Texas 52, Florida Atlantic 10

How ironic that media prima donna Hurricane Gustav and blow hard Howard Schnellenberger turned out to be mostly all talk in the same week. Much like the ominous tropical depression that recently threatened the Gulf Coast, the Schnellenberger led Florida Atlantic Owls also got downgraded to a "Category Who" when making land fall, dropping an uneventful opener to the Longhorns, 52-10.

But don't you know old Schnelly had an alibi up his plaid polyester sleeve and merely claimed, "well I was misquoted." Of course the press never reports Schnelly-schtick, or anyone else's schtick for that matter, very well, so let me take a crack at it by reading between the behinds to translate the bullsh*t in a little segment I like to call...

WHAT SO-AND-SO “REALLY” MEANT WHEN THEY SAID:

(Before) "(Texas) has great talent, but they aren’t tough, they aren’t a physically tough team." - Howard Schnellenberger

TRANSLATION: "Hey, bartender, Schnelly-boo needs another refill."

(After) "I know one thing, they're (Texas) a lot tougher than we (FAU) are, I don't know if my remarks helped their team, if they did, then I apologize to my team." - Howard S.

TRANSLATION: "Apparently I wasn't wearing enough sunscreen on my head when we won the Sun Belt Championship."

"I've said this before, but I think (FAU) is the best team we've played in an opening game, including N.C. State." - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: "Arkansas State never happened, I repeat, never happened...unless of course your name is Texas A&M."

"I thought we (Texas) played a near perfect opener for us." - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: "Any game we don't have to rely on the hands team to recover an onsides kick at the end to win is all good."

"Well, we (Texas Defense) were obviously going to make some mistakes and we knew that coming into the game. We told them the effort is on them and the execution is on us." - Will Muschamp

TRANSLATION: "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody."

"At first I needed somebody to pinch me or something. It was just overall a good feeling just to get my feet wet and get ready for upcoming games." - Safety, Earl Thomas

TRANSLATION: "If you don't like the smell that occurs after you leave the popcorn in the microwave too long, don't check my drawers right now."

"That's the thing about this team; we're a blue collar team." - DT Roy Miller

TRANSLATION: "If the NCAA didn't restrict it, we'd all still be wearing a piece of tape attached to our helmets with our names Sharpied on it."

"I compete really hard, so when I'm running out-of-bounds, I don't really know what is going on. I just want to get back on the field and keep going. I guess if Vince [Young] was right there, he probably had my back." - QB Colt McCoy

TRANSLATION: "Will UT ever retire the #12 because of me like they did the #10 for VY, who's to say...at this point, I just don't want them to name the infirmary after me."

"There was Malcolm (Williams) out there, James (Kirkendoll), Montre (Webber), all those guys made huge catches. Our young guys looked really good. That's really promising." - WR Quan Cosby

TRANSLATON: "God help us on 3rd and long situations."

"We're (Texas) trying to get John (Chiles) to become more of a weapon and we'll continue to build with him." - Greg Davis

TRANSLATION: "The Q-Package has been renamed the WTF-package."

"The crowd was loud. We kept them hyped." - Vondrell McGee

TRANSLATION: "With the new addition to the north end zone, DKR now sits 98,000+ screaming orange bloods...but for some reason, UT put the the Showband of the Southwest in the south end zone so they could cancel each other out."

And what do you say we give Howie the last word...

"We were beaten badly and soundly by a very good Texas football team...a very good team that defeated a team (FAU) that was not very good on this night."

TRANSLATION: "I guess they weren't kidding when they said, 'Don't mess with Texas ya jackass.'"

But of course, just when you thought the Longhorns' season opening win couldn't get any better, defensive tackle Lamar Houston gets arrested for DWI and suspended for the next game which begs the question, if Sergio Kindle and Henry Melton, who were both arrested for DWI before the 2007 season, were suspended for three games and Mr. Houston only got one game thus far, how does Mack determine what type of suspension to hand out? Does he have a...

BAC-SUSPENSION SCALE

If said player blows a...

