54b's Longhorn Commentary

Chasing Hooters

2010-07-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

Where have you gone 54b? A Longhorn Nation turns its bloodshot eyes to you...Been a while since I last posted and if I'm truly being sober with myself, which is rare, I think the real reason I haven't posted anything in six months is because the first half of 2010 for Longhorns Athletics has been rather unfulfilling. Not to go all beer half-empty on you, and Lord knows the Horns have won a ton,

Texas 49, A&M 39

2009-12-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving Holiday complete with 27 hours spent on the couch watching a cornucopia of delicious football. I know I did. Some thoughts about the last four days that I think you were thinking but unwilling to talk about because decorum prevents you from going into detail in polite company... "Dear Aggies...Um, Mr. T-Sip, we prefer Agro-Americans" - I just about had a heart

On The Road To Pasadena

2009-11-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

Dear 54b, It has come to our attention that you’re a few hours short and not on track to complete all of your required commentaries this season. And we may have to suspend you. Also, have you per chance been at Deion Sanders’ "crib" researching means for foregoing your amateur writing status. We deposed Mr. Sanders and he said he was teaching you how to play “Must Be The Money” on your electric

Texas Tech / UTEP - How West Texas Was Won

2009-10-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

Oh thank goodness. I finally found some time to waste some more of your time. But rather than make up for my tardiness with the Texas Tech and UTEP commentaries with the “perfect post,” I figured I’d further lower your expectations for me by mailing it in with the always fun "ramblings commentary." So without any further do-do, here are some thought-enders about the Longhorns last two victories -

Texas 41, Wyoming 10

2009-09-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

Was it a lack of inspiration or preparation for the change in elevation that led to the Longhorns “breath-taking” first-half performance in an otherwise routine 41-10 thumping of the heavy underdog Cowboys last Saturday in Laramie? Nahhhhhhh. How could any team not be excited or prepared to play in what Cowboys’ coach Dave Christensen hailed as “probably the biggest game that's ever been played

Texas 59, Louisiana-Monroe 20

2009-09-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I would like you all to know that even though my Atari 2600 never did become Y2K compatible, I have overcome my inherent fear of technology (and narcissism), and joined the fast-paced world of court reporting, I mean Twitter. For masterful bon tweets that make you scratch your ass, click on Twitter.com and search me out at "Longhorn54b"...you know, if you're into that sort of thing. I

54b's Anti-Preview Guide - 2009 Texas Longhorns

2009-09-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The following is not for the humorously constipated. For optimal enjoyment, it’s best to print it out and proceed to your nearest toilet.For those of you who bleed burnt orange – and can prove it because you recently sold a bucket of bodily fluids so you could afford to buy every “can’t miss” preseason college football prognostication guide you could get your hot little, callused hands

Damn It Still Feels Good To Be A Longhorn

2008-12-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

As 2008 comes to a somber and unsatisfying end, I thought this would be a good time to reflect and remind ourselves that no matter what happens on and off the football field, in the media, or in life...DAMN IT STILL FEELS GOOD TO BE A LONGHORNIn 2005, Texas fans lived the dream of a National Title. In 2008, we unwittingly bared witnessed to the dream’s requiem. From the modest beginnings of a

A&M Commentary Coming Soon

2008-12-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

Thank you for visiting the site. I'm waiting until the dust settles and UT finds out what bowl they're playing in before posting my final commentary of the season. In the meantime, please click on the links to the right for past commentaries from this season or the previous 9 seasons. Thank you,54b

Texas 35, Kansas 7

2008-11-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

This is the true story of four Longhorns fans who decided to attend the November 15th UT-KU game in Lawrence, Kansas and have their life-expectancies significantly shortened. Find out what happens when four jackasses stop being sober and start getting real (drunk)... THE REAL (DRUNK) WORLD - LAWRENCEWhat do you say we meet the motley cast of B-Listers...Name: BradCode Name: The DifuserSuperpower:

Texas 45, Baylor 21

2008-11-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

Well I was at Royal Memorial to witness the Longhorns rebound from their only loss of the season with a 45-21 thumping of the Bears. Were you?Judging by the number of empty seats and overall lack of exuberance of the crowd at the Baylor game, I’d say the Horns’ brutal schedule has not only been tough on the players and coaches, but on the fans as well. And while I’m sure there are myriad of

Texas 33, Texas Tech 39

2008-11-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

In my recurring nightmare there are only a few seconds left in the Longhorns game against the Red Raiders and I’m standing on the sideline at Jones Stadium in Lubbock just a few feet away from the action as Graham Harrell’s ill-advised pass ricochets off the unwitting Texas Tech receiver floating like a feather into the air as Texas safety Blake Gideon runs up under it. Certainly nothing abnormal

Texas 28, OSU 24

2008-10-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

Elective torture, that’s really the only way I know how to describe what it’s like watching the Texas Longhorns protect their number one ranking week after week. Seriously, I’m pretty sure I have full-blown Stockhom Syndrome because I’m completely and unabashedly loyal to that which torments me every hour, minute, and second of the day. All I can think about is Texas Longhorns Football...at work,

