9.08.2005

Texas 60, Louisiana-Lafayette 3

To say that Texas' 60-3 victory over U-La-La was slightly less riveting than watching toe-cheese germinate would be a gross understatement. So rather than recap another milestone on the Longhorns' annual quest for the Sun Belt Championship, I figured I'd regale you with the...

TOP 10 THINGS "SLIGHTLY MORE" EXCITING THAN WATCHING THE U-LA-LA GAME

10) The starting left face painter for the Hell Raisers getting benched because of artistic differences.

9) The dude in the American-Airlines' "Kick-around-the-World" contest making more extra-points than Texas place kicker Richmond McGee.

8) The Texas Cowboys converting "Old Smokey" into a semi-automatic cannon.

7) The San Jacinto Street Rickshaw Drivers Union going on strike because of low pay, poor working conditions and excessive butt sweat.

6) Mack Brown apologizing to all Texas fans for allowing TCU to be the first team from Texas to beat Oklahoma in years.

5) Two guys with bottle caps on the soles of their shoes being mistaken for the Ragin' Cajun Marching Band.

4) The Longhorn Foundation's exclusive End Zone Club tent being labeled a tax shelter.

3) Watching Greg Davis struggle with the hidden ball, 3-card-Monte Jumbotron game.

2) Betting on how many points Texas would have to score for a free chalupa.

And the #1 "Slightly More" exciting thing than watching the U-La-La game...

1) Bevo's stool sample testing positive for anabolic tranquilizers, Super Colon Blow and Ill-Tempered Cow Disease.



THE NEXT GAME
Gees, ya think anybody had this game circled on their calendar? Texas vs.
Ohio State is giving Katrina coverage a run for top billing. The media hype- machine is working overtime, the tension is absolutely palpable, and Vince Young, well he's just as cool as a 6-foot cucumber and the one reason why I think the Horns actually have a chance to walk out of Columbus with a win.

Yes, both teams are talented and Texas is stocked up like a bomb shelter, but Ohio Stadium, "the Shoe" at night, in front of 105,000 drunken Buckeyes (and me) is no picnic no matter what team you play for. But Vince is the X factor. When every thing else is fails, he can make something happen on his own. Maybe 3 teams in the country have that luxury and we're one of them. As for my keys to victory and match-up recaps, I'll spare you as I'm sure the paralysis from analysis has already begun to set in. As for just who will win, you got to see the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Hey kids, gather round, it's time for this week's addition of "Do you know Ohio?" Today's question, "What the heck is a Buckeye?"

Is it:

A) A small, shiny, dark brown nut guys from Ohio put in their pockets to impress the ladies

B) The name Native Americans gave to the first white dude to make it to Ohio in 1788, who then proceeded to blow his nose and kill half their people.
(Consequently, to this day, when somebody sneezes, Ohioans say "Buckeye.")

C) A sexual position preferred by 9 out 10 OSU coeds

D) A leafy looking sticker OSU football players put on their helmets to signify how many times they've been busted for smoking dope

And the answer is, "E, All of the above." Join me next time on "Do You Know Ohio" when we ask the question, "What would Woody Hayes do?"

Texas - 28, Bucknuts 17


TAILGATE UPDATE
Though "The" Ohio State University (Suckeyes) only allocated 4,000 seats to the Texas ticket office (1-800-GOT-BEVO), I'm guessing that nearly twice that number (double the trouble) of Longhorn fans will descend upon Columbus (in the Nina, the Pinta, and the Winnebago) this weekend and don't you know I'll be there (Cuz that's how I roll) to slap high-fives with every one of them (oh man it's "that guy"). According to my sources (check the bibliography), Buckeye fans are just as rabid (have couch, will burn) as we are when it comes to pre-game festivities (The Fete Offensive) and have even been known to drink (rehab is for quitters) a few adult beverages before kick-off ("Bash Before the Clash").

So if you happen to find yourself in the greater Ohio area (BCS voting swing state) this weekend and would like to hang with 54b and the gang (Steers with Beers) before the game, you will most likely find us at one of two places (I'll take door #3): at The Varsity Club ("well Ahoy Paloy"), which is a bar like Scholtz' Beer Garden (bring your ho), or at "Hineygate" (spanks for coming), which is a huge tailgate party (Boozapalooza) in the parking lot next to the Holiday Inn (woo-hoo, Kids Drink Free). Both are located on Lane Avenue (changing lanes, not recommended) not far from Ohio Stadium (behind The Woody Shed). Hope to see you there (and not in jail).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Who ever wants to beat Ohio State, meet me outside." - Vince Young

Hook'em,
54b

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