Texas 56, North Texas 7

As many of you know, this commentary is not about X's and O's, regurgitating statistics or even breaking down the last game, it's all about the experience. So what was it like at the Royal Palace when the Horns took the not-so Mean Green behind the woodshed for a thorough 56-7 whipping? Well, you know, it was hot. Hey, they don't pay me nothing for nothing. But how hot was it you ask. Well...


- I experienced severe Crotch Viscosity and Thermal Nutsack Breakdown during the first TV timeout

- Freshman QB Colt McCoy connected on 12 of 19 and changed his name to “$2-Pistol”

- Al Gore passed out an eco-conscious tailgaters cookbook called "Global Frying"

- Astronomers thought they’d discovered a sun spot, but it was actually UT’s new scoreboard

- Limas Sweed melted the Mean Green secondary for 111 yards and two TDs

- Paris Hilton released a new video of herself failing a breathalyzer test – now that’s hot!

- Chuck Norris saw his shadow and declared summer would last 6 more weeks

- The "Hell Raisers" became the "Hell Greeters"

- The street value of snow cones surpassed that of cocaine


- Speedy Texas defensive players Tarell Brown and Tyrell Gatewood joined forces to become...

Barely one week into the season and Mack's team theme has already gone from "Do What You Can Do" to "Have Gun Will Unravel." I doubt we'll ever know all the details of what went down at 2:48 a.m. last Monday morning when the “Bonghorns” took on the APD in a game of Taser Tag. Bottom line, regardless of whether Tyrell Gatewood's 9mm was registered and the marijuana belonged to Aaron Harris, the fact of the matter is, our best shutdown corner, Tarell Brown is suspended and the only player with a "Get out of jail free" card right now appears to be Teddy Ginn Jr. who will undoubtedly roam our secondary like Bevo in a china shop.

Part of me says, "What the hell were those guys thinking?," and part of me says, "If half the crap I pulled in college was published in the paper, you’d be reading 54b’s Jackass Commentary right about now." We probably shouldn't rush to judgment without having all the facts. Still, you’d like to think the players would have been smarter than to jeopardize a chance to play in the biggest game of the season by staying out all night. But then again, once you’ve played in and won a national championship, maybe everything else just doesn’t matter and apathy sets in. Regardless, everyone loses when something like this happens.

As for the game, it doesn’t get any bigger than #1 vs. #2 and that rarely happens in the regular season. This is easily the biggest college football game ever to be played in Austin. And if you couldn’t tell that from all the hype, then you'd sure be able to if you tried to scalp tickets. Hopefully the game is a lot of fun and lives up to the hype. I’ve got to believe that the Longhorns can take this latest hiccup in stride and that they'll be ready for whatever the Buckeyes throw at them. Having Chizik certainly helps, and I’m sure he’s devised ways of getting help for those young corners who will be stepping up in Tarell Brown’s absence. Even Ginn said recently that he expected Aaron Ross to be covering him most of the night.

Besides being #1 vs. #2, it’s almost the perfect match-up...tOSU’s seasoned offence vs. UT’s seasoned defense and tOSU’s revamped defense vs. UT’s freshman QB lead offense. Mack Brown’s sweet coif vs. Jim Tressel’s tight vest. You get the point. Anyway, my keys for a Longhorn victory are pretty simple: No turnovers and win the punting game. Colt McCoy will really benefit from short field situations, as I don’t think he’s consistent enough to take UT on 15 play scoring drives like VY did. Plus, I don’t think Colt’s got the long ball threat him in him just yet, even with Pitman and Sweed flying down the field. After that it’s up to the defense. The farther tOSU has to go to score, the better. But that isn’t exactly expert analysis, now is it? But if you want to know who’s going to win, take a look at the...

In case any of you are looking for a few last minute ideas for your ESPN Gameday cardboard signs...

Hey Tressel, is your vest bulletproof like Maurice’s?

Ohio State refugees report to the Super Drum

I know VY, and you Troy Smith, are no VY

Watch out Teddy, our secondary is “loaded”

Vince who? We got Chuck Norris

Michigan squealed less than tOSU when we beat them

Our scoreboard craps bigger than you

We may be high, but at least we don't smoke dumpsters

You can dot the “I”, but don't cross the “T”

Longhorns 20, Suckeyes 19

An estimated 40,000 Buckeyes (You must be nuts) are expected to visit Austin this weekend (That’ll keep it weird) despite only receiving 4,000 tickets from UT’s ticket office (1-800-GOT-BEVO). In anticipation of their arrival (Release the bats), the Austin Ohio State Alumni Club (The Buckeyes of Texas are upon you) were allowed to rent out the Frank Erwin Center (The Super Dumb) and Stubb’s Bar-B-Q (That really pulls my pork). On top of that, Fowler, Corso and Herbstreet (What about Big and Rich) are coming back (To Yo City). The GameDay set built by The Home Depot (Black & Decker set erecter) will be located inside the Mike Myers Track Stadium (does my javelin make you horny?), which is across the street (look both ways before you drink) from Royal-Memorial Stadium (The Stockade). The area designated for the fans (Longhorns unlimited) opens at 7am (Stampede!). Afterwards, head back over to San Jac and 18th (take it downtown) for the tailgate party (needa fajita?). Whittemore and the gang (Righteous Dudes) will have the beer trailer (no last call on that U-Haul) and BBQ smoker ("that thing got a HEMI") in the usual spot (fear change). And of course, don't forget to chip in (use your wedge) a couple bucks to help out with the parking fees (this ain't Monopoly, fool).

"So what time’s the tailgate start next week?"
"People will probably start showing up around 9."
"Really? The game doesn't even start until 7 p.m.!"
"Yeah, well you can't drink all day unless you start in
the morning."


PS. I miss the Croc Hunter.


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