Texas 56, Mizzou 31

2008-10-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Forget “Colt McBoy” and say hello to “Dr. McCoy.” Watching the Heisman front-runner lead the Longhorns to a 35-3 halftime advantage – completely extinguishing any hopes Missouri might have had in regards to upsetting the #1 team in the country – was like watching a skilled surgeon perform a routine procedure. The “Good Doctor” and his staff wasted no movements, remained cool, calm, and collected

Texas 45, OU 35

2008-10-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

WHEN RIVALRIES GO TO WARFrom 1969 to 1978, Michigan (led by former Buckeyes assistant coach Bo Schembechler) and Ohio State (under enigmatic coaching legend Woody Hayes) carved out a series of hotly contested games in their long running rivalry in which both teams entered their annual border clash as dominant college football programs. With conference championship and national title implications

Texas 38, Colorado 14

2008-10-09T19:19:00.001-07:00

No question about it, Boulder, Colorado is beautiful. As for the people who go to school there, well, that may still be up for debate. And I’m not talking about beauty in the superficial sense as in, "the local female population's proclivity for superfluous body hair is disarming." No ma'am, I'm talking about a lack of inner-beauty here, and more specifically, the local population's penchant for

Texas 52, Arkansas 10

2008-10-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

Were those really the same Arkansas Razorbacks that ruined the new millennium for me and turned DKR upside down in 2003? Was that really the same Ozarkian fan base that lives to remind Longhorns fans that it's possible to hate another state so unconditionally that one can exist and persist on spite alone? Seriously, after the Horns went up by a couple of touchdowns last Saturday on their way to a

Texas 52, Rice 10

2008-09-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

Since 1994, I’ve missed a total of four Texas football home games: Stanford ‘99 and Houston ‘00 due to family wedding obligations, Baylor ‘04 for the birth of my son, and the Rice game last Saturday. (Technically, I was not present for the Sam Houston State game in 2006, but since we all know that game never happened, I don’t count it.) Anyway, I share my 95.2% attendance rate with you not

UT-AUSTIN 42, UTEP 13

2008-09-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

"54b, you said that if I would read your commentaries you'd stay with me all season, but I noticed that during Hurricane Ike, there was only one set of footprints on the beach. I don't understand why, at a time when I needed you most, you would leave me with no commentary.""My precious, precious reader, I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering last weekend when you saw

Texas 52, Florida Atlantic 10

2008-09-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

How ironic that media prima donna Hurricane Gustav and blow hard Howard Schnellenberger turned out to be mostly all talk in the same week. Much like the ominous tropical depression that recently threatened the Gulf Coast, the Schnellenberger led Florida Atlantic Owls also got downgraded to a "Category Who" when making land fall, dropping an uneventful opener to the Longhorns, 52-10.But don't you

54b's 2008 Preseason Unspectacular

2008-08-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

THE TEXAS FOOTBALL ANTI-PREVIEW GUIDE“Knock Those Mother #@(&*^$ Out!” It’s clear, it’s concise, it girds your loins. Unfortunately, Coach Brown wasn’t quite sold on new defensive coordinator Will Mushchamp’s suggestion for this seasons team motto. Instead, Mack revealed to the media last Monday that the motto for this season is going to be “Consistently Good To Be Great,” a phrase he apparently

The Eyes Of Texas 2008 - Preview Guide

2008-07-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Longhorns Fans I know, claim to know, or met at the bar last night...Unfortunately, I have some somber news for you...I just returned from the doctor’s office where I had an EKG done, my blood pressure checked, and got tricked into turning my head and coughing for the 47th time (apparently I’ll still do anything for a lollipop)...anyway, according to my results, the doc says I have 36 days,

2007 Holiday Bowl – UT 52, ASU 34

2008-01-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

Pretty much how every Texas Fan felt at the conclusion of the 2007 football season when it was announced that the Longhorns would be playing in The Holiday Bowl for the fourth time in eight years...For those of you who weren't able to attend (or boycotted) the Holiday Bowl, I can’t say as I blame you. This season has been regrettable at worst and forgettable at best. But one thing I’ve noticed

Texas 30, A&M 38

2007-12-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well, that sucked.No doubt there are a myriad of reasons UT showed up "sleepy" the day after Turkey Day against their in-state rivals, A&M for the second year in a row. But since Mack wasn't talking to the media, I figured we'll just let Jamaal Charles "esplain it to us...no there is to much, he will sum up...""They've (A&M) got a better game plan, and they prepared better for us. They bring

TEXAS 59, TEXAS TECH 43

2007-11-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

If the Big XII ever gets around to creating its own 24-hour sports network like the Big 10 did, I’m thinking a steady dose of post-game press conferences featuring exasperated coaches airing their grievances and waxing prophetic might just be entertaining enough to keep the upstart station afloat. Seriously, who wouldn’t be glued to the tube as KU’s “Hungry-Hungry Hypocrite” Mark Mangino expounds

