Texas 0, OU 12

For a coach making $3.5 million this year, more than anything, what did Mack Brown need most to assuage angry Texas fans and appease the unforgiving media after getting shutout on national television and beaten for a 5^th straight time by arch nemesis Bob Stoops? An armed escort out of the Cotton Bowl...maybe. A new offensive coordinator...undoubtedly. A fresh pair of underwear...forget it. I'll just tell you, Mack needed a little PR, Public

Relations. You know, crisis managment. (Hey, if it can work for Bush Vs. Kerry, it can work for Brown Vs. Stoops.) And since I see life through a beer glass that's always half-full and I've been known to do a little spin control with my own tenuous football career, I thought it only appropriate that I provide the media with another view of Mack Brown in what I like to call...

MACK-ASSWARD STATS

1) Mack Brown is the only coach in the country with eight straight seasons with nine wins or more. (Let's see Bob Stoops do that without winning one single Conference Championship.)

2) Not counting the losses to OU, Mack has lost less conference games than

Bob Stoops since the 2001 season. (Not so tough when you're not knocking the crap out of Bevo are you Bob?)

3) Since 2001, Texas has beaten every team that OU has lost to in that same season. (Who's your daddy's daddy Bob?)

4) Mack Brown has never lost to Oklahoma State. (Having trouble Cowboying-up there, huh Bob?)

5) Mack Brown has won three recruiting national championships. (Let's see Stoops do that without winning a national championship or developing a Heisman Trophy QB or doing any actual coaching whatsoever.)

6) Mack Brown has never lost the week after getting beaten severely by OU. (Care to go double or nothin' Bob?)

7) Texas is the only team in the country to be ranked in every BCS poll at the end of the last five seasons. (Oops there Bob Stoops, looks like you're missing a middle initial.)

8) In the last four years following the Oklahoma game, Texas has lost only one regular season game, while OU has lost at least one every year. (Got a problem finishing Bob? Hey, a lot of people have trouble with premature...celebration.)

9) Mack Brown has just as many South Division Big XII Championship trophies as Bob Stoops. (So put that in your butt and poke it Bob.)

And the most important reason Mack Brown outclasses Bob Stoops...

10) No coach in the history of college football has ever looked as similarly to Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane as Mack Brown. (Sorry Bob, I guess you'll have to settle for Deputy Enis.)

Now don't you all think it's time we quit harping on Mack Brown and admit that he's...

"PRETTY PAINFULLY GOOD"

Skip Bayless, a veteran sports writer of many years, described Mack Brown in his column last week as being "pretty painfully good." In the five years I've been writing this commentary, I don't think I've ever pegged Mack quite as well. How else can you describe a coach who recruits better than just about anyone out there, has a winning percentage just shy of .800, keeps the stadium packed every game and has yet to really win one truly significant game - no National Championships, no Conference Championships, perennial trips to 2nd-tier bowls and an absolutely abysmal record against Top 10 teams.

Even the harshest critic can not argue that Mack Brown hasn't brought Texas out of the dark ages of the late 80s and early 90s and back into national prominence. But until he faces some harsh realties, there's no doubt in my mind that his Texas teams are always going to be destined to fall short. One of such reality is the fact that Recruiting, which has been a key strength for Mack, is slipping. Adrian Peterson made an absolute fool out of Mack and the Texas program. Before the game last Saturday, he said flat out that he loved Texas, but didn't go there because he wanted to go to a place where they won championships and developed players. Then, instead of shutting him up, Mack's gang went right out and helped him prove it. You think that Parade All-America QB out of Louisiana (Peliroux) is having second thoughts about committing to Texas. Rumor has it that Vince Young told this guy that he should come to Texas because he could be "the man" after his red-shirt year because Vince was going pro after his Junior year. Please. How is Vince going to go pro if he can't throw a football to save his life. You think Vince's parents made a phone call to Mack and said, please develop our son or we're going to threaten to transfer. And speaking of developing talent, when is Mack going to wake up and just say, "Greg Davis, you're fired." It's like he's waiting for Davis to do the right thing and fire himself. Has any coordinator done less with so much talent than Greg Davis. So Vince can't throw very well and we don't have any receivers, there had to be some other things available last Saturday than Benson left and Benson right. No passes to David Thomas, no reverses, no misdirection, no option plays, no imagination, no nothing, not even Chance Mock. It's OU for crying out loud, you've got to pull your head out of your arse and pull out all the stops. Until Mack puts Greg Davis out the pasture he and the Longhorns are destined to always remain "pretty painfully good."

