What Kind Of Longhorn Fan Are You?

Texas 26, Iowa 24...we're the reigning Alamo Bowl Champs!

That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Well, maybe if your name is Davy Crockett or Danielle Boone it does, but if you’re a card-carrying member of the Burnt Orange, it feels about as good as the time you bought $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets and won $2.

Don’t get me wrong, losing to the Hawkeyes would have made this off-season infinitely more miserable, but after a National Championship in 2005, there just wasn't a lot of satisfaction to be had out of going to a lower tier bowl and beating a team that came in 9th in the Big 10. Yeah, read that again. Oh well, as always, a win’s a win, and we’ll take the momentum heading into next season.

And speaking of, is it September yet? This off-season just won't end. Regardless, I figure it won't be long before two-a-days begin as i can already feel the hyperbole starting to boil. And with the punditry undoubtedly including Texas in the National Title hunt picture for 07, I figure it won't be long before everyone's working themselves into a frothy lather and...


As the 2007 season approaches, I thought it'd be fun to highlight some of our more "colorful" Longhorn compatriots as we look forward to several more scintillating Saturdays in September ...

"THAT GUY" Yep, this is the guy who started a Texas-Fight chant at the last wedding, funeral, bat mitzvah, etc. you attended. He's most likely in his mid-twenties, terminally single (but claims he's dating the twirler), and works for his father who got him into UT in the first place. He's easy to spot because he always shows up to the tailgate wearing the shirt you swore the Longhorn Co-op stocked by accident, drinking generic beer but stealing your Bud Light, and when somebody takes a picture, he always jumps in at the last second grabbing his crotch and pointing at your date's cleavage. The best thing about that guy, he doesn't even know he's "That Guy."

"THE TEX-PATRIOT" His name is usually Edward or Blake and though he had the grades to get in and desperately wanted to go to UT, he got busted with pot his senior year (the only time he ever tried it) and his parents forced him to go to a Division III, Liberal Arts school back east to prevent him from hanging with his slacker high school friends any longer. With no chance to come back to Austin because his forward thinking school didn't allow freshmen to have cars, he actually went to class, studied, graduated and married the first girl he laid. (Her name is usually Bethany, Margaret or Sarah Elizabeth.) Anyway, the Tex-Pat finally got to move back to Austin after Law School where he does well enough to donate significantly to a school he never attended and commandeer decent season tickets on the West side. He's easy to spot because he's usually wearing a light-orange Izod with the collar turned up and he spends the entire game telling anyone who will listen what a "diehard Longhorn" he is. Unfortunately, he never makes it past the 3rd quarter because his wife is always complaining about the heat and eternally self-conscious because though she was considered hot back east, she knows she's pretty much a pasty-white troll by Texas standards.

"THE QUEER STEER" Though most of our Log Cabin Longhorn friends feel the burnt orange color is barbaric and clashes with most of their clothing ensembles, you will not find a more loyal or knowledgeable group of fans. Just because their version of the Hook'em Horns hand gesture may be a couple of degrees off of vertical doesn't mean they don't get upset when the center-quarterback exchange goes awry. The boys from "Texas Queer for the Straight Steer" want to remind everyone to, "Come early, be proud, stay hard and wear something super, like a scarf."

"The 13-Year-Old Bad Ass" Though he's only 4-foot-seven, wears size "husky" dungarees, and runs the 40-yard-dash in a shade under Tuesday, he still shows up to every game in his unofficial #10 Vince Young jersey, Under-Armer shirt, and Nike elbow sweatbands. Like any 13-year-old Longhorn fan, he's full of hot dogs and delusions of playing for Texas one day. Unfortunately, an untimely, yet sarandipitous growth spurt enabled him to dominate last weekend's St. Agnus Private School Flag Football Jamboree and his performance has lulled him into a false sense of his own athletic prowess. Chances are good that the only thing he'll ever play at DKR is a tuba, and if he ever actually did meet Vince Young, he'd probably $#!+ himself.

"LITTLE MISS LONGHORN" Despite an ambient temperature of 110 degrees at game time, her game-day outfit, make-up and hair are painstakingly perfect. (Think Charles Darwin at Nieman Marcus.) Unfortunately, the intended targets of her extreme fake-over aren't interested in talking about "Brad and Angelina." So in order to make a big entrance and gain the attention she so desperately craves, she must demonstrate a grasp for football beyond a remedial knowledge of the game. She has to say something current, something edgy, something she probably just pilfered from the water cooler at work, something like, "I find Greg Davis' play-calling to be uninventive." And you know the best part of all, even though her bullsh*t is as transparent as she purports Greg Davis' play-calling to be, it won't matter if she's at all good looking because every guy nearby will simply smile and reply, "Wow, that's fascinating, can I get you another wine cooler."

"FRAT RAT" a.k.a. "the Frosh." He looks 15 but tries to hide it by dropping F-bombs for no reason and smoking Marlboro Lights even though it's 400 degrees outside. In high school, he liked to think of himself as a tortured, anarchist, Nine Inch Nail listening, non-conformist. Ironically, in an effort NOT to stick out, he's now sporting a $9 trim from Pro-Cuts, some ironed-on Wranglers and a pair of scuff-free Red Wings barely concealing a flask of some low rent rum just like all the rest of his flock sitting in the frat block. And to make matters worse, he knows very little about UT tradition and even less about football. Chances are solid that he'll pass out shortly after halftime and his set-up date will be shacking up with his Big Brother before the night is over.

"UNCLE RICO" He swears to anyone within earshot that if he hadn't blown out his knee while knocking up the Tasty Freeze drive-thru girl in 11th grade, he would have been all-state and would have been offered a full ride to play QB for Texas. Despite never actually going to UT and dropping out after a semester at Texas State, he still shows up to every game wearing an official Longhorn football jersey. But unlike the "13-Year-Old Bad Ass," Rico puts his own name and number on the back. He also brings a football along to the game to "stay warm" in case he "gets the call to go in." Though he looks harmless, approach with caution, as this All-Star is always a threat to drop back to pass, even in the line at the men's room.

"GRUMPY OLD HORN" He's an older baby boomer and graduated from UT back in the late 50's or early 60's. He's never approved of a UT coach since Darrell and begins every sentence with "back in my day." Though he's easy to overlook, you'll invariably hear him because he's always making loud comments to his subservient wife about how he can't see and how everyone around him is young, dumb, and out of control. If you ever find yourself sitting next to the Grumpy Old Horn, I suggest you launch a preemptive strike by yelling, "Darrell would've never called that play and I wish all you drunks would sit down and shut up." True, everyone around you will hate you, but the old man will be so shocked he might have a heart attack, if you're lucky. Otherwise, you're in for four straight hours of weather complaints and prostate talk.

Well, I think I've pissed off enough people for one commentary don't you think? But in all seriousness, I would like to say that I think it takes all kinds and I truly appreciate each and every type of Longhorn fan out there. That's what makes it fun, memorable, and Saturdays at DKR like no place else on Earth.

Hope to see you ALL in September.



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