TEXAS 38, OSU 35

2007-11-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

“If you never go, you’ll never know.” That non-sequitur is probably the best excuse I can give for why my friend Brad and I actually made the four hour trip up I-35 to Stillwater last Saturday to see the Longhorns’ latest thrilling comeback win. That’s two miracle 4th Quarter finishes in a row now, one more and “Orange Jesus” might get beatified. For all intents and purposes, the latest edition

Texas 28, Nebraska 25

2007-10-31T14:56:00.000-07:00

What up Hornies? Sorry for the lack of commentaries, but I've been bored and unmotivated by Longhorn football of late. So to catch up...Texas rebounded from the OU loss by thumping Gene’s ISU team, sleepwalking by Baylor, and playing one hellacious 4th quarter to beat a beleaguered Nebraska team thanks in large part to the return of the Jamaal-Amercian (290 yards, 3 TD’s, DAMN!)...and yet,

TEXAS 21, OU 28

2007-10-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

Before my last season at UT and after three long years toiling on the bench as a walk-on, I decided I’d had enough and with all the self-righteous indignation I could muster, I walked into my D-Line coach’s office and said, “what’s it all for?” I wanted to know why I should keep playing when there was seemingly nothing left to play for. His response: “why do you spend so much time concentrating

Texas 21, K-State 41

2007-10-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Not sure what I’m more amused by after a monumental Longhorns loss: the race to lay blame by the Texas fans and media or the race to claim blame by all the coaches. Before the media even had a chance to ask Coach Brown a question about UT’s miserable 41-21 defeat to K-State last Saturday, Mack began the post-game press conference by saying, “We’ve said since day one that coaches lose games, kids

Texas 58, Rice 14

2007-09-27T11:48:00.001-07:00

As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find a little nerd they can beat the crap out of...thankfully, after nerve-racking victories over three purported “patsies” who apparently forgot they were “supposed” to quit trying to win after the first quarter, UT finally drew a non-conference opponent who apparently quit trying to win shortly after World War I. And while I’m

Texas 35, UCF 32

2007-09-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

Wow...when was the last time it hurt so good to be a Texas fan? The play on the field seems uninspired, the coaches sound like they’re in denial, and every time a cowbell rings, a Longhorn gets arrested. Yet UT is still undefeated and ranked in the Top 10. And just when you think you’ve felt every emotion possible when it comes to our beloved burnt orange bastions, the 2007 Texas team comes along

Texas 34, TCU 13

2007-09-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

How do Longhorns fans spell relief?B-E-E-R.Well, yes, but the answer I was actually looking for is H-E-A-R-T.As Longhorns fans, our expectations stay the same year after year, we expect to win every game and why not, We’re Texas. But let’s face it, the 2007 Texas Longhorns aren’t anywhere close to the 2005 team that won the title when it comes to leadership, experience, and overall talent. We

Texas 21, Arkansas State 13

2007-09-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

When I'm feeling depressed, nothing turns my frown upside down (and my colon inside out) quite like take-out from the Magic Wok. I'm a big connoisseur of MSG and a big believer in Eastern Philosophy. According to my latest self-help book, General Tso's Chicken For The Soul, the secret to happiness is to always exceed expectations. Because if you set your expectations low enough, good things are

54b's 2007 Preseason Unspectacular

2007-08-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

“Are you so desperate for football season to start that you mark off the days leading up to the Longhorns’ opener like a convict awaiting parole?” Given the number of guest appearances on the police blotter this summer for some of UT’s more high-profile football players, perhaps I could have chosen a better opening line to use for an article (read: shameless self-promotion) I wrote titled “

What Kind Of Longhorn Fan Are You?

2007-01-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Texas 26, Iowa 24...we're the reigning Alamo Bowl Champs! That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Well, maybe if your name is Davy Crockett or Danielle Boone it does, but if you’re a card-carrying member of the Burnt Orange, it feels about as good as the time you bought $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets and won $2.Don’t get me wrong, losing to the Hawkeyes would have made this off-season infinitely

Texas 7, Texas A&M 12

2006-12-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

My apologies for the tardiness of this post. To be honest, in the eight seasons of writing this commentary, I can't remember another time when it was this hard to write about Texas football. And it's not because the Horns lost. Hell, some of my best commentaries have come right after defeats--and monumental ones at that. But ever since the A&M debacle I’ve pretty much been numb to everything

A&M Recap Coming Soon

2006-12-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

Waiting on UT's bowl selection to be announced...not holding breath for Fiesta Bowl though.In the meantime...because injury is always better when mixed with insult, I was trying to figure out where the latest loss to A&M fits in the pantheon of losses in the Mack Brown era. So I unfaithfully submit to you...THE TOP 10 LOSSES IN THE MACK BROWN ERAA couple things to note first:• Texas has only

