2005 Big XII Championship

Texas 70, Colorado 3...um, yeah, let's talk about something else.

Despite playing out of his mind for the last 13 weeks while leading Texas to their first undefeated regular season since 1983 and orchestrating the most lopsided win in Big XII Championship history, Vince Young is still being mentioned by most pundits in the media as a distant runner-up to Reggie Bush in the Heisman Trophy race. All I have to say about that is, "what the hell else does VY have to do to get some respect around here?"

Don't get me wrong, I think Reggie Bush is a hell of a player and extremely deserving of the award. And I'm obviously biased towards Young so I’m not going to waste your time trying to make a case for either candidate by comparing stats or big games or whatever else those talking heads on ESPN do to kill a Tuesday afternoon. But I do want to make the point that it is ridiculous that, with a week to go before the trophy ceremony and over half the ballots still not turned in, several commentators in the media were so reckless in dismissing one worthy candidate while touting another.

So on the eve of the Heisman Trophy ceremony, I figured it incumbent upon me to fight fire with gasoline by taking a page from my grass roots campaign playbook and conducting a little viral marketing experiment of my own on VY's behalf. It may not make any difference in the outcome for the Heisman, but it worked for Chuck Norris. So for Vince’s sake, please forward on the following...


Vince Young was a kid barely alive after a bicycle accident. But the doctors said, "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic quarterback. Vince Young will be that QB. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

On the 7th day God rested while Vince Young worked on his passing game.

The U.S. National Weather Service has never named a hurricane after "Vince" because there's no such thing as a category 10 storm.

The army that carried the "Ark of the Covenant" was undefeated until they played Vince Young.

Contrary to what most cheerleaders believe, Vince Young actually invented "spirit fingers" while impatiently waiting for the center to snap him the ball.

Many doctors prescribe the "Vince Young Diet" to their overweight patients because it has been scientifically proven that you can not close your mouth and swallow food while watching Vince play football.

Vince Young does not run like the wind, he creates it.

The New York Athletic Club posthumously awarded John W. Heisman the Vince Young Trophy after the Rose Bowl last year.

Commentators call the area between the 20-yard line and the goal line the red zone because of all the opposing players Vince Young has burned there.

Statistical records show that Vince Young has thrown 30 career interceptions and has also been credited with 30 vicious, unassisted tackles. This is not a coincidence, this is a warning.

Vince Young's "Gangsta Flow Session" has been the #1 download on iTunes for so long, Apple had to change the name of their portable MP3 player to the VY-Pod.

Unlike USC quarterback Matt Leinart, Vince Young placed out of Ballroom Dance class because his "Texas Two-Step" was considered graduate level work.

In high school, Vince Young threw a football a quarter mile over some mountains and hit a ventilation shaft that set off a chain reaction and exploded the Death Star. He won state the next day.

One time a kid suggested the best way to stop Vince Young from charging was to take away his credit cards. But Vince still trampled the little bastard and afterwards said, "I got Speedpass, bitch."

At a press conference a few days ago a naïve reporter asked Vince Young if he felt intimidated by USC. Vince simply smiled and replied, "Intimidated of what?" as the reporter's face began to melt away and his internal organs spontaneously combusted.

You know when reporters ask coaches and players if they're thinking about some big game that may be a few weeks or even months away and the coach or player gets all indignant and takes the politically correct stance by saying, "No way, we're thinking about the next game," even if the next game is against Creampuff State? Well thank goodness we don't have to deal with that bullshit anymore this season because I can tell you with no uncertainty, it doesn't get any better or bigger than...

The hype surrounding the Rose Bowl right now is so palpable (even though it's still a month away) I can't even relax and enjoy the fact that the Longhorns are actually in the National Championship. Seriously, it's been nearly 25 years since we've been this close to college football immortality and all anyone wants to talk about is how we're going to stop Reggie Bush and the USC offensive juggernaut. So much for that "life's a journey, not a destination" crap, the only people enjoying the ride right now are the ticket scalpers.

As for the game, wow, where do you start? How about on defense because there probably won’t be much of it in this game. I think the simplest way to stop USC's offense is to keep them off the field. Vince hasn't run the ball as much this season, but nothing demoralizes an opposing defense quite like a QB who converts 3rd and long situations with his legs. So I say let VY be VY. No big secret here, but if UT can move the sticks, eat up clock and above all else, AVOID THE TURNOVERS, they've got a good shot.

On the other side of the ball, Texas' defense is going to have to pick their poison. Since Reggie Bush seems to be the most dynamic scoring threat Southern Cal's got, then I say start the game by focusing on him. And even though this will probably allow Leinart to burn you a couple of times, it's better than getting into a track meet with Reggie. Also, UT didn't end that Colorado QB's season by accident. Texas' D hits hard and they're going to need to get some hits on Leinart early and shake him up a bit. The Horns can’t afford to be too conservative, they need to blitz on 1st and 2nd downs. USC is going to score some points, but if UT's D makes USC trade touchdowns for field goals like they did in the Ohio State game, that will be a big plus.

Finally, special teams have to got to come up big. Field position will be a huge factor in determining the winner of this game. I still contend that Texas would have beaten Michigan by three touchdowns last year if our special teams hadn't given the Wolverine offense the ball near midfield after every kick-off. Teams like USC thrive on short field situations. It can't happen if UT wants to win. And just like they've done on many occasions this year, the punt return team needs to come up huge again by either blocking a punt or getting solid returns. And all I can say if it comes down to a field goal to win the game is pray.

So just who will win this clash of college football titans? Well what are the odds, I'm 12-0 this year on predicting the winner of UT games and therefore feel more than qualified, in fact I’d say obligated, to bring you the...

Texas 47
Troy-Boys in the Hood 37

#2 Texas vs. #1 Southern Cal (This game’s big, yeah-yeah-yeah) - How fitting that the biggest game of the year (It’s not small, no-no-no) is also the most difficult one to attend (“Who does #2 work for?”). Not only is the game being played in Pasadena (I love a parade) in the middle of the work week (Bueller, Bueller, Bueller...), tickets for the game are next to impossible to get (Did you check the Lost and Foundation?). Even the tickets located in the end zone are going for upwards of $900 (Where are your tickets? Bend over and I’ll show you.) Kick-off for the National Championship (Got to be in it to win it) has been set for 5pm PST (Hey, it really is “5 o’clock some where”), but the gates around the stadium (Have fun storming the castle boys!) will be opened up for tailgating at 8am (Can you beer-bong a Half-Caf Mocha Latte?). Be advised, driving around Los Angeles isn't exactly easy (Can’t get off of that LA Freeway) and because it's a work day (You have 37 messages), the highways will be particularly congested (road-rageous) during morning and afternoon rush hours (Where are Paunch and John when you need them?). So get to the stadium early (He who hesitates, masturbates) and let’s bring home the big one (Finish it!).

Vince Young, when asked by reporters if Texas was intimidated by USC...

"We have guys on this team who are gangsta. You see their guys talking trash to other teams and the other guys aren't talking back. Our guys will talk trash too."

TRANSLATION: USC, we’re going to kick your ass!



Post a Comment

<< Home