Texas 47, Oklahoma State 28

Shortly after Texas' huge win over that other OSU team, my friend Clay (also a former walk-on) and I decided that this year had to be the Longhorns' year to win it all. So while waiting for our planes to board in the middle of Terminal B of the Columbus airport, we made a pact that we were going to make it to every game this year...yeah, I know, what are we, the Ya-Ya Brotherhood? But trust me, you say a lot stupid shit working on two hours of sleep after escaping the Shoe with a win, not to mention the wrath of 100,000 nutty Buckeye fans. Anyway, making it to all the games this year has been our quest and relatively easy for the most part. Well, up until this past weekend anyway.

Despite sporting the World's Biggest Ball of Mud and an Emu Petting Zoo second to none, Oklahoma is not exactly the easiest of travel destinations to sell. And though some of our "other" friends backed out, Clay still kept the faith and managed to meet me in Dallas for the drive up I-35 which we've affectionately renamed...

(Road Trip Diary - October 29, 2005)

5:37am Not two steps out my front door when I notice the super manly Dodge Magnum Clay swore he reserved from National Car Rental is actually, in fact, a Chrysler Pacifica, Metro-sexual Monthly's Car of the Year. And just like that, we went from being road warriors to the "Ambiguously Gay Duo."

6:23am Riding along in the super-mobile
Passing the XXX shop outside Gainesville
Popped open a beer at the turn of a mile
Curious if Vince will be running wild
Crusin' and listenin' to ESPN radio
With only 200 more miles to go

6:49am Fortunately for my tiny bladder, Clay wants to get his McGriddle on at the McDonalds in Ardmore, but that doesn't stop the Hamburglars behind the counter from mocking me as I make the walk of shame to break the seal in their McPisser.

7:51am We're in the belly of the beast now: Norman, Oklahoma. Clay tries to temper my desire to stop and deface some Sooner public property by pointing out how beautiful the Waffle House looks this time of year. Freakin' Sooners. I'd like to give them a piece of my...”Mmmm, waffles...but can't we just stop and yell OU sucks...maple syrup...and tell Bob Stoops to kiss my...grits and hot links.” Before I know it, we're in OKC and my Boomer outburst has subsided.

9:07am I don't believe it, barely 3 hours into the trip and we've made it to Hwy 51, the turn-off for Stillwater. We’ve made great time. I mean like Cannonball Run great time. I celebrate by cracking open another Bud and telling Clay that we're like the Duke Boys runnin' moonshine. He just rolls his eyes and says, "yeah, maybe if Bo was bald and Luke was retarded."

9:27am Rolling into Stillwater feeling full of Longhorn pride and something else...yep, I gotta pee again. And since we're not in a hurry, Clay begrudgingly drops me off at a Conoco/Subway Sandwich station with what had to be the world's smallest bathroom. It was so cramped you could wipe your arse and blow your nose with one swipe, although I wouldn't recommend doing it in that order. Oh well, at least now I know where Jared found the inspiration to lose all the weight.

10:17am Apparently "Arts and Crafts" is a popular major at OSU because just about every fraternity house on the OSU campus is sporting some sort of elaborate homecoming diorama depicting some facet of OSU Cowboy life (I guess). And though most of these crape paper-covered monstrosities look like a cross between Santa's Workshop and an episode of Bonanza, I do give the students credit for their efforts. Clay suggested we tell people we're on the selection committee that picks the best build. I agreed and suggested we pee on the winner. Yep, I gotta go again.

10:51am Sitting in the parking lot of Eskimo Joe's Tavern and T-Shirt Emporium finishing off the last of the contraband beer we brought from Texas. I'm lamenting the fact that we're not wearing costumes to the game so close to Halloween and all. Clay just frowns and says, "why don't you just go as a super hero, you can be 'The Urinater'."

11:27am The place is packed, but Clay and I manage to squeeze into a a couple of spots at the bar. Halfway through our first pitcher, I look over and nearly shoot a cheese fry out of my nose. There sitting next to me, no lie, is an older woman baring a strong resemblance to what can only be described as a person of Inuit origin. I'm serious, this lady could have been an extra on Clan of the Cave Bear. Clay and I spend the rest of the hour daring each other to ask this nice lady if she is in fact Eskimo Joe. Fortunately for us, she leaves before we drink ourselves brave enough to do it. Yeah, we're going to hell.