Texas 42, K-State 45

2006-11-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

54B'S COMMENTARY – KANSAS STATE WILDCATS So there I was on Southwest Airlines flight 2040 on my way up to Kansas City last Saturday to meet some friends and drive over for the Texas/K-State imbroglio. The friendly skies were painfully blue and the weather forecast called for cool and sunny conditions all day strong. Plus, I had enough free drink coupon booklets to get Boarding Group A and half of

Texas 36, Oklahoma State 10

2006-11-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

Not much to say after that total beat-down other than...LATER HATERSIs there any doubt that idle conjecture has reached critical mass when college football's esteemed punditry spends the majority of the week leading up the game extolling the "unstoppability" of a 5-3 Oklahoma State Cowboy offense with a resume replete with losses to Cougar High, K-State, and A&M at home. Even the king of the

Texas 35, Texas Tech 31

2006-11-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

This is the true story of five ex-football players who decided to drive to Lubbock and have their life-expectancies significantly shortened. Find out what happens when five jackasses stop being sober and start getting real (drunk)... THE REAL WORLD - LUBBOCK What do you say we meet the motley crew...Clay-O (Defensive Tackle) - Yes, the very same Clay-O of previous 54b road trip commentary fame.

Texas 22, Nebraska 20

2006-10-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

Before leaving for the Dallas airport to fly to Kansas City last Friday, I checked the weather forecast for Lincoln, Nebraska for the 1,000th time: “High of 47, windy, rain dissipating by late Saturday morning.” Certainly not ideal, but with kick-off set for 11am, I figured we’d be a little cold but nothing a few layers, a poncho, and a flask of “grandpa’s cough syrup” couldn’t remedy. Especially

Texas 63, Baylor 31

2006-10-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

54B'S COMMENTARY – BAYLOR BEARSSurprise! The score after the first 15 minutes last Saturday night: Baylor 10, Texas 0. The first quarter deficit was just one of many signs Longhorns players and fans alike weren’t exactly taking the 29-point underdog Bears all that seriously...TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WEREN’T “EXACTLY” TAKING BAYLOR SERIOUSLY10) Traded your game ticket to some dude for “one red paperclip.

Texas 28, OU 10

2006-10-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

“What time is it? It’s 28 to 10 and OU still sucks!”That’s corny as hell, but doesn’t it feel good? Call me crazy, drunk, Kim Jong-il, or what you will, but I may just feel even better after UT's comeback victory over the dreaded Sooners last Saturday than I did after Texas beat USC last January for the title. I know it’s probably just the Corndog reflux talking, but when you live in Dallas

TX/OU Preview

2006-10-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Considering the Texas Longhorns 56-3 throttling of D-2 Sammy State Bearkats never happened, I repeat never happened, I guess we can get to what everyone’s been talking about for the last two weeks anyway, the annual...RED RIVER SHOOTOUT After 10 years in Dallas, basically living at ground zero when it comes to TX/OU, I can tell you from experience that you will never, ever get any satisfaction

Texas 37, Iowa State 14

2006-10-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

How appropriate that a "head-for-the-exits" thunder storm interrupted the Horns 37-14 win over the Cyclones. As for myself, instead of hanging out under the concrete reinforced stadium I headed for the much safer circus tent known as the Endzone Club to ride out the storm with my friend Bud Light. Isn't it amazing how the threat of a natural disaster seems less ominous when you're already 3-

Texas 52, Rice 7

2006-09-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Like most Longhorns fans (given the number of empty seats in Reliant Stadium), I called in sick for Texas’ latest lopsided win over Rice. And even though I was able to intermittently watch the game on TV while futilely trying to contain my two-year old’s latest art project -- “Abstract Queso on Coffee Table” -- I mostly relied on press clippings to find out exactly what happened down in Houston

Texas 7, Ohio State 24

2006-09-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

54B'S COMMENTARY - OHIO STATE BUCKEYESYou know that scene at the end of “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” where the girl says, “Pee Wee, don’t you want to see the rest of the movie?” And he replies, “I don’t have to see it, Dottie. I lived it?” Well, after nine hours of full-tilt tailgating leading up to the Texas-Ohio State game, I’m starting to feel the same way about the movie “Beerfest,” as I’m

Texas 56, North Texas 7

2006-09-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, this commentary is not about X's and O's, regurgitating statistics or even breaking down the last game, it's all about the experience. So what was it like at the Royal Palace when the Horns took the not-so Mean Green behind the woodshed for a thorough 56-7 whipping? Well, you know, it was hot. Hey, they don't pay me nothing for nothing. But how hot was it you ask. Well...IT

54b's 2006 Preseason Unspectacular

2006-08-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you who bleed burnt orange--and can prove it because you recently sold a bucket of your own bodily fluids so you could afford to purchase every overpriced pre-season college football preview guide you could get your hot little callused hands on--have I got just what you're NOT looking for.That's right, if really insightful quips like "Texas will defend their title if they can clone

