Texas 28, OU 10

“What time is it? It’s 28 to 10 and OU still sucks!”

That’s corny as hell, but doesn’t it feel good? Call me crazy, drunk, Kim Jong-il, or what you will, but I may just feel even better after UT's comeback victory over the dreaded Sooners last Saturday than I did after Texas beat USC last January for the title. I know it’s probably just the Corndog reflux talking, but when you live in Dallas surrounded by Sooner Nationals, your life as a Longhorns fan is a never ending living hell, especially after a loss to OU.

No doubt the win over the Sooners puts UT firmly in the diver's seat to win the Big XII South and keeps the Horns slim hopes for defending their national title alive, but most of all and most importantly to me, it means another year, 365 days, free of torment and ridicule at the hands of OU fans....no horns-down hand gestures, no obnoxious car flags, no photo-shopped pics of Mack Brown in compromising man-love scenes, and best of all, no more harassing calls and emails. And if an OU fan forgets that they just got taken behind the woodshed, like silly Sooners often will, you simply have to smile in their general direction and say, “Scoreboard, now go feed your llama!”

Speaking of unsolicited Sooner correspondence...as I recall, didn’t OU's basketball program get into a little trouble with the NCAA a few months ago for making oh about 577 illegal phone calls to prospective recruits. Well it looks like ex-Sooner basketball coach Kelvin Sampson put Bob Stoops on his “Friends and Inbreds” calling plan because old Bob's been getting awfully chummy with high school quarterback John Brantley of Ocala, Florida who, as it just so happens, orally committed to come play ball for Texas. In fact, Stoops flew all the way to Florida the night before OU’s game against Middle Tennessee just to watch Brantley (JB#12) play. And “allegedly,” Big Game Bob’s (BGB) been text messaging the young phenom ever since. Here’s a transcript of an IM exchange handed over to Ocala Police Department entitled...


BGB: Hey champ, saw you play, you'd look great in crimson and cream

JB#12: Dude, are you Mark Foley?

BGB: No, it's Big Game Bob Stoops, coach of OU

JB#12: What big game?

BGB: Orange Bowl, 2000, silly

JB#12: What about Orange Bowl, 2004?

BGB: Refs screwed us

JB#12: Maybe you should write a letter

BGB: I did. Hey do you like magic?

JB#12: Are you sure you're not Mark Foley?

BGB: No, Sooner Magic. You can be a part of it

JB#12: Why would I want to do that?

BGB: Cuz you can be my starting QB

JB#12: But I committed to Texas

BGB: Is it because you’re Horny?

JB#12: What? I just like the program and Mack Brown

BGB: Tell Rosco to forget it, Adrian Peterson did

JB#12: Yeah, how's that working out for AD?

BGB: Don't worry, the O-Line’s getting better

JB#12: You mean the JUCO All-Stars?

BGB: Damn it. They jumped off-sides again

JB#12: Are you texting me from practice?

BGB: Yeah, that’s how much you mean to us

JB#12: You sound desperate

BGB: What can I say, I have no QB and my tight-end's name is Joe Jon

JB#12: I bet he likes magic

BGB: LOL...seriously, please come to OU


BGB: What?

JB#12: Not On Your *#&^%@ Life

BGB: :(

JB:12: Don't cry Bob, save it for the refs

Unfortunately, I think Brantley may indeed renege on his oral commitment to Texas as UT is full of young, talented quarterbacks with more on the way. If Brantley chooses OU, he could start right away and rumor has it Stoops is a close friend of the family. But hey, what’s the use in wasting time worrying about a recruit when we’re lucky enough to have a sure thing in Colt McCoy. As the Longhorns starting QB, when you beat the likes of Rice and Iowa State, the fans will smile and pat you on the back. But when you beat OU, they’ll name a building after you. As far as the Longhorn Nation is concerned, McCoy just became a made man. And now that Greg Davis has “turned Colt loose,” it’s going to be a lot more fun watching the Tuscola Gunslinger starting with the...

Don’t you just love how the press will do anything to hype a game even in the face of a 29-point spread? Texas’ game against Baylor and their Air-Bear Offense has been tabbed as a battle for Big XII South supremacy as Baylor actually enters the game undefeated in conference play with wins over K-State and 0-6 Colorado. Normally, I never advise anyone to bet on college football, but if you’re feeling frisky, I’d put a few bucks on the Horns to cover. Now that Baylor’s running a dumbed-down version of Tech’s spread offense, no doubt the game will go on forever because the clock will stop after almost every play giving the Horns many more possessions. Plus, the Bear’s defense couldn’t stop the spread of peanut butter, much less UT’s powerful running game. For more on the score, let’s turn it over to the...