1:15pm Clay and I have now split about 3 or 4 pitchers and somehow managed to drink ourselves sober on that 3.2 beer. So Clay tells the bartender that we're switching to guns and orders us up some Jack and Cokes. Making matters worse was an obnoxious Sooner fan at the bar yelling, "All Day, All Day" every time Adrian Peterson would touch the ball in the OU/Nebraska game on TV. Then of course we had to have the obligatory response from the rest of the bar telling him to shut the hell up. But at least the UT fans and OSU fans had a common enemy to yell at besides each other. Silly Sooner.

?PM I think it was like 5:30pm when we finally decided to pay our tab and leave after sitting at the bar for six straight hours. And let me just tell you, we didn't leave a moment too soon, because after getting back to our car to “drop off” some stuff, the Cheese Fries took their revenge and decided to pay me another visit. Oh yeah, right there in the parking lot - barf-o-rama. I'm not sure what was sadder, a 30-year-old man who can't hold his Cheese Fries or Clay scrambling around the car to lay the sports page over it. Just a classic moment all the way around.

5:45pm Surprisingly, after repainting the lines in Joe's parking lot, I felt great and Clay and I started walking to the game where we found some guy selling $60 tickets in the Texas section for $40 along the way. And just when we thought life couldn’t get any better, the booth selling Turkey Legs (yeah, I never learn) was located right behind our section and we arrived in our seats just in time for kick-off where we just knew we were going to walk all over the Pokes...whoops.

Clay and I didn't speak a word to each other until well after halftime. We just sort of sat there in disbelief. Ironically, while the Horns were fighting their way out of a 28-9 deficit, it was eerily calm. None of the Texas fans around us were angry or panicking - it's like we knew we'd eventually win but all we could think about was what this was doing to UT's reputation with the BCS voters. And lost in the Longhorns 47-28 come-from-behind victory was just an unbelievable performance by Vince Young. We were so concerned with not only coming back, but also scoring enough points to look good, that we failed to notice VY accounting for about 500 yards of offense. I guess when you're ranked #1 in the BCS and losing to the worst team in the Big XII, you forget to enjoy the ride. Oh well, on to...

Since Mack Brown came to town, the Baylor game has ostensibly been a bye-week for the Longhorns. Simply put, the Bears have just been awful for the better part of the past decade. During that stretch, they even went a couple of years without winning a single conference game causing most pundits to wonder aloud if a small, private, religious institution could ever be competitive in the Big XII.

Fortunately for Baylor, Guy Morriss must not read the papers or listen to the radio. Since he took over as Head Coach, the Bears have made marked improvement and while their record hasn't drastically improved, their level of play on the field has. Rather than resorting to gimmicky offenses and tricks to try and resurrect the program like his predecessors did, Coach Morriss chose instead to rely on a strong, consistent defense and install a simple, offensive scheme easily grasped by his young players.

This year Baylor got their first road win ever over a Big XII conference opponent and took OU and A&M into overtime before losing. Even more telling of their rise from mediocrity was their effort last weekend holding a Tech team averaging over 40 points a game to just 6 in the first half. And while some of this new found success can probably be attributed to the fact that the Big XII Conference as a whole isn't playing as well as it has in the past, there's no doubt in my mind that Baylor will continue to improve and cease to be the conference cellar dweller year after year.

As for the game this Saturday, I think Texas' massive offensive line will wear down Baylor's defense and put points on the board repeatedly. And with the Bears' struggling offense largely ineffective against an inspired Longhorn Defense who got a wake-up call last week in Stillwater, I don't see the game staying close for more than a quarter. And for more on the score, check out the...

Texas 45
Forbidden Dancers 10

In his weekly press conference (Mack Talk), Coach Brown said he wanted Texas fans (Horns O' Plenty) to fill every available seat (Move over Baylor, there's something Hornier) they can find for the game against the Bears (Guy's guys). So if you respect authority like me (drink the orange Kool-Aid), get your butt to Waco this Saturday (hit'em below the Bible Belt). Kick-off has been set for 11:30am (I can "bearly" wait) and most fans, well at least those who drink beer anyway (don't hide it, imbibe it), will be over at George's "Big O" Tent (oh, will they?) located on Dutton Street across from Floyd Casey Stadium (the Cub-Club).

Advertisement on the condom dispenser located in the rather diminutive Conoco/Subway bathroom stall on Hwy 51 outside of Stillwater...

"Try new 'Rough Ride-her' Condoms with even more ribs for extra traction."
(You only wish I were making that up.)

Ride'em, I mean Hook'em,


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