A College Football Intervention

2006-02-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

As Valentines Day approaches, I know that many of you are probably whispering softly to yourselves, “I wish I knew how to quit you College Football.” Hey, love hurts and sometimes the emptiness we feel inside just needs to be let out. And let this bitter, shameful burden out I shall with...54B’S COMMENTARY – THE INTERVENTION EDITIONMy name is 54b and I'm a College Footballoholic.Although part of

2006 Rose Bowl - Texas 41, USC 38

2006-01-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

Even with the endless amounts of broadcast, print and internet coverage available, Longhorn fans who weren't able to see the 2006 Rose Bowl in person are still asking, "What did it feel like to actually be there on January 4, 2006 when the Texas Longhorns upset the Southern California Trojans for the National Championship?"Perhaps the reasoning behind their inquiry is simply that after 35 years

2005 Big XII Championship

2005-12-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

Texas 70, Colorado 3...um, yeah, let's talk about something else.Despite playing out of his mind for the last 13 weeks while leading Texas to their first undefeated regular season since 1983 and orchestrating the most lopsided win in Big XII Championship history, Vince Young is still being mentioned by most pundits in the media as a distant runner-up to Reggie Bush in the Heisman Trophy race. All

Texas 40, Texas A&M 29

2005-12-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Attending Texas' 40-29 close-shave win over A&M last Friday was about as much fun as going to a dry wedding reception. Most fans were just standing around waiting for the game to mercifully end and the only ones having any fun were the blissfully ignorant little kids hopped up on sugar (oh, and the guy in the corps who was shoveling horse dung on the Texas band, what's up with that?). Like most

Texas 66, Kansas 14

2005-11-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

After watching Texas quarterback Vince Young and the Texas Longhorns hang 66 points on the Kansas Jayhawks and their very vociferous and morbidly obese head coach, Mark Mangino, I felt it unnecessary to track Vince down and ask him the kinds of questions nobody cares about. Anyway, I caught up with the Heisman-caliber QB and below are some excerpts from the interview in a little piece I'm calling

Texas 62, Baylor 0

2005-11-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

As a result of all the success the Longhorns have experienced this season, Coach Brown and his staff have received a number of congratulatory letters and phone calls from well wishers. Here's an odd voicemail that arrived after Texas' 62-0 thumping of Baylor last Saturday. It's from some guy in Crawford, TX named George...HEY MACK,You're doin’ a hell of a job, Brownie. Gettin' to 9-0 is hard work

Texas 47, Oklahoma State 28

2005-11-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

Shortly after Texas' huge win over that other OSU team, my friend Clay (also a former walk-on) and I decided that this year had to be the Longhorns' year to win it all. So while waiting for our planes to board in the middle of Terminal B of the Columbus airport, we made a pact that we were going to make it to every game this year...yeah, I know, what are we, the Ya-Ya Brotherhood? But trust me,

Texas 52, Texas Tech 17

2005-10-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

While driving back to Dallas after the Longhorn's Top 10 win over Texas Tech last Saturday night, I was flipping stations and just happened to tune in 1340 KKAM - Lubbock Sports-Talk Radio for another intoxicating edition of...COACHSPEAK WITH MIKE LEACH"Shooter Johnson back wit ya, and joining me on the Texas Tech post game show is none other than Red Raider Head Coach Mike Lush.""That's Leach

Texas 42, Colorado 17

2005-10-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

There's definitely a difference between losing and getting beaten, and I think the #24th ranked Buffaloes unwittingly proved that last Saturday. On the surface, losing 42-17 to the #2 ranked Longhorns in Austin doesn't seem all that bad. However when you dig a little deeper and find out that Texas scored 28 unanswered points on four straight drives to open the game and then answered a measly

Texas 45, OU 12

2005-10-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

For those football fans out there that don't bleed burnt-orange or spend hours memorizing the words to Boomer Sooner, it's hard to understand what the big deal is about a highly ranked and fully-loaded Texas team beating the snot out of an unranked and undermanned Oklahoma squad. But what those not associated with the Red River Rivalry don't understand is that it's not about the game itself, it's

Texas 51, Mizzou 20

2005-10-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

If I'd known it was going to be Flag Day at Faurot Field last Saturday, I would have painted my face yellow and penalized myself for "intentional drowning of my liver." Instead I got frustratingly sober watching the refs penalize Texas 14 times for 135 yards during the Longhorns 51-20 trouncing of the Tigers. I've never been big on conspiracy theories and I'm not

Texas 51, Rice 10

2005-09-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

After all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the Ohio State game, watching Texas trounce Rice 51-10 was about as thrilling as finding out the allegedly voluptuous vixen you've been chatting with online all summer is none other than your 13-year old sister. And given the fact that tickets were $55 each, the feeling of frustration due to aggregate loss of time and money was probably

