Texas 42, K-State 45


So there I was on Southwest Airlines flight 2040 on my way up to Kansas City last Saturday to meet some friends and drive over for the Texas/K-State imbroglio. The friendly skies were painfully blue and the weather forecast called for cool and sunny conditions all day strong. Plus, I had enough free drink coupon booklets to get Boarding Group A and half of B shit faced. What could be better? “Um, this is your pilot speaking...we’re expecting a rough flight up to KC and for safety reasons, we’ve suspended our beverage service for this flight.” Translation: DING! You are now free to remain in your seat and pout like a petulant child.

Let’s face it, not being able to use your free drink coupons is like getting kicked out of the strip club before you had a chance to use all your Peek-a-boo Dance Dollars. And it’s not like you can turn those babies in for a free Gordita down at the All-Night Taco Bell, believe me, I’ve tried...um, perhaps I’ve shared too much. Anyway, what’s even worse, we didn’t even experience one tremor the entire flight up to KC and the irony of the moment was further personified when a grumpy old man with a “condition” decided he’d had enough and ambled to and from the lavatory right past two, heavily strapped in flight attendants who tried to act like they were in imminent danger. Don’t you just know Mary Jo and Charlene were praying for any kind of turbulence to knock that old man flat on his enlarged prostate. Retrospectively speaking, that pilot’s miscalculated decree was probably the first of many signs that 11/11 wasn’t going to be a very sobering day for me and the Longhorns.

Fortunately for you, the impressionable reader, I don’t post this commentary until well after the game has ended and I’ve had a chance to cool off with Dr. Sock Puppet and sleep off my rage. Otherwise, instead of a relaxing stroll down memory lane, you’d be treated to an expletive-laden NC-17 rant normally reserved for Immature Audiences only. Because like many of you, I was really, really, really pissed last weekend. No disrespect to Ron Prince and K-State, as they were simply the better team that night, but somebody please explain to me why we can’t hold onto the ball (Selvin, Jamaal, admit it, you have a fumbling problem) and play a simple zone or cover-2 pass defense. Hey Mack, we’re glad you’ve “identified the problems” and “you’re working hard to correct them,” but that’s what you say after you lose a game in Week 2, not Week 11. Guess what, if it hasn’t been corrected by now, it’s not gonna because you can’t coach speed, heart and depth perception.

Oh well it’s futile to rehash the game any further because it’s not like there’s anything we can say or do to change the outcome nor increase our chances at another BCS title. And try as we might, there’s just no explaining that dreadful 3-minute span in the 3rd quarter when all hell broke loose. Sometimes it’s best to let it go and simply say it just wasn’t meant to be. And if that line of bullshit doesn’t make you feel any better, then you’re welcome to take couple of Valium and try traversing my ever so therapeutic...


SHOCK - Did we just get out-coached by the dad from Fresh Prince of Bellaire...Colt got one little stinger and Mack got scared, and said you’re sitting on the bench next to that thing blowing hot air.

EXPRESSION OF EMOTION - “Jamaal, who taught you how to fumble like that? It was you, Selvin. I learned it by watching you! Alright!”

DEPRESSION/LONELINESS - I've seen fire and I've seen rain...I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end...I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...But I always thought the Longhorns would win

“What seems to be the problem sir?”
“It’s my heart Doc, I think it’s broken.”
“Sounds serious. How do you feel about a CT-Scan, an MRI and a full rectal probe?”
“I think I feel much better, thanks.”

PANIC – (FBI Headquarters) “Okay, let’s go over this once more, this time for the record...you got upset at ABC commentator Doug Flutie for, and I quote, ‘jinxing Texas and causing them to lose,’ so you sent a threatening email to his Foundation for Autistic Children.” (Apparently that guy missed the memo entitled, “Texas Fans – Make Us Proud”)

GUILT – “This is all my fault. I should have waited until the bye-week to wash my lucky underwear. But 11 games in a row is tough, you know. Plus, people were starting to ask questions and I didn’t have any matches left.”

ANGER/RESENTMENT - (Sarcastic, Top Gun style) “Gee Aaron, didn’t you guys win too? Oh hell no, we got our butts kicked. I said to Terrell, where’d the receiver go. And Terrell said, WHERE’D WHO GO?”

RESISTANCE - "Well you can just tell that Deloss Dodds and the Longhorn Foundation where they can stick my donation."

HOPE - "Yes, I'd like to confirm my hotel reservation in Glendale and go ahead and book me on one of those super savor flights to Phoenix for New Years. Non-refundable, you betcha."

ACCEPTANCE - Believe it or not, Texas really did lose to K-State. The national championship hunt is over. But life goes on and fortunately for us, there's still a shot at another Big XII Title (something we should never take for granted) still attainable provided we win the...

