WARNING: Due to extenuating circumstances, today's commentary is of a frank and explicit nature, mainly due to the fact that I am pissed off like Clark W. Griswald with no Christmas bonus…
“If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one - I want the manager from the Ramada Inn in College Station brought here, today, and I want him brought from his cozy booth at the Dixie Chicken with all the other fat fucks on Highway 6 and I want him brought right here with a big burnt orange bow wrapped around his head so I can look him right in the eyes and tell him what a cheap, lying, no breakfast serving, no good, rotten, four flushing, middle of the night prank calling, low life, sheep fucking, dirt eating, inbred, over stuffed, ignorant, blood sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat ass, bug eyed, hair lipped, worm headed, sack of monkey shit he is, alleluia, holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?”
It's over man -
“Whoa, whoa! Nobody's giving up on this season, no sir, this is a full blown, 4-alarm emergency here. We're going to press on and have the hap, hap, happiest Big XII Championship since Johnny Mac rolled the dice with Tom "f*cking" Osborne, and when those Cornhuskers drive down to San Antonio, they're going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the Alamo.”
How 86,000 people ever made it through one stoplight and into that abomination they call Kyle Field, I'll never know. After crossing the rail road tracks among herds of Maroon and White clad Aggie mourners, Maura and I thought we were in a bad remake of Steinbechs "Grapes of Wrath". After the turbulent events of last week, we expected an uneventful, somber football game. Wrong! Looking back I probably should of guessed we were in deep shit when the Aggies spent all week telling us how they were going to put the rivalry aside for a year and the first words out of the crowd's mouths was "beat the hell out of TU, whoop!" I swear, after all the outpouring of support and restraint from Texas fans to show their distaste for a hated rival, the "noble men of Kyle" proved once again why they can't even be trusted to guard a fire hydrant. They showed absolute disrespect by keeping the Texas team up half the night with prank calls and then the hotel greeted them bright and early with no breakfast. How the hell can you play a football game on an hour's worth of sleep and a Breakfast Jack? I don't give a shit if it was hot, fresh and made to order, this whole thing stinks. Starting QB goes down with a case of the bends the night before the game and the refs wouldn't know the meaning of the word "impartial" if you clocked them upside the head with a copy of Webster's Unabridged. It's called home cooking laced with food poisoning. Excuses, excuses, your damn right. We still should have won the game. Whatever, next year come hell or high water it's going to be payback. Even if I have to drive a late model, Ford Festiva right into the middle of the hotel lobby and take a shit in their scrambled eggs, the Aggies are going to get what's coming to them. I wouldn't worry about the rivalry, it's back on and more reheated then ever. Man I really hate those Aggies.
I guess God decided the Aggies had lost enough for one week and just didn't need to lose again. Even with Major Applewhite on the sideline upchucking everything he had been thankful for, the Longhorns took a commanding 16-6 lead into the locker room at halftime. Simms played out of his mind for two quarters completing passes, converting first downs and giving Horns fans a promising glimpse of the future. The defense was solid, stuffing the run and shutting down the Aggie offense even when they got the ball deep in Texas territory. "Two quarters to go, let's just get out of town with a win." I imagine that's about the extent of what was said at halftime. During the halftime show, the Texas band played "Amazing Grace" and though it may have been played out of respect for the fallen, it marked the death of the usually potent Longhorn offense. Texas didn't get a first down until late in the 4th quarter, on a last minute drive, with a quarterback who's tank was on empty. The Aggies on the other hand capitalized on great field position scoring two touch downs which can both be credited to a suspect Texas secondary. I don't want to place all the blame on one person for a team loss, but Ahmad Brooks looked more like a piece of burnt toast smothered in grape jelly than a cornerback defending the pass. Four times, four crucial plays in the second half, Brooks was stride for stride with the Aggie receiver and four times A&M came down with the ball, including the game winning touchdown. Crazy Carl, you got your ears on? Your big rig needs a realignment before Big Red runs it over. Moving on. Let's talk about today's "specials". That would be one Hot Crossbar Buns, one open faced blocked punt and one "watch out hon, don't touch it, this ball is hot". Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. I don't care if the only thing Courtney Garcia did was talk dirty to that football, he never should have been near it. It was obvious after the first quarter that the refs weren't going to give any calls to Texas. Whether that's fair or not, it's life. We can not afford to keep putting the special back in special teams. It has been a major factor in all three losses. Three blocks vs. NC State, punting to David Allen and Kansas State, and now losing field position against A&M. That Aggie punter pinned us deep the whole second half. We didn't have a chance. And if matters couldn't be worse, we have the Cornhuskers coming to Texas with visions of national championships dancing in their heads.
THE NEXT GAME
"Is anybody going back to San Antone, or Phoenix, Arizona?"
"Anywhere's all right with me, if it's not the Holiday Bowl-a"
That song by the Texas Tornados couldn't be more right on. If the Horns do the unthinkable and beat the Huskers for the fourth straight time, they are on their way to the Fiesta Bowl. If not, we're probably on the way to the Culligan Holiday Bowl against one of the Pac 10's finest. I've been told that the Cotton Bowl can ill afford to take a team with 4 losses when they are so desperately fighting for major bowl legitimacy. It's funny how fast your season goes from the Sugar Bowl to the Toilet Bowl. But let's not call Dr. Jack Kavorkian yet. He's busy in Jail getting his own injection, if you know what I mean, and we still have one more game to play. Two schools of thought when playing the Huskers. One, the huskers beat the Horns except for some untimely turnovers the first time they played and will not make the same mistakes twice. Plus, it's almost impossible to beat a comparable team twice in one season, just ask Florida State. On the other hand, Texas figured the Black Shirts out in the second half of their previous meeting and will know how to beat them again. With all things being equal (they're not), the Cornhuskers need to run the score up to convince the BCS they are more worthy than V-Tech to play in the national championship. They are going to be pressing. Texas is going to be relaxed and pissed off about last Friday. Lastly, Nebraska is ranked #3 in the country, we always beat #3. Which leads me to this weeks Unpredictable prediction: Cornhuskers will be heading back to Nebraska remembering the Alamo, because it's going to be another blood bath in the dome. Horns roll the dice again, taking two at home to complete the season sweep thus becoming the first team to win two Big XII Championships.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"We really appreciate all the support coming from Texas fans after the accident." - Aggie Fan
"Thank you, I'm sure you all would have done the same for us if the situation was reversed." - Me
"I doubt it." - Aggie Fan
That right there pretty much sums it all up. 362 days and counting.