Texas 21, K-State 41

Not sure what I’m more amused by after a monumental Longhorns loss: the race to lay blame by the Texas fans and media or the race to claim blame by all the coaches. Before the media even had a chance to ask Coach Brown a question about UT’s miserable 41-21 defeat to K-State last Saturday, Mack began the post-game press conference by saying, “We’ve said since day one that coaches lose games, kids win games and that one goes back to me and us.”

Honestly, I don’t “blame” Mack for trying to deflect the criticism off his players and onto himself. I’d probably do the same if I were in his $2.4 million shoes. After all, it’s easier to say “it’s my fault” than try to make excuses or explain to a bunch of diehard Texas fans (who just got their hearts broken) that their beloved Longhorns are inexperienced (Greenhorns), immature (Book’em Horns), and probably victims of unrealistic pre-season hype and expectations (You bet on the Wronghorns).

And while I’m sure Mack’s sentiments make the players, the parents, and the recruits feel all warm and fuzzy, I think his eagerness to accept blame and move on leaves most Texas fans feeling frustrated and without recourse. What happened to we win as a team, we lose as a team, and everyone, players included, are held accountable?

But if the coaches are so fond of taking the blame, then for once I’d like to hear one say, “I did a shitty job preparing my team to play this week even though I’ve known this game was on our schedule for the last 8 months and therefore if I do an equally poor job of preparing the team next week I will resign.” Now that’s accountability. Otherwise, it’s just culpability and lip service to the press and the unforgiving masses.

"...but 54b," you say. "we have to blame somebody for the emptiness we feel in our hearts and the drowning sensation we feel in our livers." Right you are my friends, and to that I say...

ASK NOT WHAT BROWN CAN DO FOR YOU

But ask yourselves how come Texas fans weren’t waiving something similar to those ubiquitous K-State Purple Power Towels when our team needed us most? How can Longhorn Nation purport ourselves as being the most dedicated fan base in all of college football, when we can’t even prove how much we care by unabashedly ripping off some other fan base’s contrived symbol of support? That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to present UT’s Athletic Department with a short list of potential Longhorn motivational chotchskies to pass out to all the fans:

THE ASS-KICKING COWBELL – When our team isn’t doing so hot, the only prescription is more Ass-Kicking Cowbell. DKR is a big place and I really want Longhorn fans to explore the space. We need more Ass-Kicking Cowbell.

ZONE READING GLASSES – When it’s 3rd and Longhorns and your offensive coordinator only knows one play, put on a pair of these spectacles and hope that your running back will see a hole to run through that your inexperienced O-Line probably didn’t create. Don’t delay, run out and get yourself a pair of Zone Reading Glasses.

THE LADY THONGHORN – Sure ladies, cotton granny panties may be the practical choice on a hot and humid Saturday afternoon, but only the most zealous of athletic supporters would dare wear a thong prominently exposed for all to see. The Lady Thong-Horn...Put The T-Back In Texas.

THUNDER HOOVES – Why proliferate your penis envy for a winning team by banging a couple of phallic blow-up stix together when you can slam a couple of plastic replica cow hooves against some metal bleachers and cause a stampede? Nothing says we’re gonna stomp a mudhole in your ass like Thunder Hooves.

THE JOLT-A-COLT – Sure, sneaking a 9-Volt battery into the game and attaching it to your nipples with alligator clips may sound like a painfully bad idea, but when your starting QB gets knocked into next Tuesday, what better to snap McCoy back into reality than thousands of Texas fans connecting the electrodes and screaming bloody murder in unison. The Jolt-A-Colt... T-T-T-T-exas, F-F-F-F-ight.

THE BEVO BALLSACK – Just because our beloved steer may be sans cahones doesn’t mean we can’t return some testicular fortitude to Royal Memorial. Nothing says "I believe this team’s got a couple" like 85,000 Orange Bloods swinging a burnt orange tube sock replete with two large marbles over their heads. The Bevo Ball Sack...Act Like You Got A Pair.

Now tell me, what Longhorn fan wouldn't want to see any one or all of those at the...

NEXT GAME
When it comes to TX/OU, Dallas is ground zero for the Red River Rivalry and not just for one weekend every October, but all year long. UT fans who live in Dallas know all too well that a win over OU means 365 days free of torment and ridicule while an unthinkable loss to the Sooners makes life in Big D a living hell for Longhorns fans all year long. And given what we’ve seen from the two teams this year, Dallas area Texas fans better batten down the hatches as the tide looks to have turned in favor of Oklahoma and if the final score is anything like some of the lopsided affairs from a few years back, the surge alone will probably make us wish we never knew what lay north of the Red River.

On paper, this game isn’t even close. Texas is inexperienced at several key positions, banged up, and even worse, apparently lacking in leadership while the Sooners had been rolling like a well-oiled machine until last week’s upset in Boulder. Thankfully, the Buffalos proved once again that when it comes to football, the only thing paper’s good for is wiping your ass. So for the next few days at least, Longhorns fans can fall asleep comforted by the thought that anything can happen in this game.

Another ancillary benefit of Colorado’s win over OU is the lack of smack coming from Sooners fans this week. I’ve never heard them so quiet before this game, not even the year VY took us to the title. So there’s one thing we’ve got going for us: OU is apparently second-guessing their athletic prowess for the first time this season while UT’s known something was wrong all along. So relax, it’s all damaged goods.

And while our heart’s desire to stay positive is thwarted by certain realities that fill our minds, at least we’re assured of one thing, we already know who will take the blame if we lose.

On to the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Let’s party like it’s 1999...

Texas – 38
Stoopefied Sooners – 28

TAILGATE UPDATE (State Fair Addition)

Despite OU's “unfathomable” loss to Colorado (OUch) and UT’s debacle against K-State (Cats Gone Wild) taking the thunder out of the latest installment of the Red River Shootout (Can the South secede from the Big XII North), tickets are still going to be tough to come by (TX/OU sucks for you). For those of you who did score a ticket into the Cotton Bowl (Charlie And The Corndog Factory), here are six simple edicts to help you enjoy your time there (Tenets to win it):

1. Kick-off's at 2:30 (and OU still sucks), so try to get to the fairgrounds before 11 a.m. ("Moose says your closed, I say you're open")
2. Find a parking lot (pave the way), don't park in some questionable dude’s front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass")
3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands")
4. Upon entering the fair (rub your ass with salt and go to the petting zoo), buy coupon tickets immediately so you can get a beer (obey your
thirst) and a corndog ("I can smell you getting fatter")
5. Get to your seats early (Your knees won’t thank you, but your ass will), the stadium corridors are narrow (Like your urethra) and get extremely crowded ("Show me on the doll where the bad Sooner touched you")
6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (It’s so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a clear liquor (Oh Captain, my Morgan).

Add in a little sunscreen (SPF-OU), drink some water every now and then (He who hydrates, urinates) and try to remember, it's still just a game ("It's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get").

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“Fran got $1,200 a pop for his super secret booster email? How much does it cost to send out a letter bagging on your team anyway?”

Not much. Believe me, not much.

Hook'em,
54b