat the #8 ranked Texas Longhorns? Find out in the always uncomfortable...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

"Long Horn no smok'em peace pipe with Tatonka. Tatonka scared. Tatonka run hide. Long Horn just stand there, take big crap. Tatonka no where hide. Long Horn get mad. Fire cannon. No more Tatonka."

Texas 42, Dances with D-A's 17

TAILGATE UPDATE

Playing the Buffaloes (Rohypnotists) on the road is by far my favorite away game (its road-rageous). From the weather (it's cool) to Folsom Field to the bars on "the Hill" (fetch a pail of ale), Boulder is easily one the best venues (Rock on) in all of college football. Unfortunately for me (sorry Rudy, maybe next time), my four-week old (don't cry 54c) is not ready for the Rocky Mountains just yet (like John Denver, his diaper is full of sh*t). Fortunately, the game (Tatonka Tango) is being televised during ABC's coveted 2:30PM slot (sublime time) and like many of you (Orange Sox Nation), I will be glued to the tube (It's Not TV, It's H-BEVO) to see if Vince and the Horns (Young Guns) can keep our BCS dreams alive (Fiesta Siesta).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Why not us?" - Red Sox Nation

(Coming soon to a TX/OU T-shirt near you.)