Texas 52, Rice 7

Like most Longhorns fans (given the number of empty seats in Reliant Stadium), I called in sick for Texas’ latest lopsided win over Rice. And even though I was able to intermittently watch the game on TV while futilely trying to contain my two-year old’s latest art project -- “Abstract Queso on Coffee Table” -- I mostly relied on press clippings to find out exactly what happened down in Houston last Saturday night when the Longhorns plucked the Owls 52-7.

Unfortunately, in our brave new PC world, the truth can often set you free from your job and anything controversial will be deemed an act of sedition resulting in a fine from big brother. So I’ve taken it upon myself to exercise my 1st Amendment right and write between the behinds so you the enlightened reader can comprehend the underlying meaning of the coaches, players, and sports writers quotes in a little piece I like to call the...

(Actual quotes from the post game press conference)

“Texas ran with ease, its defense was stifling and Colt McCoy was sharp. Texas (2-1) easily avoided losing two straight games for the first time since 1999 and rebounded from last week's loss to Ohio State while Rice (0-3) has lost 19 of its last 20.” - Kristie Reiken, AP

Translation: When the going gets tough, the tough get going by kicking the crap out of the nearest little, nerd they can find.

“Though Texas had its way with the Owls on both sides of the ball, coach Mack Brown was concerned with the number of penalties his team had. The Longhorns committed a school-record 19 penalties for 148 yards.” - Kristie Reiken, AP

Translation: The only thing Mack was concerned about was Mathew McConaughey jumping out from behind a water cooler with a blunt and some bongos. Nobody gives a rat’s fat ass if you jump offsides when you’re winning by forty. Besides, records were meant to be broken, why should this one be any different?

"It was way too many penalties for our standards. It's no question about it, we've got to get it cleaned up." - Offensive Coordinator Greg Davis

Translation: I love lamp.

"Their defensive line was yelling things. They did a great job of yelling and moving around and throwing us off." - Texas QB Colt McCoy

Translation: The Owls D-Line was yelling all right...yelling things like, “Mr. Studdard, please don’t hurt me, here, take my lunch money” and “I’ll have your Calculus homework done right after halftime Mr. Blalock.”

"We work on stripping drills all the time and I just did it like the drills and the ball just came up." Texas DE Tim Crowder who forced a fumble

Translation: Actually, I said, give me that ball mother f*cker or I’ll cap you with Tyrell’s 9mm.

“Most of the Texas starters were on the bench by the fourth quarter, but the backups still managed to tack on one more touchdown when Henry Melton scored on a 5-yard run.” - Kristie Reiken, AP

Translation: If force equals mass times acceleration, Henry Melton equals a 275-pound can of whoop ass.

“My guys up front did a great job blocking, and I just had to make maybe one or two guys miss, from there it was to the house.” - Texas CB Aaron Ross who returned a punt for a TD

Translation: On my way to the end zone I had time to stop and tie my shoes, call my grandma, fix a sandwich, cure cancer...

"Being able to score seven points at the end may not mean much to some people, but it meant a lot to us as we keep fighting until the end." Rice QB Joel Armstrong

Translation: Winners never quit and quitters never win, but people who never win and never quit, should be put to sleep.

"We did a horrible job of getting them (Rice Owls) prepared to play this game. Texas is a very, very good football team and you absolutely cannot come out and not be ready to play." - Rice Coach, Todd Graham

Translation: I feel like General Custer when he failed to show game film of the Sioux to the Seventh Calvary before the battle of the Little Big Horn.

"We're growing as a team. We're trying to figure out who we are." - Texas Head Coach Mack Brown

Translation: Without Vince around, 50 Cent just doesn’t sound the same on my iPod.

I think that about clears things up. On to the...

According to Vegas, Texas should win this game by three touchdowns but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Iowa State play some inspired ball on Saturday. The last two times they came to Austin, the Cyclones played UT pretty close. Texas needed a last second field goal to win 8 years ago and had to overcome a first-half deficit to win 4 years ago. From what I saw of ISU a week ago against Iowa, I’d say the key is simply containing Cyclone QB Brett Meyer. Often times, he likes to wait for his protection to break down and tucks the ball to run. I’ve got to believe Texas has the team speed on defense to negate his attempts and if he does choose to pass, we should be ready with our secondary in tact. As far as UT’s offesne goes, a lot has been made about Colt McCoy’s inability to throw it down field. Well, supposedly the Cyclones sport one of the weakest secondary units in D-1, so given that we know UT can run on anybody in the country, Colt should have a big day through the air as ISU will load up to stop the run. But will be enough to win, for that we head to the...

Perhaps some of you have heard the feel-good story of the year involving Jamaal Charles who, after being given the cell phone number of an 11-year old Longhorns fan, called the young lady up to say thank you for her support. So I figured, why not jump on the fan wagon and called up my 13-year old cousin to get her thoughts on the game. Here’s what she had to say...

“Okay, like, I don’t EVEN know where Iowa State is or whatever. But in school we learned that like Cyclones, are like killer. We’re talkin’ muis dangeroso. Like in that movie Twister and stuff. I saw it when I was like seven and was TOTALLY freaked out for Hellen Hunt cuz you know, she looked like a fat troll. HELLO lypo. What was she thinking? Doesn’t matter, her drama’s so played out anyway. So like what were you tripping about again, oh yeah, the Longhorns or something. They’re like my absolute fave and I don’t even like football, but my mom says I have to watch them if I want boys to like me. Stupid boys. But like duh, of course I’m gonna watch. It would be like all rarrr not to and what if I ran into that hotty Mathew McCauneghey and he like asked me if I saw the game and I went all retard on him because I was hanging with my chicas. I could just die. You know, plus he’s like friends with Jake and Lance and they’re like so hot right now...CLICK”

Longhorns 52
Insane Cy-clown Posse 13

Hey, what a shocker (Lance Bass is gay, who knew), another steamy midday summer start time at Royal Memorial (“El Nino means The Nino”). Kick-off for the game (Send in the Cy-clowns) is set for 2:30 and the weather forecast (precipitation prognostication) is calling for isolated thunderstorms and highs in the upper 90s (How hot and wet do you like it?). But that certainly is no excuse (No playa haters) not to get your butt down to the tailgate (Only playa participators) for a a few pre-game beverages (Hooray Beer!). Whittemore and the gang (Libation Army) will have the tailgate jumping as usual (Off the tizzy-gizzy fo shizzy). So stop by, grab some beef off the grill (a veritable carnicopia), and don't forget to pitch in a few bucks for their efforts (Snaps for the Petro).

"Is it just me or are all the Rice players playing like they've still got to go home and write a paper tonight?"



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