Texas 25, Ohio State 22

2005-09-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

Over 250,000 people were in or around Ohio Stadium last Saturday, and I'm pretty sure I bumped into every one of them. Much has been said about the way Buckeye fans treated 12,000 or so Longhorns fans that made the trip to Columbus, and though I didn't experience a lot of the strife firsthand, after smelling the dumpsters burning after the game I wouldn't doubt the stories.Personally, I've always

Texas 60, Louisiana-Lafayette 3

2005-09-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

To say that Texas' 60-3 victory over U-La-La was slightly less riveting than watching toe-cheese germinate would be a gross understatement. So rather than recap another milestone on the Longhorns' annual quest for the Sun Belt Championship, I figured I'd regale you with the...TOP 10 THINGS "SLIGHTLY MORE" EXCITING THAN WATCHING THE U-LA-LA GAME10) The starting left face painter for the Hell

54b's 2005 Preseason Unspectacular

2005-09-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it, seven straight seasons writing at least nine or ten winning commentaries, and still no championships. Sound familiar? They say winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are special, but not in the good way.So is this the year Mack Brown and the Longhorns put an end to years of frustration, quiet the critics, and finally bring the

Texas 27, Kansas 23

2004-11-13T11:38:00.000-08:00

One week after making the greatest comeback win in Texas football history, the Longhorns overcame a 10-point deficit in the last seven minutes, including a game winning touchdown with 11 ticks left, to avoid taking the most pathetic loss in Texas football history (Rice Game, circa 1994, still tops the list). Despite the Horn's heroic efforts, last Saturday's win

Texas 56, Oklahoma State 35

2004-11-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Even though I saw it with my own eyes, it's still hard to believe the Longhorns erased a four-touchdown deficit to not only beat, but totally decimate a nationally ranked Oklahoma State team last Saturday night. The last time I saw a comeback like that, George Castanza was flying to Ohio just to tell some guy that "the Jerkstore called and they're running out of you

Texas 31, Colorado 7

2004-10-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Despite showing signs of regression with a couple of first quarter slip ups only Freud could explain, Young got is Id together in time to help Ced, aka Mr. 5000, get a few extra rushing yards and a couple of TDs on the way to a 31-7 stampeding of the Buffs. Along with UT's version of Mr. Outside and Mr. Break-Inside, let's not forget about DJ and the Texas Defense, who purified the

Texas 51, Texas Tech 21

2004-10-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

After watching the Longhorns take the little Red Raiders behind the woodshed last Saturday night, don't you just know I had to turn the dial to 1340 KKAM - Lubbock SportsTalk Radio for another intoxicating edition of...COACHSPEAK WITH MIKE LEACH"Shooter Johnson back wit ya, and joining me on the Texas Tech post game show is Red Raider Head Coach Mike Lush.""That's

Texas 28, Mizzou 20

2004-10-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

If Bill Shakespeare were still alive and living in Austin last Saturday, Texas' hollow victory over Missouri might have inspired him to write another despondent soliloquy such as this...QB, or not QB: that is the question:Whether 'tis nobler in the game to sufferYoung's (side-arm) slings and floaters of outrageous misfortune,Or to take

Texas 0, OU 12

2004-10-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

For a coach making $3.5 million this year, more than anything, what did Mack Brown need most to assuage angry Texas fans and appease the unforgiving media after getting shutout on national television and beaten for a 5th straight time by arch nemesis Bob Stoops? An armed escort out of the Cotton Bowl...maybe. A new offensive coordinator...undoubtedly. A fresh pair of underwear...forget it. I'll

Texas 44, Baylor 14

2004-10-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

Fortunately for me, on the very week Texas hosted Baylor, my wife went into labor and delivered our first child at a hospital also named Baylor – thus allowing me to keep my mind on the baby and on the Bears all at the same time. Hey, I know what you're thinking, thank God we weren't playing the Aggies, or we might have given birth at a veterinary clinic. Anyway,

Texas 35, Rice 13

2004-09-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Forgive this very, very abbreviated commentary, but little 54c arrived a week early and Coach Brown is at our house right now getting an oral commitment from the little guy for 2022 recruiting class...(of course the only oral commitment 54c cares about right now involves a very sore boob and I'm not talking about Greg Davis). On to...THE RICE GAMEPretty much all you

Texas 22, Arkansas 20

2004-09-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, the Leatherberry brothers (2/3 of my legal team), fellow walk-on and road trip veteran Clay (aka Luke Sleepwalker) and me, 54b, jumped in the hoopty and went to Arkansas to watch the Horns slip by the Pigs by the hairs on Bevo's chinny-chin-chin. No doubt the game was an instant classic and one none of us will soon forget. As for Fayetteville, let's

Texas 65, North Texas 0

2004-09-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WERE TAKING NORTH TEXAS A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY...10) Chanted "Darryl, Darryl" while coach Dickey and his players went through the breakfast buffet at the team hotel.9) Offered to fluff football office cleaning lady's pillows if she would slip stolen X-Rays of Patrick Cobb's thumb under Mack's door last week.8) Called