As frustrating as that loss to K-State was for Texas, Longhorn fans don’t even know the meaning of the word frustrated when compared to the recent plight of the Aggie. Not only has it been about eight years since A&M fielded a team of national relevance, but this year the schedule was tailor-made for a break out season with home games against Tech, OU and Nebraska. The folks in Aggieland probably ran out of patience with Fran and the Athletic Department last year after A&M failed to go to a bowl game, but after losing in the final seconds to Tech, OU, and Nebraska (all games they could have easily won), I’m surprised Kyle Field is still standing. A win over Texas next Friday is likely Franchione’s last chance to save face and perhaps, keep his job. So it’s hard to know what kind of Aggie team shows up in Austin. Either they’re going to rally and play their butts off for Fran, or they’re going to play like they’re being coached by a lame duck.

As for UT, it’s really simple. Beat A&M and ensure a spot in the Big XII Championship. Lose, and OU probably takes their place. If that’s not enough motivation for the running backs to hold on to the ball and the DB’s to cover, I don’t what is. My key for this game is simply for the Horns to limit the turnovers and take it to the Ags from the get-go. If Texas can get an early lead on A&M, I think UT wins going away. But the longer they let A&M stick around, the worse it’s going to get as the pressure will build and force our players to play tight where as A&M will be playing with nothing to lose (except for their head coach). Of course, it’s not like Texas isn’t used to coming from behind either, so who knows. Let’s just hope the week off allows Colt and the rest of the team to heal and come out ready. So who’s going to win, on to the...

Did it ever occur to anyone else that a tradition is simply something we repeat year after year because we can’t think of anything else better to do? Yeah, I thought so. For another year in a row, I’m pleased to whip you with another rendition of...

"The Thanksgiving Song"
(If Adam Sandler were a Longhorn)

Love to beat Aggies. Love to beat A-a-a-gies!!!

Love to beat Aggies cause it's good,
love to beat Aggies like a good Horn should,
'cause they're Aggies....they whoop....how rude

Aggies lost three, just lost to NU,
Their offense stinks, so does the Wrecking Crew
Love to beat those Aggies from College Station,
Freshmen report Aggie Fish camp for indoctrination.

Aggies like to stand all game long,
Texas is favored, Vegas can't be wrong
Aggie-faggie foo and Aggie-faggie fat,
A&M once had an LB whose name is Dat.

Thanksgiving is a special night,
If you yell TEXAS, I'll yell FIGHT,
that's RIGHT.

Aggies have a coach, Franchione is his name,
Fran’s gonna get canned if they lose another game,
Watching the game, drinking a Bud,
can't believe Old Sarge looks like Elmer Fudd.

Offense, Defense, we just can't lose,
Colt ran a quarterback sneak and he got a bruise
Aggies on the run from dawn to early morn',
It'll never be over 'till Gabriel blows his horn.

Beat those Aggies - put 'em 6 feet deep,
Poor Aggies like to fornicate with their sheep,
A&M's uniforms are maroon and white,
Texas will go to the Fiesta Bowl if they win outright.

Oh, Aggies in the corps are called the noble men of Kyle,
But they're about as close to real soldiers as Gomer Pyle
Gobble gobble goo and gobble gobble Gig'em,
I don't like those Aggies and I hope we beat'em

Oh, Texas loves to beat Aggies on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Texas 36
Fran’s Last Stand 16

Kick-off against the Aggies (Sorry, Agro-Americans) is set for 11am at Royal Memorial Stadium (If it smells like a bar, it’s DKR). So if you Longhorn faithful (Bevocrats) can manage to wake up after all that turkey and dressing (Triptophane Gravy Train), stop on by the tailgate at 18th and San Jac (Libation Station) where Whittemore and the Gang (Purveyors O'Pork) will have their own assortment of meats (A veritable Carn-i-copia) from the grill available for your consumption (“Save the neck for me, Clark”). And don’t forget say thank you for all they do by donating a couple of bucks (Hey, it's Thanksgiving, not Thanks-taking).

Response to a rather rude K-State fan who suggested things would be a lot better if the Longhorn fans would just leave...
“Oh, you’re so nice...By the way, I’m on the Emerald Nut Bowl Selection Committee. I’ll be sure and put a good word in for K-State.”


PS. Special thanks and congrats to my friends and Wildcat alums, Sun Dee and Matt for dragging me halfway across Kansas and back last Saturday. Manhattan is nothing like I expected. Going in, I sort of thought it might be like the Waco of the North, but it’s a cool, little college town. They’ve got a great drag called Aggieville (like a mini 6th street) full of college bars and eateries and their tailgating scene around the stadium is on par with the better pre-game party schools in the Big XII. As for the fans, for the most part, they were pretty nice. Horns up.


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