Texas 59
Care Bears 6

A word of caution (Relax, don’t do it), if you see me at a tailgate, please don’t give me any Jell-O Shots (Don’t feed the big dumb animal). Last Saturday’s TX/OU tailgate (Bash before the Clash) started out innocently enough (Just milk for me, thanks), we were just drinking a few beers (Is it noon already?) in the parking lot not too far away from the Cotton Bowl (Laura Miller’s Not-so Extreme Makeover). Then my friend Danny the Sooner got bored (“Let’s go find yur sister”) and decided to walk across the street to another tailgate (Holy sh*t, you like beer, too?) and invite some little vixen name Candice (Tits McGee) and her friends over to our party with a line only the Ladies' Man (“It’s my duty to please that booty”) could be proud of, “Hey ladies, why don’t you ditch the Chess Club and come party with us” (30% of the time, it works every time). And I’ll be damned if Candice and her friends (The Joy Suck Club) and their cooler full of 300 Jell-O Shots (What about the pudding?) didn’t magically appear about two minutes later (Rain, Sleet, or Hoes, they deliver). So now Danny and I are throwing back Jell-O shots (There’s always room for Jell-O) like we were back in college (Good times). Then in an ultimate display of immaturity (Hey, whip it out), Danny and I decided to take the TX/OU Rivalry to whole new level (Lower the bar) as we made our way to the two Port-O-Cans (Loddy-doddy we like to potty) about 100 yards away to engage in Port-O-Potty races (Talk about your Red River Shootout). So he’s in one crapper and I’m in the other (Gentleman, start your bladders) just peeing and singing our respective school’s fight songs (“The One-Eye of Texas is Upon You”) when it dawns on us that we’re not exactly sure how you win a Port-O-Potty race (Rubbin’s racin’, I hope not). Is it the guy who finishes pissing first (Tie it off) or the guy who finishes last? (The lady outside said it’s the guy that doesn’t hit the seat). Whatever, I zip up and tear out of my urinal booth (I like to dump my garbage before going to Light-speed) like I just shot out of a cannon (It burns after I pee) and headed back to the tailgate for, you guessed it, more Jell-O Shots (Watch it wiggle, hear me giggle). Finally, it was game time (Giv’em hell, giv’em hell, OU sucks!), so everyone proceeded to the gate (“Hi, I’m the key master”) and while most of us entered the State Fair (Deep Fat Fryers Club), I apparently entered the Spirit World (“Honey, you’re my butterfly”). I don’t think my wife was amused (ouch, you’re hurting my ear) because when I said, “did you see the size of that chicken,” she replied, “yeah, her name is Candice” (whoops). Next thing I know it’s halftime (Time flies when in you’re in coma), I’ve been baking for two quarters in direct sunlight (At 350-degrees) and I’m dehydrated something fierce (Forgot to add water). Now fully cooked in row 15, section 19 of the Cotton Bowl, I threw up. (Giv’em hurl, giv’em hurl, whoa upchucks) Fortunately, it was only the water my wife had been force feeding me (Is it raining?) and the seats in front of me were empty (“Lucky”), so it wasn’t a total disaster (but Spike Lee’s still doing a requiem about me). But, it did mean we were leaving (What, no kiss goodbye?) and I’d be catching the 4th quarter on the big screen back home (It’s not TV, It’s H-BevO). So did I learn anything from this stupid, embarrassing, and totally inexcusable experience (My liver is not a toy?), of course not. On to the...

Kick-off for the Texas/Baylor Game (I-35 Surprise?) has been set for 6pm (Bedtime for Baptists) and even though the game will probably be a blowout by halftime (Been there, done that) and is being televised on TBS (Ted TV), come on down to the tailgate at San Jacinto and 18th for a few beers anyway (Just Brew It). The weather should be somewhat decent for the first time this season (“It’d be a lot cooler if it was”) and you know Whitemore and the Gang (Hall of Flamers) will have something great cooking on the grill (Make my bear medium-rare). Oh, and please don’t forget to take a second and donate a couple of bucks (Pause for the cause).

"You can't give yourself a nickname, but I'm seriously going to lobby for "Pace Setter" or "Pace Car." With the tolerance of a 13-year old school girl, everyone at the tailgate knows I'm not going to win any pub crawls or even make it through halftime for that matter. My only job is to give the rest of the tailgaters something to aim for. I think it's my calling in life...I’m on the drinking scout team."

“You can talk the talk, but you can’t walk the walk.”
“No, but I can puke the puke.”



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