54b's 2004 Preseason Unspectacular

2004-09-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

AUSTIN ORANGE SOXWhen did we fans go from being consumed with winning titles (and beer) to being obsessed with beating just one other team? How did our teams with so much talent and promise come up short year after year? Are we cursed because we spurned one of our most popular players ever?Given this time of year, you'd probably think I

2003 Holiday Bowl Preview

2003-12-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

Rather than waste your time complaining about the latest BCS debacle, I've decided to waste your time with a solution to this perceived problem. If it were up to me, the top two teams in the land would be determined by...THE (54b)CS FORMULAPart IPolls, which are subjective and reactionary for the most part, serve a crucial roll in the 54bcs Formula which calculates

Texas 46, Texas A&M 15

2003-11-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

From Midnight Yell Practice to the Twelfth Man to playing tonsil-hockey with your date after the football team scores, if Texas A&M is known for anything, it has to be all of those wacky traditions. Rhythmic chants and hokey rituals, which seem totally insignificant and superficial to most outsiders are the very backbone of a fanatical belief system so integral to university life that each member

Texas 43, Texas Tech 40

2003-11-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

As many of you are well aware, Texas Tech's extremely unpredictable head coach, Mike Leach, is known almost as much for going for it on 4th down as he is for his penchant for alcoholic beverages. So after watching his team fall just short of pulling off a monumental upset down in Austin last weekend, you just know I had to tune into another edition of:

Texas 55, Oklahoma State 16

2003-11-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

Roadtrip Diary5:02am - After seeing three cases of beer and a mullet wig in the backseat of Danny's SUV, I'm starting to have second thoughts about the trip we are about to embark upon. The plan is simple enough: drive to Norman for the OU/A&M game, then on to Stillwater for the Texas/OSU game and then back home on Sunday. "Ah, go on," I tell myself, "what could

Texas 31, Nebraska 7

2003-11-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

For once, this commentary is going to be critical of an offensive coordinator other than Greg Davis. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've taken my name off the petition to recall the Master and Commander of the transparent game-plan, but this week, I've got bigger "colonels" to pop. Fresh off Nebraska's worst season in over forty years, Cornhusker head coach Frank

Texas 56, Baylor 0

2003-10-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

KEEPING WARM IN WACOScrew me if I'm wrong, but Waco, Texas could be the most sexually repressedcollege town next to South Bend, Indiana. Last weekend, yours truly made the 100 mile crusade to the Valley of the Shadow of Dairy Queen to watch Bevo vs. the Baptists (don't ask me why) and suffice it to say, I was positively floored by what transpired. No, I'm not

Texas 13, OU 65 & Texas 40, Iowa State 19

2003-10-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

Midseason Crisis "Sappy Mack" (Think "The Who/Hummer-2" commercial)Sappy Mack wasn't old, but he looked half-dead,He lost again to the boys 'cross the river-redThe fans would all scream, he would start the wrong QB,So they called for his head, but got another apologyThe fans couldn't fire MackThey tried and tried and triedThey started up

Texas 13, OU 65 & Texas 40, Iowa State 19

2003-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

MIDSEASON CRISIS "Sappy Mack" (Think "The Who/Hummer-2" commercial)Sappy Mack wasn't old, but he looked half-dead,He lost again to the boys 'cross the river-redThe fans would all scream, he would start the wrong QB,So they called for his head, but got another apologyThe fans couldn't fire MackThey tried and tried and triedThey started up

Texas 24, Kansas State 20

2003-10-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

CHRIS, KIRK, LEE & 54bGameday came to Austin last Saturday and, thanks to a friend of mine who works on the Home Depot account, yours truly was given an all-access, behind the barricades pass for the taping of the show. Our group got to hang out back stage, munch on the crew's food and tour the TV truck where the director of the show works his magic. I brought a

Texas, Tulane 18

2003-09-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

When the play on the field (like it was last Saturday night) is so spectacular you have to turn to the guy next to you and ask him if he'll dump the rest of his Lemmon Chill down your pants so you can stay awake, chances are, you had time to notice a few other things around you besides the game, like those groovy orange seatbacks. If you're a season ticket holder, you've undoubtedly been

Texas 48, Rice 7

2003-09-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, the Longhorns, lead by Roy "run the table" Williams, decided not to talk to the media last week so they could concentrate on Rice (which tantamount to you and me saying "I don't want to go out drinking tonight because I'm playing golf tomorrow.") Absurd though it seemed, all the players participated in the speech embargo forcing me, 54b, to postpone my VH-1 "Behind the

Texas 28, Arkansas 38

2003-09-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD HUG A HOG:10) TX/OU Tickets - Now 35% Off!9) Grandma can get that much needed surgery now that you have no excuse not to sell your Rice tickets.8) Texas can forget about all those "silly" team goals and concentrate on the real reason for playing this season: winning Roy the Heisman.7) It's such a relief knowing

