TX/OU Preview

Considering the Texas Longhorns 56-3 throttling of D-2 Sammy State Bearkats never happened, I repeat never happened, I guess we can get to what everyone’s been talking about for the last two weeks anyway, the annual...

RED RIVER SHOOTOUT
After 10 years in Dallas, basically living at ground zero when it comes to TX/OU, I can tell you from experience that you will never, ever get any satisfaction out of a verbal or written confrontation with a Sooner. It's like arguing apples and Orange Bowls. They have a tremendous football history and so do we, but for some reason, as neighbors and fierce competitors, we will never be able to mutually agree on that fact without trying to one-up or denigrate the other. Here's an example:

OU: "Hey Bonghorn, we’ve got seven titles, four Heismans, and Sooner Magic."
TX: "Oh yeah, hey Spooner, we have the second most wins in NCAA history and we lead the all time series with OU 56 to 39."
OU: "Bite me liberal hippie, only games after 1950 when the ambient temperature was at least 72 degrees and Barry Switzer was sober count...and OU leads that series 1-0."
TX: "Whatever single-branch family tree boy, at least we won the title last year and didn't choke one off to the Trojans."
OU: "That's only cuz you had Vince...let's see Coach Rosco P. Coltrane beat Stoops without him."
TX: "Um, Mack did, it's called 1999, look it up short bus."
OU: "Whatever, doesn't count, Stoops owns Mack 5-2. So why don't you go home and keep Austin weird."
TX: "Gladly, just as soon as you get your ass back to Oklahoma and go feed your llama.”

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. I got so tired of getting mixed up in these exercises in futility, I finally decided to write a form letter to Sooner fans a while back. And if you should find yourself staring at another inflammatory piece of correspondence from an OU fan hell-bent on making your life miserable, I invite you to copy and paste my pat response and send them this reply:

Dear (Sooner Fan),

Thank you for your interest in the great state of Texas, though your feedback regarding its namesake institution of higher learning and its football program are unwarranted, unsolicited and most certainly, unwelcome.

That being said, I have nothing but pity in my heart for you. In fact, I pity all OU fans who wake each day to the realization that no matter how many titles you win, how many trophies you put in your Barry Switzer Memorial Weight Room and Gun Range, or how many times you tell yourselves that you matter, you will still have to retire to your doublewide meth-lab on the Llama farm as another burnt orange sun casts a relentless reminder that your entire existence is predicated on the futile pursuit of seeking acceptance from a group of students, faculty and alumnae who barely know you're alive save one weekend in October every year. You truly are a self-loathing lot of fools.

So go ahead, give me OU's football resume for the 100th time. Tell me how Mack Brown wins in spite of himself and how he looks like an inept sheriff from a low brow 80's sitcom. Tell me again what a bunch of gay, dope smoking Austinites we are and how our liberal town is on the precipice of moral turpitude. And don't forget to explain how easy it is to get into my alma mater and how worthless a diploma from UT is to the thousands of young adults who bettered themselves and actually contribute more to society than an upside down hand gesture...just tell me anything that will make your pain of unrequited admiration subside.

Then ask yourself what dignity there is in spending your entire life trying to impress a bunch of Longhorns fans who view the University of Oklahoma as trade school for people interested in a career as a Waffle House Manger or Carnival Operator. The answer is none. It's a zero sum game and if you can't understand that, then all the incendiary correspondence in the world can't help you, nor solve the conflict for which we are presently engaged.

Best regards,

(Your Name)
UT, Class of (Year)


Truth be told, I kind of like all the trash talk. It wouldn’t be a rivalry without it. But I think the thing I like best about the TX/OU game is no matter what is said or written leading up to the game, it all gets settled on the field. And all the memorable wins and heartbreaking losses and trophies and titles from the past 100 years will have absolutely no effect on deciding the outcome of the...

NEXT GAME
It’s hard to recall a TX/OU game when, at least on paper, the two teams seemed this evenly matched. Both teams feature quarterbacks with limited experience, running backs with game breaking ability, comparable receiving corps, and extremely fast and intimidating defenses. The spread on the game is down to Texas by 4 and will probably be even less by game time. I think many of the pundits still consider OU as an undefeated team and believe they’re much more comparable to #7 Texas than their #14 ranking suggests.

When you consider the current state of the Big XII, this edition of the Red River Shootout acts as the de facto Big XII Championship. The winner of this game has won or played in the Big XII Championship the last six out of seven years and this year looks to be no different. The pressure is on and the intensity is almost too palpable. Winning is not only important for conference title and BCS bowl implications, but it also means 365 days of peace for the winning fan base and nothing but torment for the losing one. They don’t call it a rivalry for nothing. So just who will win this latest installment of the Red River Shootout...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Texas 28
Big Red Motor Sports 23

TAILGATE UPDATE (State Fair Edition)
Despite OU's “questionable” loss to Oregon (OUch) and UT dropping the Ohio State game (Rise of Troy) lessoning each teams chances at a title run (We want playoff, not another payoff), tickets to the Red River Shootout (Make a run for the border war) are still going to be tough to come by (OU sucks for you). For those of you fortunate enough to have a ticket (“Lucky”), here is a little advice (Double bag it):

1. Kick-off's at 2:30 (and OU still sucks), so try to get to the fairgrounds before 11 a.m. ("Moose says your closed, I say you're open")
2. Find a parking lot (pave the way), don't park in "He Hate Me's" front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass")
3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands")
4. Upon entering the fair (rub your ass with salt and go to the petting zoo), buy coupon tickets immediately so you can get a beer (obey your
thirst) and a corndog ("I can smell you getting fatter")
5. Get to your seats early (If you want to live), the stadium corridors are narrow (Like your urethra) and get extremely crowded ("Show me on the doll where the bad Sooner touched you")
6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a
clear liquor (oh Captain, my Morgan).

Adhere to these six simple edicts (tenets to win it), add in a little sun screen (SPF-OU), and try to remember, it's just a game, have fun ("it's not
whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Over multiple vodka tonics, my friend Dan-O finally answered the question that's been keeping up us up nights while doodling on a cocktail napkin...

54b: What are you drawing?
Dan: It's a Bearkat.
54b: What's a Bearkat?
Dan: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a bear and a cat mixed...bred for its skills in magic.

Hook'em,
54b