.07 (or less) - The player is ridiculed for being more sober than half the fans in DKR on any given Saturday night

.08 - It's a one game suspension provided the next game is against a school that only recently began allowing boys to matriculate there and prides itself on the number of Mathletic Scholarships it gives out each year

.2 - It's a two game suspension and an in-home intervention led by an unencumbered Matthew Mcconaughey covering Amy Winehouse's Rehab on the bongos

.3 - Now we're getting serioius because it's a 3-game suspension and not because we're concerned for the player's well being, but because that's how long it's going to take the hangover to wear off

.3+ - No suspension, but the player does get his name permanently painted on the floor of the basketball court a la Eddie Sutton

On Lamar Houston's behalf, I say let he who lives in a glass bottle throw the first stone and I've no doubt this young man knows he let the fans down, the team down, and most of all, himself down. At this point, I only hope the lesson learned sticks and the situation gets resolved in a manner commensurate to the offense. To that end, life goes on and the Horns have to get ready for the...

NEXT GAME

If Texas A&M is our little brother with an inferiority complex and Texas Tech is our nymphomaniac step-sister who's addicted to Meth and Velveeta, I guess that makes UTEP something akin to Cousin Eddie, the blacksheep of the UT family that means well but rolled into D-1 Football on fumes and gave all their gas money to a head coach with an expensive exotic dancer habit.

Despite being unceremoniously sent packing by the Crimson Tide for conduct unbecoming, after only a few months on the job, Mike Price enthusiastically took the job at UTEP and has tried valiantly to make the best of it by bringing a big time college football feel to El Paso.

Unfortunately, it looks as though his efforts have gone in vain as UTEP is riding a 7-game losing streak and began this year with an eyebrow raising 42-17 loss to Buffalo, a team most college football fans think is a figment of their inebriation.

So who knows quite what to expect when the Horns travel to El Paso this weekend, but that's why we've got the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

Texas 47
Donkey Show 13

TAILGATE UPDATE (Road Trip Edition)

El Paso (Spanish for "The Paso") may not seem like the coolest place to attend a game at the end of a long, hot summer ("I fell into a burning ring of fire"), but considering this game is already being hailed as UTEP’s biggest home game ever (It's a "Miner" blip on the radar), you might just want to make a run for the border (My wife says I'm qualified to be a Minuteman, doh).

Kick-off at the Sun Bowl (Don't look directly at it) has been set for 8:15pm local time (Wouldn't that make it the Moon Bowl) which means we’re all in for a long night (Hello dark beer my old friend...) and an even longer day tailgating (...I've come to drink with you again). For those of you braving the trip out west with me (Call me Cinco-Quatro), here are a couple of pre-game options (Beer or Cerveza, I can’t decide):

1) Check out El Paso’s version of 6th Street (Ay, Sexto Street) located on Cincinnati Avenue right off North Mesa (Come to the Table). It’s about a 10 minute walk (5 if you ordered the beans) from the stadium and this will undoubtedly be the place many Longhorns fans will congregate (Follow the herd) before the game. Recommended bars include the Cincinnati Bar (Got Natti Light) and Hemingway’s Kern Place Tavern (Didn’t he write, "The Old Man Has To Pee").

2) As for actual tailgating (La puerta esta abierta), options for the general public are limited near the stadium (No Vato-mobiles) but there are some lots off of Schuster Avenue on the south side of campus (On the Glory Road) that open at 8 a.m. and permits aren’t required ("Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges").

For those of you watching the game on TV (It’s not TV, H-Bevo) , the game will be televised on ESPN2 (Don't drop the Deuce) starting at 9:15pm CST (The night time is the right time).

QUOTEWORTHY

(Yelling from 10 rows behind FAU’s bench) "Hey Schnelly, Highland Mall called...they said you’re not tough enough to be their Santa Claus
anymore."

"I guess if you play for Texas and have your number retired, they name a sausage after you."



"Move over Earl, now there's something meatier."

Hook'em,
54b