Texas 66, New Mexico State 7

2003-08-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

"i came early"by 54beatniki came early, i wore orange,was LOUD and even stayed late,heard the Horns stampede in the smoke,and thought, yeah, we're awesome, we're great.i came early, i wore orange,was LOUD and even stayed late,watched the Horns go down by seven in the first,and thought, surely, there must be some mistakei came early, i wore orange,was LOUD and even

54b's 2003 Preseason Unspectacular

2003-08-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

"Take A Chance On Mock" (Track 5 on The Best of Abba Album)Mack don't change your mind, he's the next in line The Championship's a lock Take a chance on Mock If you wanna win, let Chance know, Ced will be around If he's got no place to throw, Don't worry Coach Brown You're not alone, Roy's still here, he's not gone The Championship's a

Texas 50, A&M 20

2002-11-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

"Slocum's gone" (to the tune of "Delia's gone" by Johnny Cash)Slocum, oh, SlocumSlocum just got cannedIf they hadn't have fired poor SlocumThey couldn't have stolen big FranSlocum's gone, one last gameSlocum's goneI went down to AustinAnd watched ol' Slocum turn redFound him at the stadiumGetting taken behind the woodshedSlocum's gone,

Texas 38, Texas Tech 42

2002-11-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

LOST IN LUBBOCKSome dreams die harder than others and winning a national championship is no exception. Maybe Texas fans are just victims of media hype, unrealistic expectations or our own arrogance, but every year we truly believe the Longhorns are good enough to win college football's ultimate prize. So when we reach the point in the season when all hope to achieve

Texas 41, Baylor 0

2002-11-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

TEXAS 41, BAYLOR 0TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WEREN'T TAKING BAYLOR SERIOUSLY:10. Traded your Baylor tickets for some baseball cards, bag of marbles and a stick of gum.9. Skipped the tailgate to go do some early Christmas shopping.8. Asked your wife if there was a wedding or baby shower you could be attending instead.7. Renounced your Baptist

Texas 27, Nebraska 24

2002-11-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

JUST DRINKIN' IN LINCOLN"Lincoln, Nebraska ain't the last place on earth, but you can see it from there", or at least that's what "Mr. Helpful" behind the Hertz counter at the Kansas City airport said to us anyway. And with that and a case of Bud Light, we were off to see the home of the Cornhuskers. You can fly directly into Lincoln, but we chose to drive from KC

Texas 21, Iowa State 10

2002-10-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

IDES OF OCTOBERThe name "Seneca" harkens us back to the days of the Roman Empire when Julius Caesar set out to conquer the known world much in the same way Iowa State quarterback Seneca Wallace has set out to conquer the world of big time college football. And just as the Roman Senators conspired to overthrow the overly ambitious Caesar, the national media has put

Texas 17, Kansas State 14

2002-10-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Gameday Diary6:32am - I'm having that dream where the alarm clock is going off at the same time it's going off for real (forgot to disarm it the night before) and, in my subconscious, I was doing everything short of smashing the damn thing with a hammer to get it to turn off. So frustrating. Must be how Greg Davis feels when he's awake. Anyway, I finally wake up with the help of a knee to the

Texas 24, OU 35

2002-10-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

POST GAME PRESS CONFERENCEREPORTER: "Coach Brown, in the 3rd quarter, with such an unproductive running game, why didn't you opt to throw the ball?"BROWN: "First of all, I'd like to say to all the Longhorn fans out there that we've got a big game against Iowa State in two weeks and I'd like you all to come early, be loud and stay late

Texas 17, Oklahoma State 15

2002-10-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

17-15, are you kidding me? Someone please me tell me - can you actually look past a team when the whole week leading up to the game, everyone including the players and coaches we're saying "OU who, we're concerned with OSU!" Hell, they even printed T-Shirts about it. That game should have never even been close. Three missed field goals, one of which, the "Kick around the World" contestant could

Texas 49, Tulane 0

2002-09-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

BIG FUN ON THE 54-BAYOUThe plan had been to arrive in New Orleans on Thursday night, but since cousin Isidore decided to make an unscheduled visit, I moved our flight to Friday morning to avoid the Hurricane like every other good little weather nerd glued to his computer last week. Hey, I freely admit it, I folded under the pressure of 90 mph winds, torrential rains

Texas 41, Houston 11

2002-09-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

TOP 10 THINGS UT LIKES TO DO IN THE 3RD QUARTER RATHER THAN PLAY FOOTBALL:10) Run to the store for some peanut butter because they just can't seem to cover the spread.9) Get called for some obscure penalty just to settle a bet on what the referee hand signal looks like.8) Secretly replace the Gatorade with Foldier's Instant coffee and see if anyone notices the

Texas 52, North Carolina 21

2002-09-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

CHAPEL HILLAbout a thousand miles from Texas and just off interstate 40, in the heart of North Carolina, is the small college town of Chapel Hill. Nestled among the tall cedar trees sits the sprawling University of North Carolina campus, home of the Tarheels. Nobody really knows for sure exactly how they came up with the name Tarheels,