Mack finally went out and hired new defensive coordinators last year and things got better. I don't know why he can't do it on the offensive side. It's no coincidence that Bob Stoops has had three coordinators win head coaching jobs at other programs in his tenure at Oklahoma. Meanwhile, Mack's last coordinator is now diagramming defensive shuffle board maneuvers at Shady Acres. How much longer can Mack afford to be loyal to Greg Davis? Who knows, nobody thought he'd last this long.

Regardless of whether Mack ever figures this thing out, the fact is, nobody is more devastated with losing to OU and wants to win worse than Mack Brown. As much pain as we fans feel right now, nobody hurts worse than the coach. And I can promise you this. But at the end of the day and at the end of another tough game all the apologies and excuses and acceptance of blame don't matter if there's no repercussions for failure. They're just meaningless words to appease the media and the masses until the next monumental loss. But instead of showing Deloss our displeasure we entrench Mack's position ever more so by coming early, being loud, staying late and buying anything orange we can get our hands on. And why do we do this, because Mack, ever the consummate politician is always prepared with another stat or anecdote just like the one you've already heard many times this week: After he loses to OU, Mack always wins...

THE NEXT GAME

This is the first time Texas has had a home game after a loss to OU since the streak of five began. In the past four years, only the diehard fans would travel to see the next game while the majority sat home and got an extra week to get over the pain. It'll be interesting to see how many fans show up to see Texas take on Missouri, a team with an extremely gifted quarterback and a very good chance of being the North Division's champion. If I had to guess, I'd say you'll see a lot of empty seats. ABC in the other hand has made the game it's regional game of the week. Let's hope the Horns can remind the college football world that they're still a force to be reckoned with and start climbing back up the polls. But will Mack Brown keep his own streak of post OU victories alive, for that and whole lot more, let's hand it over to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

(Forgive me, but you knew I had to go here...)

Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? (Forget it, he's rolling.) Was it over when Mr. T beat up Rocky and made him do uncomfortable man-love scenes on the beach with Action Jackson? Was it over when my Atari 2600 was declared Y2K incompatible? Was it over when my parents canceled our subscription to Cinemax? Was it over when Charlie gave the Everlasting Gobstopper back to Mr. Wonka? Hell no it wasn't over. (Begin slow clap sequence.) It's not over until we say it's over.

Tell that fat lady to take five. I know you're hurting. Maybe you feel alone, perhaps abandoned or unloved. But you got to hold on for one more day, things will go your way, and if they don't, there's always the YMCA. Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find some little nerd and whip his ass just for the hell of it.

Because "We're Texas" damn it, and everything's bigger and better and more expensive down here. So you just wave those Horns in the air and wave them like you just don't care because all we have to fear is reruns of Fear Factor and no I won't go gently into that good night because I don't take sh*t from nobody, or wooden nickels either and I don't care if Stoops comes back from outer space with that look upon his face, I will survive. I will survive and so will you damn it. I don't care if it takes all night, I want to see four passes before you shoot and for the love of good Scotch, don't let me catch you watchin' the paint dry. Just win baby. Just win.

Winning isn't every thing, it's the only thing that helps the medicine go down. So swallow your wounded pride and your gum if your chewing some and go out there and give me 110%, at least half of the time. It's go time. It's show time. It's "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a Tiger by his toe and whip his ass time. It's eye black all over your face, big disgrace, kickin' Mizzou's ass all over the place time. So show me how to paint the fence Daniel-son, and when the breaks are hitting the boys, tell Mack to tell them to go out there and win one for the stripper. Holy sh*t, pass me the Pepto.

Texas 36, Blow Me State 27

TAILGATE UPDATE

Kickoff against the Missouri Tigers (Sigfried and Roy's Boys) has been set for 2:30pm on ABC (Greg Davis knows "The Benefactor"), so show up at the tailgate (Libation Station) as early as you like (Early bird, eats the worm). The weather looks great (Wish I was beautiful), and we (Hamburger Helpers) look forward to righting the ship (Don't abandon champion-ship) this weekend! We'll have a lot of smoked meats (hey, no hiding the salami) and there's no telling what else (Mystery Meat, all right), but you know it will be good (You like it, you love it, you want some more of it). Don't forget to donate (would say Thomas Jefferson help you remember) a couple bucks while you're at it (saw my pimp today).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Only decent comeback by a Longhorn last Saturday..."Why would I want to live in a place (Oklahoma) where the state tree is a telephone pole?"