Texas 35, UCF 32

Wow...when was the last time it hurt so good to be a Texas fan? The play on the field seems uninspired, the coaches sound like they’re in denial, and every time a cowbell rings, a Longhorn gets arrested. Yet UT is still undefeated and ranked in the Top 10. And just when you think you’ve felt every emotion possible when it comes to our beloved burnt orange bastions, the 2007 Texas team comes along and says, “hey Longhorn Nation, how would you like to feel the full gamut of emotions all at the same time?” If you act now, they’ll throw the ulcer in for free.

I’m not sure what happens to the human heart after prolonged exposure to extreme joy, pain, anger, excitement, frustration, hope, disillusionment, and incontinence, but call the New England Journal of Health and have them send a cordless defibrillator and a reporter down to Austin stat because I’m betting we’re about to find out.

If the heavily favored Longhorns narrow three-point win over the uppity Knights of Central Florida wasn’t enough to give you palpitations last Saturday, I’m sure the announcement Tuesday that yet another Texas player had been arrested made your heart bust a fart. Coach Brown is fond of saying that “UT is one of the few fan bases that goes on suicide watch after a victory.” But I think he forgot to mention that we’re one of the few fan bases that has to go on crime watch too.

Regardless, the Texas coaches and players seem to be in good spirits. They’re saying all the right things to the leering, pressing and unappeased masses anyway. In fact, my new favorite excuse for why your team isn’t playing well or as well as you’d expect them to is, “there’s a lot of parity in college football today.” After all, it’s easier to credit your opponent’s prowess than it is to admit that you suck. Though I find it amusing that no one seems to mention the word parity when USC, LSU, and OU are playing or when they’re checking the scoreboard to see who's leading the Big XII in felony arrests.

That's probably because no public figures ever say what they really want to say anymore. It’s all just a bunch of lip service, and in our brave, new PC world, the truth can often set you free from your job and anything you say remotely controversial will assuredly become your epitaph. And while I don’t blame the coaches, players, and even the sports writers for playing it close to the vest, I’ve taken it upon myself to waive my 1st Amendment rights in the air like I just don’t care and write between the lines of some of the more notable quotes following the Longhorns 35-32 win over UCF in a little segment I like to call...

WHAT LONGHORN FANS HEARD WHEN SO AND SO SAID...

“It was a trap game for us and a buzz saw. George (O’Leary) did a great job. They had two weeks to prepare and George is one of the toughest coaches I have ever seen or ever coached against. When he gave them off last Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I knew that we were in trouble because he never gives anyone off.” - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: Apparently Mack hasn't read George O'Leary's latest piece of fiction, "If I Did Lie About Being The Toughest Coach Ever, Here's How It Happened."


“Ryan Bailey kicked five field goals for Texas, which regrouped after squandering a 13-point lead to fall behind 24-23 early in the fourth quarter.” - Chip Brown

TRANSLATION: Touchdowns are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Kick some field goals - it's more democratic.


“We have to figure out a way to get the ball into the end zone when we are down in the red zone.” - Colt McCoy

TRANSLATION: I hate how Greg Davis' chronic vertigo always seems to act up when we get inside the twenty.


"I felt terrible. I felt like I let my team down. I have to protect the ball better." - Jamaal Charles

TRANSLATION: My hands are small I know. But this ball's not yours, it's on loan.


“During that UCF scoring drive, which put the Knights up, 24-23, the rains cleared and a giant rainbow filled the sky, almost portending a happy ending for the team whose fans chanted "Appalachian State!" before the game and "overrated" to Texas players after.” - Chip Brown

TRANSLATION: We are a commuter school. We live with our parents. We are the children that got left behind. We are UCF.


"At Texas, you're used to things being easy and winning big. I'd be more concerned if we lost. We're still undefeated, and how many teams in America can say that?" - Frank Okam

TRANSLATION: We've had eight players get arrested in six months and still no convictions. How many teams in America can say that, be-yatch?


“I'm sincerely glad to be 3-0. But we've got a thousand things to work on. There are so many things we need to get fixed." - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: At this rate, chances are good the only thing that gets fixed this season is Bevo.


"I applaud Coach Mack Brown for taking swift action in disciplining a member of his football team. I strongly endorse the penalties he has imposed on this player and others who have been arrested for various offenses. I know Coach Brown feels accountable for the conduct of his team and that these players must be held accountable for their own behavior on and off the field.” - UT President, William Powers, Jr.

TRANSLATION: Um, yeah, we heard you the last seven times. And you forgot the last part, "This Message Paid For By H.A.T.E. (Horns Are Totally Embarrassed)”

So be good for goodness sake, yeah...cuz there’s always the...

NEXT GAME
If ever there was a season when no victory could truly be assured and no game should be taken for granted, it would probably be this one. But I’m still not going to lose any sleep worrying about the Owls. Texas may have to kick 15 field goals to cover the spread, but I’m sure they’ll get it done. Nothing unpredictable about this...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Texas - 37
Nerd Herd - Pi

TAILGATE UPDATE
The game against the Rice Owls (It'll be a hoot) is set to kick-off this Saturday at 6pm (Oh, must be Night Owls). And though Fox Sports Net (ESPNot) is inexplicably televising this game (instead of Greco-Roman Bocce Ball), head on down to the tailgate anyway (Come on, give in to Beer Pressure) a few hours before the game and get yourself some Barbecue (There's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy) and chug a few beers (It'll cure what "ales" ya). And last but certainly not least (#54 on the bench, #1 in your hearts), don't forget to show your appreciation (Don't sweat the technique) by throwing in a couple of bucks (Flash the cash) to the people putting on this awesome tailgate (Props to my Veeps).

QUOTE Of THE WEEK
Apparently, not everyone was impressed with UCF’s new Bright House Networks Stadium...
"Whose bright idea was it to build an entire stadium out of aluminum in an area that gets hit by lightning on a daily basis?"

Hook'em,54b