Texas 29, Texas Tech 17

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED ON MY TRIP TO LUBBOCK

10) Closest thing to a mountain range is the head Texas Tech twirler and I'll be damned if she can't spit better than you.

9) Except for one area affectionately called "the strip" - which can only be described as Disney Land on crack - you can not buy beer in Lubbock.

8) Like Bobby Sue McJimbob always says about her kin: "the trash don't fall far from the can."

7) Kalf Fries prove once again that people will eat anything if their high.

6) Even though it's not in Indiana, Jones Stadium is the "TTemple of Doom."

(If you've ever been there and seen the two red neon T's, you'll know what I mean.)

5) The Gay Bladed Raider Red, really wants to get medieval on Bevo's Lubbutocks.

4) Senior Bueno says at Tech, they toss their tortillas by hand.

3) Only thing Red Raider hand gesture good for is checking your prostate.

2) Because at rivalry rich Texas Tech, "if it ain't broke, it's probably a tradition."

And the #1 thing I learned on my trip to Lubbock:

1) Too many people with DUI's, not enough with IUD's.

THE GAME

Red Raider, Red Rover let Hodges run over - to the tune of 229 yards on 45 carries. Evidentially when Texas signed Hodges Mitchell they picked up the unlimited mileage option because they ran him just about ever other play. And it's a good thing they did because with his arm, Applewhite couldn't toss a tortilla, much less a football. Roy Williams, who grew up in nearby Odessa, had to be the most frustrated man at Jones Field because even though he had the Tech DB beat several times, Major couldn't manage to get him the ball, under throwing it badly on one occasion. But despite blowing a 16-point lead, Texas beat Tech 29-17 behind two Hodges Mitchell touchdowns, 5 Kris Stockton field goals (that's pathetic) and 5 Tech turnovers (even more pathetic). Three times, including the first drive of the game, Texas got within five yards of the end zone and couldn't convert. The real story of the game however, was the five Texas Tech turnovers. Fortunately for Texas, the Red Raiders used their guns to shoot themselves in the foot rather than shoot holes in the Texas defense. The secondary still hasn't figured out how to defend the deep fade route. If I was coaching Kansas or A&M, I'd throw it all day. But again, a win is a win and I guess we'll take it.

APPLEWHITE

According to the MRI, Major has a sprained ligament in his right knee and won't play this weekend. It may be too quick to call, but I think you may have seen the last of Applewhite as the starter. His knees are really starting to limit his mobility and he can no longer move around the pocket like he used too. On several occasions he has had no choice but to tuck the ball away and just take an earhole shot from a blitzing defender. Personally, I feel bad for Applewhite, but I'm excited about seeing what Simms does when he doesn't have to throw the ball while looking back over his shoulder trying to see if the coach is going to yank him out or not. I think Simms will rise to the occasion and what better team to do it against but the Kansas Jayhawks. Which brings us to the....

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Kansas fans before the Texas sized ass whipping: Rock-chalk-Jayhawk

Kansas fans after the Texas sized ass whipping: Suck-cock-gayhawk

TAILGATE UPDATE

Lawrence, Kansas, an oasis in the middle of a wheat field. I've never been but I've heard good things. We will be flying up to KC this Friday and drive the yellow brick road (hopefully sober) to Lawrence Saturday morning.